There was no escape; she was drawn into conversation. She knew Aunt Vespasia had done it intentionally, and she did not want to let her down by being defeatist. Aunt Vespasia would never have given up and gone away into a corner to cry.
“Certainly,” she said with artificial eagerness. And she plunged into a story, largely invented as she went along. She was still involved in its ramifications when the gentlemen rejoined them rather earlier than usual.
All evening she managed to keep up the charade, and when it was finally time to retire she had the small victory of having lived up to the task she had set herself. She saw the flash of approval in Aunt Vespasia’s silver- gray eyes, and something in Tassie’s face that could have been admiration. But only once had George looked at her, and his smile was so artificial it hurt more than a scowl, because it was as if he did not see her at all.
The sense of closeness had come from a direction she had learned to expect, but when she thought about it, not really to welcome. It was Jack Radley who joined her laughter, whose quick humor followed hers, and who at the end of the evening walked up the broad stairs with his hand at her elbow.
She stopped on the landing, almost oblivious of him, waiting for George’s step but hearing instead the rustle of silk against the bannisters below her. She knew it would be Sybilla, and yet compulsion, a thread of hope, kept her looking till they came into sight, just in case it was not. George was smiling. The gas bracket on the wall shone on his dark hair and the white skin of Sybilla’s shoulders.
George moved away from her as he saw Emily, the spontaneity dying out of his face and faint embarrassment taking its place. He looked back at Sybilla.
“Good night, and thank you for a most delightful evening,” he said awkwardly, caught between the ease of intimacy the moment before and the faintly ridiculous formality he now finished with.
Sybilla’s face was glowing; she was completely enclosed within whatever they had been saying-or doing. For her Emily did not exist, and Jack Radley was merely a shadow, part of the decor of the weekend. Words were superfluous; her smile said everything.
Emily felt sick. All her efforts had been so much waste of time. She had been an actress in an empty theater, performing only for herself-as far as George was concerned she had not been there at all. Her behavior was immaterial to him.
“Good night, Mr. Radley.” She stumbled over the words, and reaching out for the handle of her bedroom door, she opened it, went in, and closed it firmly behind her. At least she could shut them out until tomorrow. She could have nine hours of solitude. If she wanted to weep no one else would know, and when she had let go of some of the confusion and pain bursting inside her, there was the refuge of sleep before the necessity of decision.
The maid knocked.
Emily sniffed hard and swallowed. “I don’t need you, Millicent.” Her voice was strained. “You may go to bed.”
There was a moment’s hesitation; then, “Very well, m’lady. Good night.”
“Good night.” She undressed slowly, leaving her gown over the back of the chair, then took the pins out of her hair. It was a relief not to feel the weight of it on her head.
It was a futile exercise, and in the end she crept into bed and decided to be angry instead. It was better than weeping. Angry people fight, and sometimes fighters win!
She woke with a headache and a rush of the memory of failure. All the energy drained out of her, and she stared up at the sunlight on the plaster ceiling, finding it colorless and hard. If only it were still night and she could have more time alone. The thought of going down into the breakfast room to face all those bright smiles-the curious, the confident, the pitying-and having to pretend there was nothing wrong … What everyone else could see of George and Sybilla was of no importance; she knew something the others did not, something that explained it all.
She curled up smaller, hunching her knees, and hid her head under the sheet a few moments more. But the longer she stayed, the more thoughts crowded her head. Imagination raced away, giving reality to every threat, every possible misery, till she was drowned with wretchedness. Her head throbbed, her eyes stung, and it was past time she got up. Millicent had already knocked at the door twice; morning tea would be cold. The third time she had to let her in.
Emily took extra trouble with her appearance, the less she cared the more it mattered. She hated color out of a pot, but it was better than no color at all.
She was not the last down. Sybilla was absent, and Mrs. March had elected to have breakfast in bed, as had Great-aunt Vespasia.
“You look well, my dear Emily,” Eustace said briskly. Of course, he was perfectly aware of the situation between George and Sybilla, but deplore it as she must, a well-bred woman bore such things discreetly and affected not to have noticed. He did not approve of Emily, but he would give her the benefit of the doubt unless she made such a charitable view impossible.
“I am, thank you.” Emily forced herself to be bright, and her irritation made it easier. “I hope you slept well too?”
“Excellently.” Eustace helped himself with a lavish hand from several of the chafing dishes on the massive carved oak sideboard, set his dish in his place, then went over and threw open the windows, letting in a blast of chill morning air. He breathed in deeply, and then out again. “Excellent,” he said, disregarding everyone else’s shivering as he took his seat at the table. “I always think good health is so important in a woman, don’t you?”
Emily could think of no reason why it should be particularly, but it seemed to be largely a rhetorical question, and Eustace answered himself. “No man, especially of a good family, wants a sickly wife.”
“The poor want it even less,” Tassie said bluntly. “It costs a lot to be ill.”
But Eustace’s pontification was not to be interrupted by something so irrelevant as the poor. He waved his hand gently. “Of course it does, my dear, but then if the poor don’t have children it hardly matters, does it? It is not as if it were a case of succession to a title, of the line, so to speak. Ordinary people don’t need sons in the same way.” He shot a sour look at William. “And preferably more than one-if you wish to see the name continue.”
George cleared his throat and raised his brows, and his eyes flickered first to Sybilla, then William, and lowered to his plate again. William’s face tightened sharply.
“Being sickly doesn’t stop them having children,” Tassie argued, spots of color in her cheeks. “I don’t think health is a virtue. It is a good fortune, frequently found among those who are better off.”
Eustace took a deep breath and let it out, in a noisy expression of impatience. “My dear, you are far too young to know what you are talking about. It is a subject you cannot possibly understand, nor should you. It is indelicate for a girl in your situation, or indeed any well-bred woman. Your mother would never have dreamed of it. But I’m sure Mr. Radley understands.” He smiled across at Jack and received a stare of total incomprehension.
Tassie bent her head a little lower over her toast and preserves. The pinkness deepened in her face, a reflection of a mixture of frustration at being patronized and embarrassment because her father’s reference to her was obviously infinitely more indelicate than anything she had meant.
But Eustace was relentless; he pursued the subject obliquely throughout breakfast. To food and health were added delicacy of upbringing, discretion, obedience, an even temper, and the appropriate skills in conversation and household management. The only attribute not touched upon was wealth, and that of course would have been vulgar. And it was a matter of some sensitivity to him; his mother was of a fine family who had squandered its means, obliging her either to reduce her style of life or marry into a family which had made its fortunes in the Industrial Revolution in the mines and mills of the North. The “Trade.” She had chosen the latter, with some distaste. The former was unthinkable.
He nodded his head in satisfaction as he spoke. “When I think of my own happiness with my beloved wife, may heaven rest her, I realize how much all these things contributed to it. Such a wonderful woman! I treasure her memory-you have no notion. It was the saddest day of my life when she departed this vale of tears for a better place.”
Emily glanced across at William, whose head was bent to hide his face, and accidentally caught Jack Radley’s
