Beyond Shame

Noelle batted his hand away. “I’m saying it now. No, Jasper. I need time and space.” Mostly because without the space, she’d never make herself take the time—but she wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of admitting it. O’Kane men were already universally overconfident.

His discontented rumble melted into a sigh, and he held up both hands. “I’m going. You know where to find me.”

She nodded, clamping down on the surge of panic that threatened. Watching him walk away would hurt, but she needed him to go. She needed to trust that he would come back. “I’ll see you around.”

He paused at the door, his hand on the knob, and smiled at her. “We’re bound to run into each other, Noelle.”

It was dangerous to tease, but she couldn’t resist. “Especially if you keep showing up for my acts.”

“It makes for a damn nice view, I’ve got to give you that.” Jasper pulled open the door but paused just over the threshold. “Sweet dreams.”

Noelle smiled in return, but when the door closed behind him, she collapsed onto the bed, cradling the painting in both hands as his words echoed through her mind in an endless refrain.

I’m finished with limits.

Oh, she’d have dreams all right, but sweet wouldn’t begin to describe them, and he knew it.

She’d wanted him to fight for her. What she should have realized was that Jasper would fight dirty. I want to mark you. Not a fling. Not an affair, or even a collar. She’d wanted commitment, and he’d upped the ante. Everything, forever, if she could trust him.

If she could let herself trust him.

* * *

Two days of thinking brought no clarity, though Noelle had endured what felt like a month’s worth of restless nights, drifting in and out of heated dreams in between long hours watching candlelight flicker across the ceiling. More than once, she’d almost rolled from the bed in search of Lex, but Lex…

God, it was disloyal to even think it, but Lex couldn’t help her. Not with this.

One person could, which was why Noelle waited until Flash left to run an errand before knocking on the door of the suite he shared with Amira.

The petite brunette opened the door while stifling a yawn, and she waved Noelle inside. “I was wondering if you’d come around to see me.”

“Does everyone know?” Not long ago, the thought would have made Noelle self-conscious, but now it only seemed…inevitable.

Amira shook her head as she waddled over to the couch, the curve of her belly more pronounced now than it had been just a few weeks earlier. “Secrets in a place like this? Never happen.”

Noelle hovered until Amira was settled comfortably, then dropped beside her with a sigh. “I tried thinking on my own, but there’s so much I still don’t understand. And usually I’d just ask Lex, but…”

“But if she had it all figured out, she and Dallas wouldn’t be at each other’s throats half the time?”

“Lex has a lot of things figured out,” Noelle replied, fighting the twinge of guilt. “I don’t think surrender is one of them.”

Amira waved that away. “Eh, goes both ways. It can’t be on one person’s shoulders. Give and take—that’s what it’s all about.”

Noelle gestured to the ink swirling across Amira’s throat. “Is that how you knew? The give and take worked?”

She seemed to consider that for a moment. “No, not really. I barely knew Flash was interested in me and suddenly, there he was, asking me to be his. All I really knew was that he’d do everything he could to make it work. I figured if I did the same, we’d be all right.”

No clarity to be found there. Noelle sighed and slumped lower on the couch. “I’ve always wanted to give Jasper everything. The only thing that’s changed is the reason why I’m afraid.”

“So why are you afraid?”

Even admitting it made her chest ache. “He hurt me.”

“Oh, Noelle.” Amira’s voice was filled with sympathy but tinged with wry humor. “He was a jerk, and he made a mistake. That’s going to happen.”

Her gut clenched as she thought of Dallas, pushing Lex until she lashed out and hurt herself. “All the time?”

“Of course not,” Amira assured her. “But no one can hurt you more than someone you love. So I guess you have to ask yourself if it’s worth the risk.”

Noelle rubbed the heel of her hand over her breastbone, as if that would soothe the pain that lingered in her chest. “Does it make us weak to forgive them?”

“No. Real forgiveness is damn hard, and you have to be strong to do it.” Squinting, Amira tilted her head. “It’s different from bowing down and taking shit from someone who treats you like crap.”

“I was good at that. It’s all I’ve ever been good at.” She studied Amira for a moment, but her gaze was drawn inexorably to the ink, the mark around her throat that said she belonged to Flash, and Flash belonged to her. “He wants to mark me,” she whispered. “He brought me this painting… Something Ace would want, I guess. He said he’d wait for me to decide.”

“Okay. What do you want?”

“I want him. But I want to be sure that…” Trailing off, she reached for Amira’s hand. “There’s a middle ground, right? Between taking shit and turning into Lex and Dallas?”

Amira hesitated and then shook her head. “You lost me. I can’t put those two things on a spectrum because I don’t see the connection.”

“The way they argue—” Noelle dug her teeth into her lip and tried to give voice to the uncertainty inside her. “Sometimes, watching Lex… She never stops pushing back against him. It makes me wonder if I’m weak for not wanting to fight all the time.”

“Oh, sweetie. That’s just Dallas and Lex. Maybe they’ll get better when they figure out their shit, and maybe they’ll always be that way.” Amira shrugged. “Maybe they love it, who knows? You and Jasper aren’t them.”

No, they weren’t. Lex had helped drag Noelle out of the numbness of her old self, but that didn’t mean Noelle had to walk the same path. Even Lex might not want her to—that was what this newly acquired freedom was, after all. A chance for Noelle to decide who she wanted to be.

Which stripped away one set of worries, but left the same nagging hurt, the one she could bury in words and excuses and rationalizations and never drown.

Jasper had hurt her. Whether through good intentions or carelessness, it didn’t matter. He’d crushed something fragile, and while doing it had damaged her trust. She couldn’t close her eyes and believe that he’d always know what she needed, that he’d always be there, giving it to her, no questions asked.

But maybe it had been the wrong sort of trust. Open, passive trust, the kind that was reckless to give and easy to shatter. The girl who’d been thrown through the gates of Eden had trusted blindly because she hadn’t had any other choice. That kind of trust meant as little as one more yes from someone who never said no.

This time would be harder. She’d have to trust Jasper, knowing he was human. Knowing he could hurt her, even when he didn’t mean to. She’d have to trust that he’d do his best, and make amends when his best wasn’t enough.

She’d have to trust herself to tell him when she needed something he couldn’t possibly know to give.

“You’re right,” she whispered, squeezing Amira’s hand. “Forgiveness is hard. And scary.”

“Hell yeah, it is. But what’s the alternative?”

“Being without them, I guess.”

“Yeah.” Amira dropped her head to the back of the couch and grinned. “And that’s definitely not worth it.”

Noelle laughed. “No, they have their appeal. Even when they’re grumpy. Maybe especially when they’re grumpy.”

“Mmm, that they are.”