The Fifth Elephant

kindly of people.

She looked at the pictures again, in the silence of the house. Then she blew her nose loudly and went off to do the packing and other sensible things.

Corporal Cheery Littlebottom pronounced her name 'Cheri'. She was a she, and therefore a rare bloom in Ankh-Morpork.

It wasn't that dwarfs weren't interested in sex. They saw the vital need for fresh dwarfs to leave their goods to and continue the mining work after they had gone. It was simply that they also saw no point in distinguishing between the sexes anywhere but in private. There was no such thing as a dwarfish female pronoun or, once the children were on solids, any such thing as women's work.

Then Cheery Littlebottom had arrived in Ankh-Morpork and had seen that there were men out there who did not wear chain-mail or leather underwear^[4] , but did wear interesting colours and exciting make-up, and these men were called 'women'.^[5] And in the little bullet head the thought had arisen: 'Why not me?'

Now she was being denounced in cellars and dwarf bars across the city, as the first dwarf in Ankh-Morpork to wear a skirt. It was hardwearing brown leather and as objectively erotic as a piece of wood but, as some older dwarfs would point out, somewhere under there were his knees.^[6]

Worse, they were now finding that among their sons were some - they choked on the word - 'daughters'. Cheery was only the frothy bit on the tip of the wave. Some younger dwarfs were shyly wearing eyeshadow and declaring that, as a matter of fact, they didn't like beer. A current was running through dwarf society.

Dwarf society was not against a few wellthrown rocks in the direction of those bobbing on the current, but Captain Carrot had put the word on the street that this would be assault on an officer, a subject on which the Watch held views, and however short the miscreants their feet really would not touch the ground.

Cheery had retained her beard and round iron helmet, of course. It was one thing to declare that you were female, but quite unthinkable to declare that you weren't a dwarf. '

'Open and shut case, sir,' she said when she saw Vimes come in. 'They opened the window in the back room to get in, a very neat job, and didn't shut the front door after they left. Smashed the Scone's case. There's the glass all round the stand. Didn't take anything else that I can see. Left a lot of footprints in the dust. I took a few pictures, but they're scuffed up and weren't much good in the first place. That's about it, really.'

'No dropped fag-ends, wallets or bits of paper with an address on them?' said Vimes.

'No, sir. They were inconsiderate thieves.'

'They certainly were,' said Carrot grimly.

'A question that springs to mind,' said Vimes, 'is: why does it reek even worse of cat's piss now?'

'It is rather sharp, isn't it?' said Cheery. 'With a hint of sulphur, too. Constable Ping said it was like this when he arrived, but there's no cat prints.'

Vimes crouched down and looked at the broken glass. 'How did we find out about this?' he said, prodding a few fragments.

'Constable Ping heard the tinkle, sir. He went round the back and saw the window was open. Then the crooks got out through the front door.'

'Sorry about that, sir,' said Ping, stepping forward and saluting. He was a cautious-looking young man who appeared permanently poised to answer a question.

'We all make mistakes,' said Vimes. 'You heard glass break?'

'Yessir. And someone swore.'

'Really? What did they say?'

'Er... 'Bugger', sir.'

'And you went around the back and saw the broken window and you... ?'

'I called out, 'Is there anyone there?' sir.'

'Really? And what would you have done if a voice had said 'No'? No, don't answer that. What happened next?'

'Er... I heard a lot more glass break and when I got round to the front the door was open and they were gone. So I legged it back to the Yard and told Captain Carrot, sir, knowing he sets a lot of store by this place.'

'Thank you... Ping, is it?'

'Yessir.' Entirely unasked, but obviously prepared to answer, Ping said, 'It's a dialect word meaning 'watermeadow', sir.'

'Off you go, then.'

The lance-constable visibly sagged with relief, and left.

Vimes let his mind unfocus a little. He enjoyed moments like these, the little bowl of time when the crime lay before him and he believed that the world was capable of being solved. This was the time you really looked to see what was there, and sometimes the things that weren't there were the most interesting things of all.

The Scone had been kept on a plinth about three feet high, inside a case made of five sheets of glass forming a box that was screwed down on the plinth.

'They smashed the glass by accident,' he said eventually.

'Really, sir?'

'Look here, see?' Vimes pointed to three loose screws, neatly lined up. 'They were trying to take the box apart carefully. It must have slipped.'

'But what's the point?' said Carrot. 'It's just a replica, sir! Even if you could find a buyer, it's not worth more than a few dollars.'

'If it's a good one you could swap it with the real thing,' said Vimes.

'Well, yes, I suppose you could try,' said Carrot. 'There would be a bit of a problem, though.'

'What is it?'

'Dwarfs aren't stupid, sir. The replica has got a big cross carved into the underside. And it's only made of plaster in any case.'

'Oh.'

'But it was a good idea, sir,' Carrot said encouragingly. 'You weren't to know.'

'I wonder if the thieves knew.'

'Even if they didn't, they wouldn't have a hope of getting away with it, sir.'

'The real Scone is very well guarded,' said Cheery. 'It's very rare that most dwarfs get a chance to see it.'

'And other people would notice if you had a great lump of rock up your jumper,' said Vimes, more or less to himself. 'So, this was a stupid crime. But it doesn't feel stupid. I mean, why go to all this trouble? The lock on that door is a joke. You could kick it right out of the woodwork. If I was going to pinch this thing, I could be in here and out again before the glass had stopped tinkling. What would be the point of being quiet at this time of night?'

The dwarf had been rummaging under a nearby display cabinet. She drew her hand out. Drying blood glistened on the blade of a screwdriver.

'See?' said Vimes. 'Something slipped, and someone cut their hand. What's the point of all this, Carrot? Cat's piss and sulphur and screwdrivers... I hate it when you get too many clues. It makes it so damn hard to solve anything.'

He threw the screwdriver down. By sheer luck it hit the floorboards tip first and stood there shuddering.

'I'm going home,' he said. 'We'll find out what this is all about when it starts to smell.'

Vimes spent the following morning trying to learn about two foreign countries. One of them turned out to be called Ankh-Morpork.

Uberwald was easy. It was five or six times bigger than the whole of the Sto Plains, and stretched all the way up to the Hub. It was so thickly forested, so creased by little mountain ranges and beset by rivers, that it was