service. I declined just as politely. Mom and I stood at the door and watched as Syl and Matt and Jon walked over to Dad’s. I was alone now with Mom. I had no choice.
“There’s something I have to tell you,” I said.
I could see Mom calculate how bad it was going to be. But she didn’t say anything, just gestured for me to sit by her side.
“Alex has some papers,” I said. “Three passes into a safe town.”
“What’s a safe town?” Mom asked.
“They’re towns that still work,” I said. “The government set them up. They have electricity, I guess. Hospitals, schools. They’re for important people to live in. People with connections.”
“How did Alex get the passes?” she asked. “Does his family have connections?”
“What difference does it make?” I said. “He has them.”
“It makes a lot of difference,” Mom said. “Because the next thing you’re going to tell me is you’re going off with him and Julie and the three of you will be fine and happy and I shouldn’t worry because you’ll be in a safe town, whatever that is. But if Alex stole the passes or worse, then I want to know.”
“I don’t know how he got them,” I said. “But I know Alex. He would never have stolen them.”
“All right,” Mom said. “Somehow these passes fell into his lap. It’s a miracle. Why hasn’t he taken Julie there already? What was all the business about the convent if there’s this lovely safe town waiting for them?”
“He didn’t know where one was,” I said. “They keep them hidden. I found out for him.”
“And how did you find out?” Mom asked.
“That doesn’t matter,” I said. “I found out. I told him. He and Julie and I will be leaving day after tomorrow. We’re going to spend the rest of our lives together. Mom, he’s giving up everything for me.”
“You’re the one who’s giving everything up,” Mom said. “You’re giving up your home, your family.”
“No,” I said. “That’s what you don’t understand, Mom. Alex is giving two of the passes to Lisa, for her and Gabriel. He’ll let Julie live with them, and he and Dad and I will live together nearby. That’s what he’s giving up, Mom. Those passes are worth a lot. Alex could trade them for whatever he wants. But what he wants is me.”
“And where is this paradise on Earth?” Mom asked. “Where you’ll live just outside someplace with hospitals and schools.”
“Tennessee,” I said. “Sexton University, in McKinley, Tennessee. Alex says we’re sure to get work there. You can’t stop me, Mom, any more than you could stop Matt from falling in love. I’m going. I’ll be with Dad. I’ll be all right.”
“You’re not doing this to be with your father,” Mom said. “At least be honest about that.”
“I’m more honest than you ever were,” I said. “When you kept me from going with Dad last summer.”
“I had to make that decision for you,” Mom said. “You weren’t old enough to decide for yourself.”
“I’m old enough now,” I said. “And I’ve decided.”
“Does your father know?” Mom asked.
“Alex is telling him today,” I said.
“Well, he’ll be happy,” Mom said. “A safe place for Lisa and the baby. Will Charlie go with you?”
“I don’t know,” I said. “I hope so.”
“I hope so, too,” Mom said. “Because you’re going to need all the help you can get, Miranda, when this blows up. You think you’re grown up but you’re not. You have no idea what love is. What you feel for Alex, it’s pity and desire, not love. Not the kind of love two people build a life on.”
“Maybe that’s what love is now,” I said. “Pity. Desire. Maybe I’m one of the lucky ones because I still have feelings. I don’t know. I just know I can’t bear the thought of losing Alex. This is my chance, maybe my only chance, to love somebody. I can’t worry about what we’ll build a life on. We have today. If we’re lucky, we’ll have tomorrow.”
“What if you don’t stay in Tennessee?” Mom asked. “How will I know where you are?”
“We’ll let Alex’s brother know,” I said. “Carlos Morales. He’s in the Marines, stationed in Texas. Alex can give you all his information.”
“There’s nothing I can say to change your mind?” she asked. “You have no doubts?”
I had a thousand doubts, a million doubts. “I love Alex,” I said. “He loves me. I’m going with him.”
“But not until Tuesday,” Mom said. “If you do change your mind, it will be all right. Alex will understand and so will your father. Promise me you’ll think about it between now and then. I love you, Miranda, and I want what’s best for you. Think about what you’ll be giving up if you go. Think about it hard.”
“I have thought about it,” I said. “And I promise you I’ll think about it more. But, Mom, I’m going. I know what I’ll be giving up if I go. But I also know what I’ll be giving up if I stay.”
Mom took my hand. “This wasn’t how things were supposed to be,” she said. “You should be in high school, your future ahead of you. Not this.”
“It wasn’t supposed to be this way for Alex, either,” I said. “Or Matt. Or Jon. You have to fight for happiness, Mom. Maybe it didn’t used to be that way, but it is now. I’m not going to settle for sadness. That’s not what you want for me, not really.”
“I want to protect you,” Mom said. “I want to know you’re safe, that you’ll be all right.”
“Just love me,” I said. “Love me and let me go.”
Chapter 17
I thought I knew what fear was. I thought, For the past year I’ve lived every day afraid; I must understand fear.
I understood nothing.
Last night was horrible. Matt yelled at me, told me that Alex wasn’t good enough for me, that I was disloyal and stupid. Then he and Syl got into a screaming match in their room, so loud we could all hear it downstairs.
Jon didn’t yell, at least not at me. He and Mom had a huge fight. He wanted to go with us and Mom wouldn’t let him. It was so bad she sent me over to Dad’s to bring him back to tell Jon he’d be better off staying home.
Even Charlie got in the act. He came over to talk things out with me.
“I’m glad you’re going with us,” he said. “It makes Hal so happy, and Hal’s the best friend I’ve ever had. But don’t count too much on Alex. He’s a great boy, Miranda, a wonderful boy, but that’s what he is, a boy. A boy who’s been given so much responsibility, he thinks he must be a man.”
That was last night. And awful as it was, I’d give up everything to go back to it.
Matt and Dad went out this morning to chop wood and spend their last day together. Syl hid in her room; Jon, in his. Mom and I cleaned downstairs, carefully staying in different rooms as we dusted and scrubbed.
Alex and Julie came over around ten. “Julie would like to make the food run with Jon,” Alex said. “Is that all right with you, Mrs. Evans?”
Mom nodded. She went to the staircase and hollered to Jon to come down. He did, each step taking longer than the step before.
“Julie wants to go to town with you,” Mom said. “For the food run. All right?”
Jon shrugged.
Julie took that for a yes. “Let’s go,” she said. Jon followed as she left the house.
“I’d like to go out with Miranda if you don’t mind, Mrs. Evans,” Alex said. “I’d like to look for bikes or maybe even a car.”
“It looks like it might rain,” Mom said.
“She’ll be fine,” Alex said. “I’ll look out for her.”
“I’ll get my jacket,” I said. I ran to the closet and got it, giving Mom a peck on the cheek when I returned. “Mom, don’t worry. I won’t melt.”
“All right,” Mom said. “I won’t worry.”
When we got outside, I realized I wouldn’t need my jacket. It was very muggy and close to 70 degrees. There was the smell of thunderstorms in the air. I hoped tomorrow would be better. It would be easier for Mom if I didn’t leave under stormy skies.
