Fade to Blonde

go at once, and I slowly drew it down to the foot of the bed. I propped myself on one elbow and just looked. There wasn’t an inch of her that was unfamiliar now. In one way I felt as if we’d been lying around naked all our lives, but in another way I felt I’d just stolen my first peek at her through some bathroom window, as if I was some lucky dirty lad alone in an alley. She lay there gazing at the ceiling, arms at her sides.

“You could say something nice,” she said bleakly. “You could tell me I’m beautiful.”

“You look ridiculous,” I said. “You look like two balloons on a string.”

“Thank you. I know. And you,” she went on savagely, “look awful. You did look stupid with my gun. You looked like some big horrible stupid hairy animal. And so pleased with yourself. You don’t look a bit like a bear. Bears look nice.”

“Nice? We had some bears where I’m from. Browns and a few grizzlies. They say people are the only animals that kill for fun. It’s not true. A grizzly will do it just to pass the time.”

“I know about bears but they still look nice. They have little eyes, and they always look like they’re looking around, trying to figure things out.”

“Well, that’s me in a nutshell. How did we got onto bears?”

“I don’t know. It was something I thought of.”

We lay there a while in silence. Her breasts and thighs were beginning to goose-pimple, but she didn’t try to pull up the blanket. There was a hard flat spot in the center of her chest, and I touched it with a forefinger, then traced my finger down her narrow belly. I picked up one of her legs by the calf, gave it a little shake, let it drop. Her legs didn’t touch except at the knee, the way some skinny women’s don’t, but also, her shoulders were wide enough that her arms didn’t touch her sides. There was a clean pale hollow under her arm, and I stroked it with my thumb. She wasn’t ticklish. Her muscles were long, flat, and delicate, and braided together like the muscles in a doe’s flank. Most pretty women look better with their clothes on, but you had to see all of that goofy body for it to make sense.

“Yes you’re beautiful,” I said, defeated. “Of course you’re beautiful. Why the hell do beautiful women need to keep hearing it?”

She snickered.

“Why do de dames need to hear it?” she growled. “Why do dey put chrome on de gun?”

“You like ‘em big and dumb, like me and Shade?”

“I don’t like ’em any way at all,” she said seriously. “When we get the money and I can feel safe again, I’m going to get out of here and go someplace no one’s ever heard of me, and get a nice house, with everything nice, and live like a lady. And never have anyone bothering me again.”

“What money was that?”

She rolled up on one elbow, and now we were face to face. “We’re going to kill him,” she said. “We’re going to kill him and take his money. It’s the only way. He’s not going to stop otherwise. He’s not ever going to stop. Ray, the smut’s old stuff. Halliday’s been selling drugs for almost a year. He’s been selling cocaine, and you can’t imagine the money. Ray, sometimes there’s half a million dollars in his safe. We’ll split it sixty-forty. That’s two hundred grand for you.”

“Where do you get sixty-forty?”

“It’s my idea and my information. You’re just along for the strong-arm work.”

“I’d be taking all the risk for my forty. Someone catches me in the house, you never heard of me.”

“I’ll be there with you,” she said. “You think I’m going to tell you how to do it and where the money is, and when, and then have you do the job alone and take off? We’ll be there together. You’ll make him open the safe. He can’t bear pain. We split the money right there. We leave by separate doors and never see each other again.”

“I don’t mind the money a bit, but it’s fifty-fifty. And let’s think whether we can’t get it without killing. I told you, murder’s not easy. There might be a way that makes a little less mess.”

“All right, fifty-fifty, but there’s no other way. You have to kill him. You have to. What’s the matter, haven’t you ever killed anyone?”

“I try not to make a habit of it.”

“You’ve got to do it. It’s the only way. It’s the only way he’ll ever leave me alone. You don’t know what it’s like, when anyone can get at you and do anything. No, that’s stupid, of course you do, of course you know. But you’re tough, and you can take it, and you know how to do things. I don’t know how to do anything. I can’t even swim that well anymore. If it wasn’t for how I look, I’d make people sick. I make them sick now, but they still have to have me. But when my looks are gone no one will even talk to me. I’m twenty-eight, Ray. They’re already half- gone. I was beautiful in high school, I had some meat on my bones. But now I’m just two balloons on a string, and in ten years I’ll be two empty balloons on a string, and I have to have money then, I have to have a little money and a place, where people can’t get at me, and I can live. I won’t ever be married, Ray, you know why. And he’s taken so much from me. And now he wants to take my face. I can’t be someone no one can stand to look at, and maybe blind, sitting in a room where they bring me a tray and set it down without looking at me. Ray, I need that money. I need him dead. You’ve got to do it.”

“No,” I said. “I don’t.”

She was silent. Then she leaned forward and rested her face against my chest. “Nothing,” she mumbled, her mouth half-mashed against me, “nothing I ever do turns out any good.”

I kissed her hair and let my mouth rest there. We lay that way a moment, resting.

“Will you at least think about it?” she said.

“Yes.”

“Think about it seriously?”

“What do you think I’ve been doing? Yes.”

She lifted her head. “Well. That’s an honest answer. You’ll think about it. And we’ll talk about it later. And you’ll make him leave me alone, and get me his money, one way or the other?”

“Yes.”

“And we’ll split it fifty-fifty. And we’ll do it soon, whatever we do. And from now until then, you can have me any time it doesn’t interfere, all day if you want, and do whatever you like to me.”

“Nice of you.”

“No, it’s not nice. It’s intelligent. I don’t want you wandering off again. What, you’re not falling in love with me, are you?”

“Probably. You planning to lose much sleep over it?”

She lay back against the pillow and sighed as if she’d just had a big meal. “You’re not in love with me. You’re not that dumb. You still think I’m beautiful? For now?”

“Yes.”

“Not ridiculous?”

“Both.”

“You can call me ridiculous. You can call me anything. Come on,” she said. “It’s too early to get up yet.” I pulled the blanket up over her, but she kicked it away. “C’mon,” she said. She rolled over on her belly and worked her bony behind up in the air, and waggled it at me like a cop showing a dark gold badge.

I slapped her rump lightly and said, “Put it away. I’m done with it.”

She wriggled onto her back again. She smiled and had herself a good stretch. “Mmn. C’mon, slugger. Maybe you can find something I won’t do.”

“What fun would that be?”

“The fun,” she said with slitted eyes, “would be in making me do it anyhow.” She lifted one leg straight up in the air and pointed her toes at the ceiling, then brought her foot slowly around and patted my cheek with it. “When we met,” she murmured, “you were going to kick me in the face.” She gave my chin a little shove with her toes.

“We hadn’t been properly introduced,” I said.

“In the face,” she said, and slapped my cheek lightly with her foot. She gave me a little jab with her toes. “You were gonna kick me in the face. In the face,” she said, jabbing my ribs with the other foot.

“Hey,” I said, and “Ow,” but she kept jabbing and slapping with her feet, leaning back on both elbows now