Matt’s gone back to chopping wood. He insisted Jon work with him.
Mom and I cleaned the house. Charlie dropped by to invite us over for Sunday prayers and dinner.
“How’s Julie doing?” Mom asked.
“She’s a little better,” Charlie said. “The cough medicine seems to have helped. Hal’s convinced Alex to stay until Tuesday. Let’s hope the weather’s better this week.”
“I think I’ll see how she’s doing,” I said. “Mom, is there anything I can bring?”
“I don’t think so,” Mom said. “I gave them the last of our cough medicine.”
“Well, I’ll check and see, anyway,” I said. I didn’t even sound convincing to myself.
When I got there, Lisa was playing with Gabriel. Of course once he saw me, he began crying.
“He’s allergic to me,” I said, and Lisa laughed.
“He’s ready for his nap,” she said. “Julie’s resting now. Alex is in the parlor, though, if you want to see him.”
“I guess so,” I said, and walked through the house as casually as I could. All I wanted to do was fling myself into his arms. Alex must have felt the same way because he gestured for me to be quiet. We slipped out the front door and ran far from the house.
“This is wrong,” he said as we embraced. “We have to stop.”
“Stopping is wrong,” I said, kissing him to prove my point.
He pulled away. “Miranda, listen to me,” he said. “We can’t do this. I’m leaving in two days. I’ll never see you again. You have to believe that.”
It’s funny. That’s all I’ve heard for weeks now, how Alex and Julie will be leaving. Maybe because they talk and talk and talk about it but never actually go, I’ve stopped believing it.
“What if Julie isn’t ready?” I asked. “What if she’s still sick next week?”
“She can’t be,” Alex said. “I have to get her to the sisters while I can. She has to be with people who’ll protect her.”
“You’ll protect her,” I said. “We’ll protect her. And don’t use Carlos as an excuse anymore. He’s thousands of miles away. You’re here. I’m here. Explain why getting Julie to the convent is more important than you and me. Because I try to understand, Alex. I hear the words, but I don’t get the meaning.”
Alex kissed me, and when he held on to me, I felt how reluctant he was to open up, how scared.
“It’s all right,” I said. “Just tell me.”
He looked straight at me, and once again I could see all the suffering in his eyes. “New York was very bad,” he said. “Every day you’d think, Well this is as bad as it can get, and then it got worse. I saw things, I did things, things I never want you to know.”
“You could tell me anything,” I said, but he interrupted me.
“I love you for thinking that, but you’re wrong,” he said. “You can’t imagine what things were like. Carlos couldn’t understand. He got to Texas in the very beginning, and the Marines have fed him, sheltered him, protected him.”
“Has Julie seen those things?” I asked.
He nodded.
“She survived,” I said. “I could, too. Alex, don’t feel like you have to protect me. That’s not what I want.”
“I can’t protect you,” he said. “I can’t protect anyone. I can’t even do what Carlos tells me and get Julie to the convent. The rain stops me. You stop me.”
I kissed him, hoping the gift of my love could ease his pain. But he broke away.
“I won’t let Julie suffer,” he said. “I tried to tell Carlos but I couldn’t. There is too much past history between us.”
“Julie doesn’t have to suffer,” I said. “Not if she stays with us.”
He shook his head. “You have no control,” he said. “None of us do. Not over what might happen. I have only one way left to protect Julie. Everything else I’ve tried has failed.”
“What?” I asked, figuring he’d say faith or prayers or the church.
Alex took a deep breath. “Pills,” he said. “Sleeping pills. Six of them. I got them in New York. I keep them for her.”
“So she can sleep?” I asked.
“So she won’t ever wake up,” Alex said.
“Six pills wouldn’t be enough,” I said, like if I told him that, he would laugh at how silly he was, and nothing would matter except us.
“Two would be enough,” he said instead. “Enough to make sure she’d sleep through what I’d do.”
“But why?” I asked. “Why would you do something like that?”
“There could come a time when life is worse than death for Julie,” Alex said. “I’ll know it when it does. I pray I’ll know it.”
“But killing’s a crime,” I said.
“Nothing’s a crime anymore,” he said. “There are no cops, no jails. It’s a sin, and I’ll be damned for it. But I’ll deserve damnation. I deserve it now.”
“You don’t,” I said. “You love Julie. You love me. How can you be damned for loving?”
“Love isn’t enough,” he said.
“It has to be,” I said, holding his shaking body in my arms. “Love’s what I believe in, Alex. Love is what protects us.”
Last night I had a dream that the doorbell rang, and when I opened it, there was Alex. It was summer, and he was holding a bouquet of daisies.
“Julie’s a nun,” he said. “So’s Carlos. Marry me, Miranda.”
I’m not going to write what happened next in my dream, in case anyone ever sees this. Let’s just say it was the best dream I ever had.
When I woke up, I thought maybe things could happen that way. Not with Julie and Carlos becoming nuns. But maybe if Alex was sure Julie was safe, he’d come back to me. I know he loves me. That has to count for something.
Alex has convinced me it’s better for Julie to be at the convent. I hate the thought of his having her life in his hands. Not that he’d ever do anything to Julie. But he shouldn’t have to worry about it. He’s taken care of Julie for over a year now. He’d take care of her forever, except Carlos told him not to.
Maybe it’s wrong of me to dream that Alex and I can stay together if Julie’s at the convent. Maybe it’s wrong of me to want that when I know Julie doesn’t want to go.
But Carlos is the one who made the decision, and Carlos is right that Julie should be someplace safe, where he and Alex will always be able to find her. And Julie can take care of herself. She’ll stay at the convent for as long as she has to, and then she’ll do what she wants. Assuming she can. Assuming any of us can.
If he doesn’t have to worry about Julie, I know Alex will stay with me. We can’t be together as long as Julie is here. But when she’s at the convent, Alex will be free to stay with me forever.
I want Alex. I want love. I know that’s what Alex wants also.
Jon and Syl went over to Dad’s this morning. Mom told Jon if it was all right with Alex, he and Julie could make the food run.
I feel strange around Syl since my fight with Matt. I don’t think he told her what I said but I can’t be sure. I was glad when she decided to visit Lisa for Bible study.
I planned on going over to see Alex one last time, but before I could figure out an excuse, Dad, Alex, and Matt showed up. Matt had been chopping wood, so I knew this was important.
For a moment I thought Dad would tell us he’d forbidden Alex to leave, and Alex would come to his senses and agree.
“I wanted to talk with you,” Dad said, meaning Mom and Matt, I guess, but he didn’t tell me to leave, so I didn’t. “Without anyone else around.”
“We’re leaving tomorrow,” Alex said. “Julie’s cough is gone. Thank you for the cough medicine, Mrs. Evans. It made a big difference.”
