so many of them and they were so bright. The universe felt alive. And I didn’t feel alone.
“ And then, after all this walking in the middle of nowhere, there, in the middle of these country fields, there was this small town carnival. It lit up the night. There were games, and popcorn, and cotton candy, and candy apples, and all kinds of fun things. I member you loved the candy apples. There was this one stand, where the apples floated, and you’d dunk your head in the water and try to bite one. You must have tried a hundred times.”
I look down and see Bree smiling.
“ Did mom and dad get mad?”
“ You know dad,” I say. “He gets impatient. But you were so insistent, they waited. They weren’t mad. By the end, dad was even cheering for you. Telling you how to do it, giving you direction. You know how he is.”
“ Like we’re in the Army,” she says.
“ Exactly.”
I sigh and think, trying to remember more.
“ I remember they got us all tickets for the Ferris wheel, and the four of us sat together, in the front. You loved it. You didn’t want to get off. More than anything, you loved the stars. You were really wishing it would stop while we were at the top, so you could be closer to the sky when you looked. You kept making mom and dad do the ride over and over again until finally, you got what you wanted. You were so happy. You’re so good with the sky: you pointed out the Milky Way and the Big Dipper and everything. Things I didn’t even know. I’d never seen you so happy.”
Bree has a real smile on her face now, as she rests her head on my shoulder. I can feel her body starting to relax.
“ Tell me more,” she says, but now her voice is a gentle whisper, falling asleep.
“ Later, we went into a hall of mirrors. And then into a freak show. There was a bearded lady, and a 600 pound man, and a man who was two feet tall. He scared you.
“ dad’s favorite game was the guns. He made us stop at the BB guns, and he fired again and again. When he missed a target, he got mad, and blamed the manager for the faulty gun. He insisted that he never missed a shot, that there was something wrong with the gun, and he wanted his money back. You know dad.”
Thinking of it now, I smile at the thought of it. How little something like that would matter now, in this day and age.
I look down, expecting to see Bree smile back, but find her fast asleep.
Rose grunts and squirms again, lying by the fire, and this time, it seems to really upset Logan. He gets up, walks to the mouth of the cave and looks out the snow, ostensibly watching our boat. But I know he’s not watching; there’s nothing to see out there. He just can’t take her pain and suffering. It’s upsetting him, maybe more than anyone.
Ben sits opposite me, staring into the flames, too. He seems to be coming out of it more and more. I’m sure he must feel a sense of self-worth for feeding us both these nights.
I sit there in silence, staring at the fire for what feels like hours, Bree asleep in my arms. I don’t know how much time has passed, when Ben speaks:
“ What happened in New York was horrible.”
I look up at him, surprised. He looks right at me, his large soulful eyes staring, and I can see that he wants to speak, that he wants me to know. That he is ready. He wants to tell me everything.
N I N E
“ I caught the train my brother was on,” Ben says, “and it took me deep in the tunnels. It stopped at a huge mining station, deep underground. Hundreds of boys chained together, working like slaves. I looked everywhere for him. Everywhere. But I couldn’t find him.”
He sighs.
“ I snuck up to one of the boys and asked him. I hid in the shadows as he asked around. I described him perfectly. Finally, word got back to me. They said he was dead. They were positive. They saw one of the slaverunners get mad at him for not moving fast enough, and they said they beat him with a chain. They saw him die.”
There is a long silence, and then a muffled cry, and I see Ben wiping away his tears. I hardly know what to say. I can’t comprehend the guilt he must feel.
“ I never should have left him alone,” Ben says. “Back in the mountains. I left him alone, just for an hour. I didn’t think they’d come. I hadn’t seen them in years.”
“ I know,” I say. “I never thought they would, either. But it’s not your fault. They are to blame, not you.”
“ The worst part of all of this is not seeing it for myself,” Ben says. “Not seeing him dead. Not knowing for sure. I can’t explain it, but I don’t believe he’s dead. A part of me still thinks those boys might have mixed him up with somebody else. I know him. He wouldn’t die. Not like that. He’s strong. Smart. Smarter than me, stronger than me. And tougher than me. I think he escaped. I really do. I think he worked his way back up the river. I think he’s going to come back to our house, and wait for me there. Back in the mountains.”
I look at Ben and see a frenzied look in his eyes, and realize that he has taught himself to believe this fantasy. I don’t want to ruin his fantasy. I don’t want to tell him that that is nearly impossible. Because in this day and age, we all need our dreams, as much as we need food or water.
“ Do you think?” he asks, looking right at me. “Do you think he’s still alive?”
I don’t have the heart to say no.
So instead, I look back at him, and say, “Anything is possible.”
Because a part of me knows that it’s not helpful to live in fantasy-but another part of me has learned that, sometimes, fantasy is all you have.
I open my eyes, disoriented. I don’t understand what’s happening. The floor of the cave is lined with thousands of brightly colored flowers, purple and whites and pinks. I look down and see I am lying on a bed of flowers, see sunlight pouring into the cave. Outside, it is warm, balmy, a beautiful spring day, with gentle breezes coming off the river. Beyond the entrance to the cave I see lush trees, flowers everywhere, birds chirping. The sun is so bright and strong, it is like a light shining in from heaven. As I look all around me, I notice there is a soft white glow in the air; a great sense of peace has come over me.
I sit up and see, standing before me, Rose, light radiating behind her. To my shock, she looks perfectly healthy and happy now, a big smile on her face.
She steps forward and wraps her arms around me in a huge hug. She kisses my cheek and whispers: “I love you, Brooke.”
I pull her back and look at her and kiss her on the forehead, so happy to see her healthy again.
“ I love you, too,” I say.
I can feel the warmth and love radiating off of her. She slowly pulls away. I tried to hold onto her, but she releases my hands, and I feel her slipping away.
“ Rose?”
Before my eyes she starts to float away. She drifts up into the air, smiling down at me.
“ Don’t worry,” she says. “I’m happy now.”
She becomes more and more translucent, until she blends into the light. She floats up out of the cave, outside, into the sky, higher and higher, all the while, her face looking down at me, smiling. I can feel the intense love from her, and I feel just as much love for her. I want to hold her, I don’t want her to go. But I feel her leaving.
I wake, looking all around in the cave. I wonder if I’m dreaming this time, and it takes me a minute to realize that this time, I’m truly awake.
Sunlight floods the cave, and it is much warmer than yesterday. The snow is piled high but already melting, and light bounces off of it. I remember being up all night with Rose; she was shaking, trembling, burning up from fever all night long. But I didn’t let her go. I rocked her and whispered in her ear that everything would be
