A part of me thinks we might not all make it through this night. If we don’t, I want to know how he really feels about me.
Now that he’s looking at me, I don’t know how to ask. I am nervous. But I force myself. After all, I have little left to lose.
“ When you kissed me, back in the city,” I say. “Why did you do that?”
I look at him, searching into his eyes, waiting for his reaction. I don’t know why, but for some reason, now, here, of all places, it is suddenly important to me.
He opens his mouth and closes it several times. He looks flustered, as if he doesn’t know how to respond.
“ I… I…um…” He looks down, then up again. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I wasn’t in my right mind.”
His words hurt me.
“ So you’re saying you didn’t mean to?” I ask.
My heart is sinking. He looks down, then back up at me.
“ That’s not what I’m saying,” he says. “I did mean to do it. I meant to do it. I wanted to.”
“ So then why are you sorry?” I ask.
He looks at me, confused.
“ Aren’t you upset that I kissed you?” he asks.
I think about that. I was surprised at the time. But not…upset. And now, as I think about…no, I’m not upset.
In fact, I want him to do it again.
But I’m nervous, and my words are starting to fail me. So instead, I shake my head.
Slowly, he gets up, snow crunching beneath him, and takes a few steps over to me.
He sits in the empty spot beside me, against the same tree, and looks into my eyes. He reaches up with one hand and places it on my cheek.
My heart is pounding.
And then slowly, Ben leans in and kisses me.
At first, I hesitate.
But then, I meet his kiss, kissing him back. My heart is pounding in my chest, and for the first time in as long as I can remember, I’m no longer aware of my surroundings, of the cold, the hunger, of the million things that are wrong in the universe.
I think only of Ben. And of my wonder that he can transport me from this place, this time, with just a single, magical kiss.
T H I R T E E N
I awaken at dawn, slowly peeling open my eyes, colder than I’ve ever been. The cold is unfathomable. I feel as if someone has thrown me into a meat locker and slammed shut the door, and not let me out for a week.
The fire is long-extinguished, now ashes, covered in ice. I look up and see that the entire ground is covered in ice-and that all the trees are covered in ice, too. Everything, down to the smallest branch, hangs with ice. I can’t believe it. An ice storm.
The world is as beautiful as it is cold, everything frozen, shining in the early morning light. I feel as if I’ve wakened in Superman’s palace.
I try to move, and feel my body covered in ice, stuck to the tree. I raise my arms and shoulders, and I break off small particles of ice. Ben has fallen asleep beside me, leaning against the same tree, and Bree is asleep on my other side. Two feet away is Logan, lying exactly as I left him, against his own tree. Everyone is asleep but me. They all look frozen. In fact, they all look dead, and for a moment, I wonder if they have all frozen to death.
My heart beats wildly as I sit up. I shake Bree. Penelope wakes, looking up at me, her eyes sleepy, then, finally, Bree opens her eyes, too. I flood with relief. We’re not dead, yet.
I reach over and shake Ben, then get up and shake Logan. Thankfully, they each wake, although they all look frozen, half dead. I know we can’t lay here anymore.
“ We have to get up,” I say. “We have to keep moving. If we don’t, we’ll freeze to death. Let’s go. On your feet,” I say, summoning my toughest voice, needing to mobilize them.
I help pull them up, and slowly, each of them begins to rise, the sound of ice cracking as they gain their feet. Logan tries several times, but can’t seem to get up on his bad leg, which is covered in ice. I’m hoping the ice helped reduce the inflammation, at least. I bend down and drape one of his arms over my shoulder, and Ben takes the other. Together, we hoist him onto his feet. My back reels as I do so: he feels like he weighs a thousand pounds.
Logan groans as he gets to his feet, and he wobbles, unsteady.
“ I can’t stand,” he says.
“ We’ll walk you,” I say.
I look at Ben, he nods back, and together, we begin to walk Logan, he leaning heavily on us, limping on one leg. Bree hurries up beside us, holding Penelope. I take one last look back at our little campsite, at the frozen fire, at the sparkling woods all around us. I’m glad to leave this place.
We hobble through the woods, the four of us, walking into the breaking day, each stiff and exhausted. We reach an open clearing, and find the train tracks and continue alongside them, our feet crunching with every step on the ice. It must be ten degrees. I’ve never been this cold in my life. It is a mind-numbing cold, one that prevents me from thinking clearly.
“ Where are we going?” Bree asks, finally shattering the silence.
I’m wondering the same thing myself. All I know is that we are heading north, to some remote town in Canada that probably doesn’t even exist. With each step, I feel more and more the futility, the impossibility, of our mission. We are slowing down with each step, too, and I’m seriously doubting if we will even survive to nightfall.
“ I don’t know,” I answer Bree, truthfully.
I look for shelter as we go, but see none. Nothing but endless trees and train tracks, and the frozen river to our side. No sign of any towns at this point, no boats, no old houses-nothing. We are in the midst of a vast stretch of wilderness, and we walk and walk. With every minute, it’s getting colder, harder, and my legs ache even more.
“ Stop,” Logan says.
Ben and I stop and turn and look at him. He is groaning in pain, his face drawn, too pale. He looks like a walking corpse.
“ I can’t go on anymore,” he says. “Leave me here. You’ll be faster without me. I’m not going to make it anyway.”
“ We’re not going to leave you,” I say.
Logan pulls his arms off of our shoulders, and suddenly collapses down to the ground. He lies there, not moving.
“ I can’t go on,” he says, lying there.
We all exchange a worried look.
“ Leave me,” he says. “I’m serious.”
I don’t know what to do. I know that I can’t leave him. But if he refuses to walk, I can’t force him to.
I realize he’s right: we’re not getting anywhere. He is slowing us down. But at the same time, I don’t care. I think back, remember when he helped me. He wouldn’t let me die, for any reason. And I’m not about to let him die. Especially since he hurt himself saving Bree’s life.
“ We can stand here all day if you want,” I say down to him. “We’re not leaving you. If you can’t walk, we’ll make camp here.”
Logan weakly shakes his head, too tired to argue back.
As I stand there, listening to the wind howl, feeling colder than I ever have, trying to figure out what to do, suddenly, I hear a noise.
