She tightened her hold on his hand and waited, knowing how much he hated to talk about his child-hood. There was so much he'd never shared. So much she'd only been able to guess.
'She was pretty wasted that day,' he finally said. 'So much so that she could barely form a sentence, but I can still hear her wailing about how much she loved me and how she wouldn't let them keep me. Through the whole scene, I remember being terrified, not just for me, but for her. Because who would take care of her if I wasn't there? She promised to get me back. But… she never even tried.'
'Oh, Joe, I'm so sorry-'
He moved his head, shaking off her words. She fell silent, aching for him but knowing that sometimes sympathy made the pain worse.
'I went from one foster home to another after that. Some of the foster parents weren't too bad. Other couples were only in it for the monthly check. A few, though… a few tried to care, which hurt even more. They'd say they loved me and they were going to take good care of me. But eventually even they'd get tired of me causing trouble, so I'd get carted somewhere else and it would.start all over.
'By the time I was twelve and landed with the Frasers, you might say I was a little jaded.'
'With good reason.'
'The last couple who'd had me were pretty vocal about how much trouble I was, going so far as to say I was little more than a wild animal. I overheard the caseworker jokingly say, 'What are you suggesting we do, put him down?' '
'That's awful!' she gasped.
'In their defense, I was pretty bad-and pretty sick of people pretending to give a rat's ass about me when they didn't. By that point, CPS was run-ning out of options on places to put me. So they begged the Frasers to take me on.'
He finally looked at her. 'The deal with Mama and the Colonel was that once you were in their house, you stayed until you were adopted by another couple, put back with your birth family, or old enough to be on your own. That was their commitment. No matter how much trouble you caused. They never sent one of their boys away.'
'They're an incredible couple.'
'Yeah.' He looked away. 'Unfortunately, when CPS asked them to take me, the Colonel was four years away from retirement and wanted to move home to Texas. I was only twelve. Now, I might have been a troublemaker, but I could do the math. I'd be sixteen when they wanted to move across state lines, if I lasted with them that long. Besides, I overheard enough of the conversation to know they were down to only two boys and both of them were about to head off for college, which meant that for the first time in years, the Frasers were going to have their house all to themselves.'
'But they agreed.'
'Yeah.' His short laugh held amazement. 'All the way over there I was thinking 'sure they're gonna keep me.' Then we got to their house and the caseworker introduced me to the Colonel right in the front yard. Lord, he was a big man, with that hard, craggy face and that way of putting privates in their place with just a look.'
'I know exactly the look you're talking about.' She nodded. 'He scared the tar out of me the first time I met him.'
'Try being twelve and knowing what I did about the foster care system. I assure you, child abuse is not unheard of. He looked down at me and said in that deep voice, 'Here's how it works, son. You will follow the rules of this house. Or you will suffer the consequences.' I gulped so hard I nearly swallowed my tongue.'
'I don't blame you.'
'At that point, I decided maybe the caseworker hadn't been joking after all. They really were going to have me put down like a wild animal. Then Mama came out of the house, put her hands on my shoulders, looked me straight in the eyes and said, 'You're ours now, and we love you already because you're ours. And nothing you can do will ever change that. Ever.' '
An ache of tears filled her throat as she pictured the scene.
Joe toyed with her hand, looking at it rather than her. 'Of course I didn't believe her. In fact, it made me mad that she would even say it. Mad enough that I continued to act up even though I feared the wrath of the Colonel.'
'What would he do when you got in trouble?' Concern welled inside her.
Joe's smile flashed in the darkness. 'He'd give me one of his looks and say, 'We're disappointed in your behavior.' And that would be it. At first I'd just snort in contempt and think 'Big deal. He's disappointed. Whoa, I'm scared.' But then I noticed that Shawn and Mark had a lot more privileges than I did and the Colonel was always smiling at them and going on and on about how proud he was of both of them. Now that pissed me off. Couple of goody-two-shoes wimps.'
'I thought you liked Shawn and Mark.'
'I do now. That first year, though, I hated their guts.' He looked at her. 'Do you know that they and most of the others still keep in touch with Mama?'
'That doesn't surprise me.'
'Me either.' He went back to toying with her hand. 'Anyway, what all of this is leading up to is… when I was fourteen, I got caught stealing beer from a convenience store. Fortunately the store manager called the Colonel, not the cops. Actually'-he scowled-'the cops probably would have been easier. I got the usual 'We're disappointed in your behavior' speech, only… somewhere along the way it had become a big deal. I felt like shit. Like I was never going to get my life right, and it was just a matter of time before the Frasers sent me packing right when I'd started to believe that maybe I could have stayed this time if I hadn't screwed up.'
His hand tightened about hers. 'The thought upset me so much that I actually started crying like a stupid baby. Mama heard me and came in my room. She didn't say anything at first, just sat on the bed beside me and put her arms around me. Man… I broke down completely, which just added a big dose of embarrassment to everything.
'When I finally got it together enough to talk, I asked her why they didn't just go ahead and send me away and get it over with. And she told me they would never get rid of me, they loved me, and they would always love me, no matter what. When I pointed out that I hadn't done anything to earn it, she said, 'You don't have to earn love. It either is or it isn't. All you have to earn is our respect.' '
Maddy squeezed his hand, struggling against tears.
'It took a long time for that to sink in. I guess I'm a slow learner. Even after they adopted me, which I firmly believe-which I
'So… when you told me…' His voice grew rough, and he wouldn't look at her. 'When you said that you loved me… I believed you. I thought you meant it the way they meant it.'
'Oh God, Joe. I-' Her throat closed. 'I did love you. I think I might-'
'No. Don't.' He pulled his hand free to place his fingers against her lips. When his eyes lifted, light gleamed off unshed tears. 'I can accept that you believed it at the time. You're right. You were young, and you didn't know the difference between saying it and meaning it. But… I knew. I think that's why it hit me so hard when you dumped me. It was the last thing in the world I expected, and it… God, Maddy, you blindsided me.'
'I'm sorry.' Tears welled up hot and fast, filling her eyes. She dropped her forehead against his chest as a sob shook her shoulders. 'I'm so sorry.'
'I know.' He wrapped his arms fiercely about her and held her tightly while she cried. The irony struck her that he was the one comforting her, when she was the one who'd caused the pain. 'You would never intentionally hurt anyone. I know that. So, I'm asking that this time we don't say anything we don't mean, okay?'
'Okay.'
Chapter 13
