Over the course of the next several days Dude Miller improved to the point where he was no longer confined to bed. He took all his meals in the kitchen and spent most of his day in the living room.
In the evening Evan had taken to playing poker in the saloon. If he was going to hear anything worth hearing, it would be in there.
They decided that during the poker games Jubal and Sam would take turns standing at the bar, watching Evan’s back. Whichever one was at the bar, the other would be with Serena and Dude Miller at the house.
Evan and Jubal left the house to go to the saloon, which left Sam to help Serena clean up after dinner.
“You don’t have to do that,” she said, as he cleared the table and carried the plates and utensils to the sink.
“It’s all right,” Sam said. “I have nothin’ better to do.”
“Why don’t you go out into the living room with Pa and have a drink?”
He stopped and looked at her. He was so big that standing, he dwarfed the kitchen. When he was there with her she felt crowded—and he always wore his gun. Evan and Jubal, when they were there with her, kept their guns close, but they didn’t always wear them. Sam never took his off.
“Is there some reason you don’t want me in the kitchen with you?”
She stopped what she was doing and turned to look at him. She was drying her hands on a towel. Her hair was caught back above her nape, but some strands had come loose and were flying around her head. He thought he’d never seen anything prettier.
“You make me nervous.”
“I do?” he asked, surprised.
“Maybe I should say you…intimidate me.”
“Why?”
She didn’t answer, but her eyes went to the gun on his hip.
“Oh.”
“Do you ever take it off?”
“Sometimes,” he said, “when I sleep.”
“Sometimes?”
“It’s not always wise to take it off, even when I’m asleep.”
“Must you…” she started, then shook her head and stopped.
“Go ahead,” he said. “If you want to ask me something, ask me.”
“Could you sit down? You’re…very big.”
“I’ll sit if you’ll—give me a cup of coffee.”
“All right.”
“And have one with me.”
“A-all right.”
She poured two cups of coffee, came to the table with them, and sat down.
“Must you always be afraid that someone will…will try to kill you?”
“I guess I must.”
“That must be a horrible way to live,” she said. “How do you stand it?”
“The way I live is of my own choosing.”
“Really?”
“Well,” he said, “it’s a result of the way I chose to live my life when I was younger.”
“Is that when you made most of your…reputation?”
He scratched his jaw.
“That’s hard to say,” he said. “Let’s say it’s when I set the tone for the rest of my life.”
“I’m afraid I don’t understand…”
“What do you know about me?”
“Only what I’ve read, and heard.”
“How much of that do you believe?”
“I…I guess I believed most of it, until…”
“Until what?”
“Until I met you…again.”
“And now?”
“Now, I guess I’m confused.”
“I had a wild youth.”
“Unfortunately,” he said. “Some of the things I did caused me to gain a reputation.”
“And you have to pay for that for the rest of your life?”
He shrugged and said, “Yes.”
“And you accept that?”
“I have no choice.”
“You could take your gun off.”
“What would have happened to me if I hadn’t had my gun on a few days ago, when those men tried to ambush me?”
“I—I suppose you would have been killed.”
“That fate doesn’t appeal to me, Serena.”
“What if you stayed here, lived here?”
“Here, in your house?”
She blushed and said, “I mean, what if you took up residence somewhere and took off your gun. Wouldn’t your reputation…uh, go away after a while?”
“That kind of a reputation never goes away, Serena,” he said. “At some time someone would recognize me and decide to try me. It’s happened before.”
She looked interested.
“You tried to do this before?”
“Once,” he said, “in Mexico. I thought I could settle down there and not be bothered.”
“Settle?” she asked. “Uh, did you have a woman?”
“I had a wife.”
“A wife?”
“Yes,” he said. “A beautiful Mexican girl.”
“What happened?”
“I was recognized by a man who wanted me to face him with my gun.”
“And what happened?”
“I refused.”
“And?”
“And he and his three friends raped and killed my wife when I was away from my house.”
“Oh my God,” she said, going pale. “W-what did you do?”
“I killed them.”
She swallowed and asked, “All of them?”
“Yes, all of them.”
“T-thereby adding to your reputation.”
He nodded and said, “Through no fault of my own, right?”
“Of course.”
“Wrong,” he said. “What happened was a result of the way I chose to live my life when I was younger. You see, I can’t escape it, Serena. I’ve tried.”
She stared at him for a few moments, her eyes moist, and then she said, “I’m sorry, Sam.”
“Don’t be,” Sam said. “It was a long time ago. Would you like me to help you wash these cups?”
“No,” she said, “no…”
He stood up and said, “Do I still make you nervous?”
