don’t blame him. Adrenaline is still flowing and it can sometimes confuse the logical part of the mind as the system is in a fight or flee mode.
“But they had to open them to get inside in the first place,” Robert says. “They wouldn’t be alive if they couldn’t have gotten out. And they wouldn’t be in there if they got out and couldn’t open the doors to get back in.”
Denton now joins the others with wider eyes. The ramifications are large and it was one of the things I worried about. At least we know now. But the ramifications could be even further reaching. Could they operate doors if they had turning handles? And if that’s the case, can they get inside the aircraft or any other place? They hadn’t in the nights we’ve been out on the ramp but we can’t put it past them to be able to, I think.
“One thing for sure is that we won’t be able to positively tell if night runners are inside a structure by broken doors or glass anymore,” I say bending to pick up the chute again.
We’ll have to tie the crew door shut and chain the rear ramp closed from here on out if we have to stay in an aircraft overnight. I make a mental note to include that in the briefing this afternoon. I want to plan the infil with Greg first. Then we’ll cover the drop itself and the plan for the next day with the others. The adrenaline is beginning to fade leaving me feeling like a limp noodle. It’s a long day of planning ahead followed by a long night. We drag our equipment back to the aircraft. Robert walks alongside carrying the helmets while I hump the rig.
“Thanks for letting me go in,” Robert says.
“What? Oh, uh, don’t thank me for something like that,” I say. “We go into a building with night runners and you thank me for not only letting you go in but for me taking you in. Somewhere down the line I’ve gone drastically awry with your upbringing. You should be kicking me in the ass for dragging your butt in there.”
He smiles knowing I’m not serious. Well, not terribly serious. That was close though. Of course, anytime a night runner issues one of those shrieks, it’s too close. What kind of a dad am I that his son thanks him for taking him into such a place. I shake my head thinking over the times we’ve shared. Perhaps I shouldn’t have done half of the things with him that I have. Maybe that one time he collided with the corner of the door frame hard enough to imbed a paint chip in his forehead did something to him after all. I of course had nothing to do with said collision. Nope, not one little bit.
“Are you really going to jump tonight?” He asks eyeing the chute hanging on my shoulder by one strap.
“Yeah, I’m guessing so. Not really sure why at this particular moment in time as we walk across this fucking hot ramp but I guess I will,” I answer.
“Aren’t you worried about it? I mean seeing it’s been a while,” he continues asking.
“Let’s see. Out of date packing on the chute, at night over unfamiliar terrain hoping to not jump into a nest of night runners in the midst of a feeding frenzy, and if we do hit our mark, then again it’s into an unknown and a potential group of bad guys. That’s also assuming we hit our altitude right and I don’t bounce a mile back up. What’s to worry about?” I reply.
“I’m just kidding,” I say seeing a stricken look cross his features. Sometimes my humor misses its mark widely. “I’m a little worried but not more so than any other time. If I wasn’t a little worried, then I’d be worried. Hey, if the spirits were going to take me, they’d have done so already. It’s not like I try to get them to open the door but I’ve also given them their chance a hundred times over. I’ll be fine.”
“If you fear death and think about it all of the time trying to avoid it, it will come seeking you. It’s like playing sports or when we’d be off gallivanting in the hills, if you think about getting hurt and ease up trying not to get hurt, that’s when you do. It’s not that you can go seeking it either. If you keep your awareness about you and steer clear of stupidity, things work out. The hard part is determining between whether something is a valid risk or just stupidity,” I say continuing.
“For some reason I know that, that you’ll be okay I mean, but that doesn’t alleviate the worry on my end. I just hope I do it right,” he says.
“You’ll do just fine, Robert. I have all the confidence in the world in you,” I reply patting his shoulder to which he smiles.
“And look, with regards to having you join me, the scales on the experience versus wanting to keep you safe swing each day. But I’m not going to be around forever. Yeah, I know, hard to believe huh?” I say with a smile. “So you have to learn how to lead and make the right decisions. Only experience can give you that. That and a good head on your shoulders but you already have that.”
“But there are plenty of people to lead. Lynn, Drescoll, Gonzalez, Greg, lots of others,” Robert says as we draw near the open 130 ramp. We drop our gear but both know the conversation isn’t over for either of us. The teams walk wearily by up the ramp and into the aircraft. Robert and I sit in the shade with the massive tail looming above us. Bri walks up and sits with us listening.
“True and they’re damn good at it too. Better than me if truth be told but here’s the thing and it may only be true for me. And this is only between you and me. I think the only reason I’m still around is because I’ve been allowed to lead in times past. I think if I’d had to follow all of the time, I wouldn’t have made if this far. Don’t ask me why because I don’t really know that one myself. I just know it,” I say. “There are times when I know when I have to do something alone because I don’t want the distraction of worrying about others; because I know the skills I have will be enough to see the task done. But there are also times when I know I need others and I want them and their individual skills and gifts. Each and every one has their own special gift which can save your life without you even knowing it. A team blends and becomes a single entity made up of all of those skills. That’s what a leader does and is, a person that is a catalyst that allows those skills to blend into one and the one others look for to make a decision. It sometimes doesn’t matter what the decision is as long as it appears it is the right one and makes sense; as long as a decision is made,” I say feeling winded but trying to impart what little wisdom I might possess. I might also just be adding a lot of hot air to an already warm day. Maybe I was the one who single-handedly brought on global warming just by talking. It’s possible.
“It doesn’t matter what the decision is, just make one. Talk about it or think about it later, right?” He says with a smile. The smile is because that’s something I used to say to him a lot when he was younger and couldn’t make a decision. It’s good to know that some of what I’ve said in the past has been heard.
“Exactly,” I reply.
“Remember when I would stand in the candy bar aisle forever and couldn’t decide which one to get. You’d say, ‘Just pick one. If you get home and feel you wanted the other, well, then you’ll know next time right’,” he says.
“Yeah, maybe I was a little hard on you sometimes. I just didn’t want to stand in that candy bar aisle forever and we would have. And you, young lass,” I say looking at Bri, “we did spend days with you trying to decide.” Bri smiles thinking back to those days.
“I just don’t know how to become a leader like the others,” Robert says.
“First of all, you already have. Or at least started,” I say. “You both have.”
“How so?” Robert asked puzzled. Bri tilts her head to the side puzzled as well.
“Well, who flew us here making decisions and delegating tasks? Who made the hard decisions on a pretty significant weather divert?” I ask rhetorically.
“But that’s different,” Robert says.
“My turn. How so?” I ask.
“Because I knew how to fly it and get us here,” he answers.
“Bingo. You knew how to do something and how to use the skills of others to get to a certain place,” I say. “It’s no different than leading in other circumstances. If you know something with some degree of intimacy, you can lead in it. That’s why I give you both the additional training, so you can learn how to do something. You need to think along those lines when we’re training, that you’re learning something that you can lead others in. And you Bri, you know the systems and are teaching others and leading them. It’s all the same thing.”
“But there are others who know how to do things and can’t lead. And some who the others don’t want to follow,” Bri says.
“That’s very true. You have to have a degree of understanding others and what they’re going through. Every person is different.
They have different experiences and ways of dealing with shit, and you have to find out how they respond effectively. You have to show that you have a measure of compassion without it interfering with your task. Sometimes you have to tell people to just suck it up. You’re their leader, not their best friend. The bottom line, however, is if people believe you will get them through a situation, they’ll follow you through it. Show you care
