carriage ways and the E-type revelled in the type of cross-continent driving it had been designed for. I had a longer sleep, curled up in the back, near Lyons, and made it to the Paris peripherique in time for the rush hour. Afternoon tea on the hovercraft goes down well when your tongue has a relationship with your mouth like a sweep's brush has with a chimney.
You think you're there when you roll off the ferry, but it's not true.
The longest mile might be the last mile home, but the other two hundred and eighty were just as gruesome. It was another six hours before I slammed the car door under my own neighbours' window, and gratefully crashed out in my familiar bed. I'd been away just under nine days.
In the morning I looked at my mail. There were several never-to-be-repeated opportunities for me to win a total of three and a half million quid, and a note from Gilbert Wood. I sealed all the pre-paid envelopes in the junk mail and put them on one side for posting. The post office needs the revenue. Then I opened Gilbert's note. It read:
Charlie,
You've done the right thing being off. Hilditch has gone off his rocker. He sent ACC Partridge round with orders to suspend you for harassing Cakebread. Partridge was very embarrassed about it. Suggest you don't come back until after your holiday. Things may have cooled down by then.
Gilbert PS Sorry about the piles. Have you tried Germaloids?
I swapped the cars round and went to the supermarket to restock the freezer. Officially I still had a couple of days' leave left, but I knew I'd be as restless as a foreskin in a synagogue if I didn't get back to work straight away. I wrote full accounts of my trip and ran off three copies. Then I rang Gilbert.
'Hello, Charlie,' he said. 'How're the haemorrhoids?' Funny how people always say 'haemorrhoids', but write 'piles'.
'I haven't got frigging haemorroids,' I told him. 'I just said the first thing I thought of. Sorry I had to tell you a fib. Do I still have a job or am I suspended?'
'God knows, it's a bloody shambles. Hilditch wants you sacked, but he's way out of order. Partridge is his own man, though, and would have done the right thing. He's got the measure of Hilditch, I reckon, but I didn't want to tell him what it's all about. As far as I'm concerned you're still with us. Where've you been?'
'Spain.'
'Christ, I knew it. Find anything?'
'Yep. Are you in tonight?'
'Sure. What time are you coming round?'
'Try this,' said Gilbert. 'Discovered it when I was up there at Easter. It's regarded by some as the finest single malt ever distilled.'
We were sitting in his little study, surrounded by his books and his small but growing collection of whiskies. He wasn't a great imbiber, but he enjoyed the good things in life, and considered the elixir of the glens to be one of the best.
'Make it a very small one; it's wasted on me,' I admitted.
'I'd no intention of making it a big one,' Gilbert countered.
I took a sip, and let it wash around under my tongue and down my throat. 'Mmm, quite pleasant,' I said, 'for whisky. What is it?'
'Linkwood,' he replied, with hushed reverence.
'Linkwood? Never heard of it. Japanese?'
'God, Priest, you're a peasant. Sit there while I fetch you a can of lager. What's that you've brought to show me?'
I passed him the sheaf of reports. 'Read those, Gilbert, while I savour the Linkwood. Then I'll answer questions.'
It took him nearly half an hour to get through them. Periodically he glanced up at me, then, towards the end, he said 'Jesus Christ' under his breath. Finally he lowered the sheets and sat looking at me for a couple of minutes. I gazed into my glass.
He said: 'You're lucky to be alive, Charlie.'
'Yeah. And George Palfreeman's unlucky to be dead.' I swirled the dregs of the straw-coloured liquid around the heavy tumbler. I didn't dare lift my head to look at him. 'Between those two statements and the Linkwood, we've got the makings of a nice philosophical evening.'
He went to ask Molly, his wife, to make some tea. I was grateful for the interlude.
Gilbert came back and sat down. We waited in silence until Molly brought the tea and left us. Then he said: 'First thing in the morning I'll call in the Serious Fraud Office. It's spread too far and wide for us to handle. Sorry, Chas, but you're off it from now on. It's a pity I didn't give you a bit more support earlier; we should have bowled Hilditch a googly set him up, somehow.'
'Never mind. It was one of his predecessors who said hindsight was an exact science.'
'Doesn't make me feel any better. Are you coming in tomorrow?'
Tomorrow was Friday, the last day of my holiday. 'Yes, I'd like to.'
'Good. You'd better hang around the office no doubt they'll want a word with you. Let Willis see the week out as acting inspector.'
'That's fine by me. What else has been happening?'
'I was just coming to it,' he said. 'We brought in young Rose and Makinson. They've come up with some good information. We're hitting four addresses early Monday morning, just when they're at their best.
Only two of them's in Heckley, though. The city boys are looking after the others. Will you want to take over?'
I thought about it. 'No, if Tony's done all the planning, let him handle it. I wouldn't mind going in, though, if that's all right. A bit of aggression might do me good.'
'All right by me. I'll let Willis fill you in tomorrow.'
I went home and asked the word processor to run off copies of all the reports, for the Serious Fraud boys. According to the Data Protection Act I shouldn't store information like that on my computer, so I closed the curtains while I did it.
The first four people I met next morning asked me how my haemorrhoids were and suggested a variety of treatments. Then word must have passed round that it was a touchy subject, and concern began to diminish. I buried myself in the small hill of paperwork that Tony had decided I ought to know about, and fielded enquiries about my holiday. The first worthwhile phone call I received was from Diaz.
'Good morning, Charlie, or may I call you Inspector Priest?
I thought you would be back at work today. How was the drive?'
'Hello, Rafael, it's good to hear from you. The drive was hard work, not to be recommended. Any developments?'
'Yes. One of my men was in a bar and he saw a youth wearing a leather jacket which had some interesting marks on the back. He brought him in. The stuff we took from under your fingernails was a perfect match.
We now have the accomplice and the scooter, too.'
'Well done. No gun?'
'Unfortunately, no, but they are known to be associates of gangsters.
Rest assured, they are the ones.'
'Good, thanks for telling me, Rafael. I've put copies of all the relevant reports in the post for you. They should keep you entertained for a day or two.'
He went on to tell me when the funeral was arranged for, and offered to send flowers on my behalf. After a shaky start, I decided that I had a lot of time for Capitano Diaz.
In the afternoon we had a briefing on Monday's raids. It was hard, but I had to drag myself down out of the clouds and start being a cop at Heckley again. There might be links stretching from our ram-raiders to Cakebread and Puerto Banus, but so far that was for the birds. Gilbert did the introductions and handed over to me. I split the troops into two teams and explained that Mr. Wood was in overall command and Acting Inspector Willis was running the show in the street. I'd be going in with the marines. We then split up to study our separate targets. That's when I discovered the identity of the occupier of the house I'd volunteered to enter. He was called Willy O'Hagan. I'd never heard of him, but his record said he had one conviction for armed robbery.
