The Light Fantastic

‘I think perhaps you have needed one, you just haven’t used one,’ said Trymon, his voice resonant with reasonableness.

Wert hesitated. ‘Well, all right,’ he said sullenly, looking around the table for support, ‘but what’s this here where it says—’ he peered closely at the writing. ‘—'Successor to Greyhald Spold”. It’s going to be old Rhunlet Vard, isn’t it? He’s been waiting for years.’

‘Yes, but is he sound?’ said Trymon.

‘What?’

‘I’m sure we all realise the importance of proper leadership,’ said Trymon. ‘Now, Vard is—well, worthy, of course, in his way, but—’

‘It’s not our business,’ said one of the other wizards.

‘No, but it could be,’ said Trymon.

There was silence.

‘Interfere with the affairs of another order?’ said Wert.

‘Of course not,’ said Trymon. ‘I merely suggest that we could offer… advice. But let us discuss this later…’

The wizards had never heard of the words ‘power base’, otherwise Trymon would never have been able to get away with all this. But the plain fact was that helping others to achieve power, even to strengthen your own hand, was quite alien to them. As far as they were concerned, every wizard stood alone. Never mind about hostile paranormal entities, an ambitious wizard had quite enough to do fighting his enemies in his own Order.

‘I think we should now consider the matter of Rincewind,’ said Trymon.

‘And the star,’ said Wert. ‘People are noticing, you know.’

‘Yes, they say we should be doing something,’ said Lumuel Panter, of the Order of Midnight. ‘What, I should like to know?’

‘Oh, that’s easy,’ said Wert. ‘They say we should read the Octavo. That’s what they always say. Crops bad? Read the Octavo. Cows ill? Read the Octavo. The Spells will make everything all right.’

‘There could be something in that,’ said Trymon. ‘My, er, late predecessor made quite a study of the Octavo.’

‘We all have,’ said Panter, sharply, ‘but what’s the use? The Eight Spells have to work together. Oh, I agree, if all else fails maybe we should risk it, but the Eight have to be said together or not at all—and one of them is inside this Rincewind’s head.’

‘And we cannot find him,’ said Trymon. ‘That is the case, isn’t it? I’m sure we’ve all tried, privately.’

The wizards looked at one another, embarrassed. Eventually Wert said. ‘Yes. All right. Cards on the table. I can’t seem to locate him.’

‘I’ve tried scrying,’ said another. ‘Nothing.’

‘I’ve sent familiars,’ said a third. The others sat up. If confessing failure was the order of the day, then they were damn well going to make it clear that they had failed heroically.

‘Is that all? I’ve sent demons.’

‘I’ve looked into the Mirror of Oversight.’

‘Last night I sought him out in the Runes of M’haw.’

‘I’d like to make it clear that I tried both the Runes and the Mirror and the entrails of a manicreach.’

‘I’ve spoken to the beasts of the field and the birds of the Air.’

‘Any good?’

‘Nah.’

‘Well, I’ve questioned the very bones of the country, yea, and the deep stones and the mountains thereof.’

There was a sudden chilly silence. Everyone looked at the wizard who had spoken. It was Ganmack Treehallet, of the Venerable Seers, who shifted uneasily in his seat.

‘Yes, with bells on, I expect,’ said someone.

‘I never said they answered, did I?’

Trymon looked along the table.

‘I’ve sent someone to find him,’ he said.

Wert snorted. ‘That didn’t work out so well the last two times, did it?’

‘That was because we relied on magic, but it is obvious that Rincewind is somehow hidden from magic. But he can’t hide his footprints.’

‘You’ve set a tracker?’

‘In a manner of speaking.’

‘A hero?’ Wert managed to pack a lot of meaning into the one word. In such a tone of voice, in another universe, would a Southerner say ‘damnyankee’.

The wizards looked at Trymon, open-mouthed.

‘Yes,’ he said calmly.

‘On whose authority?’ demanded Wert. Trymon turned his grey eyes on him.

‘Mine. I needed no other.’

‘It’s—it’s highly irregular! Since when have wizards needed to hire heroes to do their work for them?’

‘Ever since wizards found their magic wouldn’t work,’ said Trymon.

‘A temporary setback, nothing more.’

Trymon shrugged. ‘Maybe,’ he said, ‘but we haven’t the time to find out. Prove me wrong. Find Rincewind by scrying or talking to birds. But as for me, I know I’m meant to be wise. And wise men do what the times demand.’

It is a well-known fact that warriors and wizards do not get along, because one side considers the other side to be a collection of bloodthirsty idiots who can’t walk and think at the same time, while the other side is naturally suspicious of a body of men who mumble a lot and wear long dresses. Oh, say the wizards, if we’re going to be like that, then, what about all those studded collars and oiled muscles down at the Young Men’s Pagan Association?^{23} To which the heroes reply, that’s a pretty good allegation coming from a bunch of wimpsoes who won’t go near a woman on account, can you believe it, of their mystical power being sort of drained out. Right, say the wizards, that just about does it, you and your leather posing pouches. Oh yeah, say the heroes, why don’t you…

And so on. This sort of thing has been going on for centuries, and caused a number of major battles which have left large tracts of land uninhabitable because of magical harmonics.

In fact, the hero even at this moment galloping towards the Vortex Plains didn’t get involved in this kind of argument, because they didn’t take it seriously mainly because this particular hero was a heroine. A redheaded one.

Now, there is a tendency at a point like this to look over one’s shoulder at the cover artist and start going on at length about leather, thighboots and naked blades.

Words like ‘full’, ‘round’ and even ‘pert’ creep into the narrative, until the writer has to go and have a cold shower and a lie down.

Which is all rather silly, because any woman setting out to make a living by the sword isn’t about to go around looking like something off the cover of the more advanced kind of lingerie catalogue for the specialised buyer.

Oh well, all right. The point that must be made is that although Herrena the Henna-Haired Harridan would look quite stunning after a good bath, a heavy-duty manicure, and the pick of the leather racks in Woo Hun Ling’s Oriental Exotica and Martial Aids on Heroes Street, she was currently quite sensibly dressed in light chain mail, soft boots, and a short sword.

All right, maybe the boots were leather. But not black.

Riding with her were a number of swarthy men that will certainly be killed before too long anyway, so a description is probably not essential. There was absolutely nothing pert about any of them.

Look, they can wear leather if you like.

Herrena wasn’t too happy about them, but they were all that was available for hire in Morpork. Many of the citizens were moving out and heading for the hills, out of fear of the new star.