isn't it? Shit!'
'No-'
'You were getting off screwing the school troublemaker, running with the bad crowd, pretending to be one of us and all the while you were top of the class.'
'I wasn't 'top of the class.' '
'Damn near.' He shook his head in disgust. 'Oh, the media had a field day with you. Daughter of an underpaid cop, with a stay-at-home mother and four siblings, has little chance of paying for college until lo and behold, she wins a full scholarship from the Lone Star Arts League, has her work displayed in the capitol, gets her picture taken with the flippin' governor. And if all that isn't enough, gee whiz, folks, she's not just pretty and talented, she's running neck and neck on her GPA with the saluta-fucking-torian!'
Maddy cringed, seeing in retrospect the shock he must have felt at Airhead Maddy making good grades.
'You never even told me you'd entered that competition.'
'Because… what if I hadn't won?'
'Do you think I would have cared?' Hurt replaced the anger in his eyes. 'I was in love with you. We were practically engaged. Don't you think I had a right to know you were working your ass off, trying to make something of your life? Don't you think I would have been proud of you? Do you know how insulting it was that you didn't share your dreams with me?'
'You're right.' Guilt swamped her. 'I should have told you. I was just… I was afraid.'
'Afraid of what?'
'That you'd make fun of me.' Tears prickled her eyes. 'That you'd think I was putting on airs. Shooting too high. Too full, of myself.'
' 'Putting on airs'?' He frowned at her. 'Jesus, that sounds like something your father would say.'
'It is what he said. My whole life, every time I did something good; he… insulted me.' She bit her lip as the memories swelled into her throat. 'Do you know what he said when he found out I'd won a scholarship? I promise you it wasn't 'congratulations' or 'I'm proud' or even 'nice work.' He said, 'Well, la-di-da, look who thinks she's something special.'' The tears tumbled down her cheeks. She swiped at them angrily, hating that her father could still make her cry. 'I wanted out of that house, and out of that crummy neighborhood so bad, I could feel it in my bones. And I was going to do it, no matter what it cost or what it took.'
'Marrying me would have gotten you out of there pretty damn fast.'
'That's not a good reason to make a lifetime commitment.'
'You're right.' He sighed. 'You know, Maddy, a part of me understands. Your father was an insecure asshole who only felt good about himself when he was cutting other people down.'
'He's still that way.'
'But I'm not him,' Joe said quietly. 'How could you think I'd be anything but proud of what you were doing?'
'But that's just it. At the time, to my ears, you were starting to sound exactly like him.'
'How?' He looked taken aback.
'Being all gung ho military.' She held up her hand when he started to interrupt. 'Until I grew up and got out on my own, I honestly thought most cops, and therefore most men in uniform, were like my father. I've since learned that's not true. A good many of them are like the Colonel. They have conviction, integrity, and most of all, compassion. I should have seen that then. You weren't turning into my dad. You were turning into yours. And I can't think of a better man to emulate.'
She took a step toward him, aching for him to understand. 'Unfortunately, I didn't see that. I was too young. Joe, I was seventeen when you asked me to marry you.'
'I know.' Embarrassment flickered in his eyes before he looked away. 'I actually didn't mean to ask you for at least another year. But then you told me you were going to UT and the thought of you running around campus with all those college boys…'
'Made you panic.'
'If you call going out and buying the biggest engagement ring I could afford panicking, then yeah, I guess I did.' His mouth tightened. 'I knew we couldn't marry right away, but I wanted to be sure every guy who saw you saw that rock on your finger and knew you were taken.'
She actually smiled a bit at that. It was so like Joe to stake out his territory. As a foster child, he'd learned to travel light, but what was his, he held on to with both hands, and he would battle any kid who touched it. The word 'mine' was used sparingly, but when he said it he meant it.
He heaved a sigh. 'I admit, I didn't like the idea of you going to UT, but I wasn't trying to hold you back. I was afraid of losing you to some frat boy.
But'-his gaze bored into her-'I never would have stood in the way of your dreams, if you'd only shared them with me.'
'The problem is… I wouldn't have believed you. I wouldn't have been able to. Not with you standing there wearing a uniform, with your hair buzzed short, spouting macho military jargon.' She took another step, laid her hand on the canoe that stood between them. 'When you proposed, my whole life flashed before my eyes. Only it wasn't my life. It was my mother's. I didn't want to wind up like her, bowing to a man's wishes, cooking, cleaning, raising kids with little or no help, while all my dreams were trampled over. I didn't know marriage could be a partnership, not a life sentence where the woman's identity is ripped away the first day.'
'Fire-breathing Maddy trampled over?' He shook his head. 'I can't imagine you ever winding up like that.'
'Looking back, I can't either. In fact, the opposite would have happened, and that wouldn't have been fair to you. Back then, I was
'The last eight years?' Confusion creased his brow.
She hesitated, not sure how he'd react to this topic. 'My husband died of cancer after a long illness.'
'I'm sorry.' The honest sorrow in his eyes added weight to the words.
'I am too.' Sympathy always brought the grief welling back to the surface. This time when the tears came, she let them. 'I loved him very much, and I miss him every day.'
'Oh God, Maddy-' He looked ready to step around the canoe and come to her.
'I'm fine. Really.' She raised a hand, knowing she would lose all composure if he touched her now. 'It's been hard, but it's time for me to get on with my life, get back to the dreams I set aside. Which is why I came here.'
His frown deepened. 'To work at a summer camp?'
'No, to Santa Fe. For my artwork.' She smiled sadly. 'You know what the big irony of my life is? I married a man who was the polar opposite of my father. Intelligent, successful, self-assured, and one of the kindest, sweetest men I have ever met.'
'He sounds like a geek.'
'He was!' She laughed. 'The poor guy actually wore pocket protectors when we first started dating. He was also color blind and had no taste in art, which is how we met. His office manager kept badgering him to decorate. So Nigel-'
'Nigel?' Joe's brows shot up. 'You married a man named Nigel?'
'I did.' She felt her smile spread across her whole face. 'He was a tall, lanky stereotype of an accountant, and the day he walked into the gallery where I worked, desperate for art and hilariously clueless, I took one look at him and thought 'Oh, honey, you so need me. For a lot more than picking out your art.''
Sadness and envy filled Joe's eyes. 'You must have made his life.'
'I-' His words touched her so deep she didn't know what to say. 'Thank you. I like to think I did. We were very happy together. The irony, though, is I married him thinking here was a man who will never ask me to ignore my needs to take care of him. And then he got cancer and that's exactly what I had to do.'
'You're saying you stopped painting?'
'I didn't have the energy or the heart to paint. Not often, anyway.'
'You must have resented him for that.'
'Not at all. No.'
'No?' he demanded. 'What do you mean, no?'
