The Fifth Elephant

attention outside the embassy.

'What're they doing here?' he said.

'Guarding,' said Inigo.

'Guarding who from what?'

'Just generally guarding, mmph. I suppose it's thought that guards give such a finished look to an important building.'

'What was that you said about credentials?'

'They're just formal letters from Lord Vetinari, confirming your appointment. Mmph, mmm... the lore is a little complex, but at the moment the order of precedence is the future Low King, the Lady Margolotta and the Baron von Uberwald. Each, of course, will pretend that you are not calling on the other two. It's called the arrangement. It's an awkward system but it keeps the peace.'

'If I understood your briefing,' said Vimes, still watching the guards, 'in the days of imperial Uberwald the whole bloody show was run by the werewolves and the vampires and everyone else was lunch.'

'Somewhat simplistic but broadly true, mhm,' said Inigo, brushing some dust off Vimes's shoulder.

'And then it all broke up and the dwarfs became powerful because there's dwarfs from one end of Uberwald to the other and they all keep in touch...'

'Their system certainly survives political upheaval, yes.'

'And then... what was it? A diet of beetles?'

'The Diet of Bugs, mmm. 'Diet' being an Uberwaldean word for 'meeting', and Bugs being an important town further upriver, famous for its pastries made from flax. Everyone came to an... arrangement. No one would wage war on any of the others, and everyone could live in peace. No garlic to be grown, no silver to be mined. And the werewolves and vampires promised that those things wouldn't be needed. Mmm, mmm.'

'Seems a bit trusting,' said Vimes.

'It appears to have worked, mhm.'

'What did the humans think about it all?'

'Well, humans have always been a bit of background noise in the history of Uberwald, your grace.'

'It must be a bit dull for the undead, though.'

'Oh, the bright ones know the old days can't come back.'

'Ah, well, that's always the trick, isn't it? Finding the bright ones?' Vimes put on his helmet. 'And what're the dwarfs like?'

'The future Low King is considered pretty clever, your grace. Mhm.'

'How does he stand on Ankh-Morpork?'

'He can take Ankh-Morpork or leave it alone, your grace. On balance, I believe he doesn't much like us.'

'I thought it was Albrecht who didn't like us?'

'No, your grace. Albrecht is the one who would be happy to see Ankh-Morpork burned to the ground. Rhys merely wishes we didn't exist.'

'I thought he was one of the good guys!'

'Your Grace, I did hear you express some negative sentiments about Ankh-Morpork on the way here, mhm, mhm.'

'Yes, but I live there! I'm allowed to! That's patriotic!'

'Across the whole of the world, your grace, there inexplicably appear to be definitions of, mmph, mmhm, 'good guy' which do not automatically mean 'likes Ankh-Morpork'. You will find out, I daresay. The other two are a lot easier to deal with. It may have been the Lady Margolotta who tried the little trick with the guards last night. She was the one who got me to bring you back, anyway. She has invited you for drinks.'

'Oh.'

'She's a vampire, mmm, mmm.'

'What?'

Inigo sighed. 'Your grace, I thought you understood. Vampires are simply part of Uberwald. This is where they belong. I'm afraid this is something you will have to come to terms with. I understand that now they... obtain blood by arrangement. Some people are... impressed by a title, your grace.'

'Good grief.'

'Quite so. In any case, you will be safe. Remember your diplomatic immunity, mmm, mhm.'

'I didn't quite see that working in the Wilinus Pass the other day.'

'Oh, they were common bandits.'

'Really? Has your man Sleeps turned up? Haven't you taken this to the Watch here?'

'There's no Watch here, as you understand the term. You saw them. They're... gate guards, enforcers for the city rulers, mhm, mmm, not officers of the law. But enquiries are being made.'

'Does Sybil come with me for this bit?' said Vimes, and thought: we were guards like that, not so long ago...

'It is usually done by the new ambassador and his guards.'

'Well, Detritus is staying here to keep an eye on her, all right? She said this morning she really thinks this place would be better for some decent carpet, and there's no stopping her when she's in a tape-measure mood. I'll take Cheery and one of the lads from outside, for the look of the thing. I assume you're coming?'

'I won't be required, sir. Mmm. The new coachman knows the way. Morporkian is the diplomatic language, after all, and... I shall be making enquiries.'

'Delicate ones?'

'Indeed, your grace.'

'If he's been killed won't that be an act of war?'

'Yes and no, your grace.'

'What? Sleeps was— is our man!'

Inigo looked awkward. 'It would depend on... exactly where he was and what he was doing...'

Vimes gave him a blank look, and then the penny dropped and operated his brain. 'Spying?'

'Acquiring information. Everyone does it, mmm, mhm.'

'Yes, but if you find a diplomat going too far you just send him home with a sharp note, don't you?'

'Around the Circle Sea, your grace, that is the case. Here they may have a different approach.'

'Something rather sharper than a note?'

'Exactly. Mmm.'

One of the guards was Captain Tantony. There was some minor difficulty, but the argument that, since he was guarding Vimes, he might as well be where Vimes was, eventually carried some weight. Tantony had the look of an agonizingly logical man.

He kept giving Vimes curious looks as the coach rattled out of the town. Beside him sat Cheery with her legs dangling. Vimes noticed, although it was not the kind of thing he generally made a habit of noticing, that the shape of her breastplate had been subtly altered, probably by the same armourer that Angua went to, to indicate that the chest underneath it was not quite the same shape of chest that you got under the armour of, say, Corporal Nobbs, although of course probably no one had a chest the same shape as that of Corporal Nobbs.

She was wearing her high-heeled iron boots, too.

'Look, you don't have to come,' he said out loud.

'Yes, I do.'

'I mean I could go and get Detritus instead. Although I suppose there'd be even more upshot if I took a troll into a dwarf mine. I mean, rather than a... a...'

'Girl,' said Cheery helpfully.

'Er, yes.' Vimes felt the coach slow to a halt, even though they hadn't left the town yet, and he looked out.

In front of them, across a small square, was a fort of sorts, but with much larger gates than you'd expect for its size. As Vimes stared at them they were swung open from within.

Inside was a slope. All the fort consisted of were four walls around a large, sloping tunnel.

'The dwarfs live underneath the town?' he said, as the light from outside was gradually replaced by the infrequent glow of torches. But they clearly showed the coach was rattling past a long,