Other Worlds Than These

there appears to be no end in sight to this war. Support our troops!

== 7. ==

Dear Annabehl:

Maybe I’m old-fashioned, but your advice to L.P. from Chicago struck me as amazingly insensitive. He had just lost his son to a brain tumor and his wife used their Snatcher to abduct a variant from a nearby dimension. Of course he felt numb! He never had a chance to grieve. Worse, what about the parents of the variant they kidnapped? They must be devastated by his disappearance. This whole world is turning to [crap]! What were you thinking, Annabehl?

An Old-Timer/Topeka, KS

Dear Old-Timer:

I stand by my advice, gramps. There was simply no need for L.P. to grieve when a replacement was so easily accessible. Grieving is dead! Death is dead! I did recommend psiprobing, however, so he could learn to accept his new son, who is an innocent in all this, after all. As for the transdimensional parents who lost their child, you seem to forget that they too can use their Snatcher to find themselves a replacement. So search for that antique bong in the back of your dusty closet, old man, and inhale deeply. Get with the times.

== 8. ==

Dear Readers:

I am pleased that we are once again able to bring you my Dear Annabehl column after our long absence. It’s been a difficult six months. Today’s column is dedicated to all the courageous soldiers and their replacements who gave their lives at the Breach. I understand that there’s still a great deal of confusion, some pessimists might even call it chaos, with the Ardiente administration taking over. Although the Ardiente underlords do have a pseudo- demonic appearance, don’t let their horns and red tails throw you. As they’ve pointed out, they’re “broadminded traditionalists,” a God-fearing salt-of-the-earth-type of people. Most importantly, they have promised to rule benignly and to deregulate Snatchers, to allow Total Access into and out of our reality to people everywhere. Freedom is precious, after all.

There will be a period of adjustment before things get back to normal, but trust me, readers, they will. Keep working hard and have faith. There is a reason for everything. You’ll see. This will all turn out for the best.

== 9. ==

Dear Annabehl:

With the new Government taking over and Total Access now fully in effect, I’ve decided that it’s time for me and my family to take our leave from this reality. My wife is reluctant to leave her friends behind, but I keep telling her that we can relocate just a few frequencies away where she can have the same friends, more or less. Meanwhile, other me’s are flooding in at an unprecedented rate: me’s with blue skin; me’s with mammary glands; me’s with really bad haircuts; and me’s indistinguishable from me in every objectively discernable way (except every now and then one of me will smile in a dark, sly way that gives me chills). There isn’t room in my house for all of me’s. And there’s only one job for one of me. They won’t tell me, but I think they’re all running from something, something truly terrible in their own realities. Whatever it is, I’m afraid that it may be coming. How can I convince my wife to leave? I think it’s time for everyone to escape across the transborder. I know a lot of people who have made the same decision. Maybe I’ll find another world, one where Snatchers were never invented. But how can I skip through unless it has a Snatcher portal entrance? Do you have any advice on whether we should leave?

Packed But Not-Quite-Ready To Go/Biloxi, Mississippi

Dear Packed:

This is Annabehl filling in for Annabehl. Annabehl (persona prime) has moved on to a higher plane and left this column in my lucky hands. I consider it an honor to be stepping into her shoes (figuratively and literally). Forgive me if it takes a bit of time to get up to speed. In my reality, I stripped for a living and doled out advice at the bar during breaks, so this is quite a step up for me.

Freedom is a precious, wonderful gift. Go wherever you think you’ll be happy. By all means, cross the transborder! Take an acid trip! Do whatever! We’re free!

== 10. ==

Dear Annabehls:

While at work last week I dialed into my bank and discovered that all of my accounts had been emptied. By the time I got home, all of my clothes and other personal belongings were also gone. It’s apparent that one of my variants has gone too far this time, Annabehl.

I’ve decided to commence legal action against my self and have retained an attorney who’s agreed to take the case on a contingency basis. My friends insist that litigation against one’s self is just a waste of time and money. I disagree. Part of the reason why the world economy is on the verge of collapse is because of the actions of a few variants like this one. What do you think? Should I fight for my rights? Or should I do as my friends suggest and just let this go?

Esteban/Bronx, New York

Dear Esteban:

Have you ever heard of a little item called a Snatcher? Step through it and retrieve your items upfrequency, for goodness sake! Then snort a little elcitron and relax.

—Annabehl

Dear Esteban:

Annabehl is off-base on this one. Two wrongs don’t make a right. Pursue your remedies the way all patriots do: through litigation. Then snort a little elcitron and relax.

—Annabehl

Dear Esteban:

I’ve consulted a legal expert who points out that service of process can be tricky in transdimensional litigation. Also, the law is still unclear on whether our courts even have jurisdiction over our variants. No, I have to agree with Annabehl and disagree with Annabehl on this one. Take a short trip upfrequency and exercise a little self-help. Then snort a little elcitron and relax.

—Annabehl

== 11. ==

Dear Annabehls:

Congrats on the great job you’re doing in place of Annabehl, who was miles better than Annabehl, who was leagues better than Annabehl, who was almost as good, I’d say, as Annabehl. Here’s my dilemma. I’ve asked my cousin JoJo (persona prime) and three of her variants to serve in my bridal party as maids of honor. It turns out that JoJo, one of JoJo’s variants, is feuding with her mother, my Aunt Josie. Since that JoJo isn’t from this reality, Aunt Josie isn’t her real mother, mind you, but JoJo can’t seem to get this through her thick skull. She refuses to attend unless I replace Aunt Josie with a variant—even though Aunt Josie really is, in effect, a variant, at least in relation to the complaining JoJo. Aunt Josie refuses to attend if her selves are invited. (My aunt and my mom are old-fashioned and insist on being the only versions of themselves at the wedding.) Two of the other JoJos insist, however, that I invite their actual mothers from their respective realities—and refuse to participate in the bridal party unless I do so. Meanwhile, Sean, my fiance, has demanded multiple me’s be present on my wedding night! I guess I’m my mother’s daughter because I have no desire to share the stage with anyone on my wedding night—even me! I want my wedding night to be a special, one-on-one experience between me (me prime, that is) and Sean (Sean prime, that is). What should I do about JoJo, JoJo, JoJo, JoJo, Aunt Josie and Sean? I’m too busy and stressed to deal with all of this. I have wedding plans to make!

Desperate Dixie/San Diego, CA

Dear Dixie:

We Annabehls are unanimous on this one: schedule a session at the Snatcher ASAP! Replace the