The Dead & Dying

with hands balled into fists.

“Just fucking die already, damn it! Just die…. ”

Eventually his rage spent itself and Doc crumbled to his knees, pressing his face into his hands as his back hitched with sobs. The whiteout had passed us by and I could now see that we were only twenty yards or so from the edge of town. Several corpses were sprawled across the snow and Carl was hunkered down near one of them. At first, I thought he was going through its pockets like he always did, but then I noticed that he’d pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger and rubbed it like a man trying to coax away a headache.

His body seemed slumped and weary as he shook his head slowly. He looked over his shoulder for a moment, back toward the stretcher where Sadie was just now staggering to her feet. Something about this seemed to ignite a powder keg of anger within him; he began punching the snow, pummeling the dunes with his fists as he growled like a pissed off jungle cat.

I then noticed that the other corpses seemed to form something of a ring around this one. Almost as if it were the epicenter of the attack. And the snow surrounding it was bright red with tendrils of steam still curling from the splatter.

Sophie tottered over to where Carl was and I heard a wail tremble from within her that words could never begin to describe. But I can say how it made me feel: hearing that old woman’s voice made me feel as if there were no more hope for mankind. That we’d had our day in the sun and thrived for much longer than any creature has the right to; but now we were at the end and there was nothing left for us out there in the world we once ruled. Nothing but despair and sadness and a chasm waiting to be filled with blood and tears.

She was on her knees now as well, her body splayed across the corpse as if she could somehow infuse it with some of her own life force. As if the heat from her fever could thaw the muscles that were beginning to stiffen. As if she would only lay with him long enough, he would reach up and stroke her hair one final time.

I realized then that I, too, was crying and I wanted to go to Sadie and take her in my arms. I wanted to press her frail body against mine and let her cry until it seemed as if she would never cry again. But, somehow, I couldn’t force myself to get up out of the snow; it almost seemed that if I did this, then it would prove what my mind so desperately didn’t want to believe: Watchmaker was dead. And he wasn’t coming back. At least not in any form we wanted him too.

I’m not sure how long I stayed there, but eventually I wandered over to where Watchmaker’s body lay. Doc had already joined them and Sadie was draped across Carl’s arms, her face buried into his shoulder, sobbing softly.

“I’m sorry, Doc. I just can’t do it. Not this time.”

Carl’s voice sounded strained and his eyes seemed to plead with his friend.

“I just… I just can’t.”

Doc placed a hand on his shoulder and shook his head slowly.

“It’s okay, buddy. You get these ladies to town. I’ll be along shortly.”

Without being told, I took Carl’s pistol from the waistband of his pants and we began trudging through the snow and toward the little town ahead. We walked in silence, each of us lost within our own thoughts as Carl’s jacket soaked up Sadie’s tears.

Snow covered fields gave way to streets that had layers of ice hidden beneath the white blanket and we picked our steps carefully; our eyes scanned the signs outside of businesses watching for one that either read MD or RX.

As we turned a corner, a single shot rang out and Sadie screamed as she burrowed her face further into Carl’s shoulder. He opened his mouth as if to say something; but if there were any words that could help alleviate some of the suffering within the old woman he carried, they wouldn’t come. All he could do was hold her even more tightly as he glanced at me through eyes that shimmered behind a veil of tears.

Watchmaker was gone and Doc had ensured his body would not rise up again. He wouldn’t pursue the woman he’d spent decades building a life with, wouldn’t taint her memories of him as he fought to claw his way through his flesh. And this, perhaps, was the greatest comfort we could have possibly given her. The comfort of remembering him as he truly was….

We ended up finding a supply of amoxicillin and prescription strength ibuprofen in a drugstore that looked as if a bomb had been detonated within it. Shelves had been overturned and products were scattered across the floor: curling irons, printer paper, disposable cameras, and bottles of talc that had burst open and spilled piles of white powder out of their mouths. In the corner someone had apparently made a fire at one point for the walls and ceiling were covered with dark stains of soot and the carpet had melted in a radius around a pile of ashes. Scrawled across the wall in black magic marker were the words Helenboro overrun. Scott’s Bluff infested. DO NOT GO!

Doc had rejoined the group by this point and the three of us sorted through the mounds of pills and tablets that littered the pharmacy section while Sadie curled into a tight ball nearby. Her tears had dried up by then and she simply lay there, staring at the wall with an expression on her face as blank as the fields of snow outside.

We took what we thought would be useful, stuffing little blister packs and loose pills into our pockets to sort through later.

“Man, people have their priorities all out of whack.” Doc said. “Anyone but me notice that there’s all these antibiotics, all these low-grade pain relievers? But have you seen a single narcotic? Any type of controlled substance at all?”

“Beer cooler’s been wiped out, too.” I added. “Noticed that when we first came in. Wine section, too.”

Carl had been strangely silent since we’d left Doc with Watchmaker’s body out there in the field. We tried to pull him into the conversation, tried to distract him with questions, but it was obvious from the distant look in his eye that his mind was somewhere far away. And there was pain etched into his face; pain that I somehow knew was deeper than just the loss of the old man.

“Hell even before all this shit went down, people were looking for a way to escape. I guess now, for some at least, a little self-prescribed numbness is all they’ve got left.”

We were all silent for a moment as we listened to the wind bang the signage out front against the plate glass window. Finally Doc broke the silence with a hushed whisper.

“We’ve got to get her somewhere warm. Somewhere out of this cold. We can dose her up, but this chill’s not good for her lungs. We’ll be fighting a losing battle.”

“I thought that was the plan all along. You guys told me so the first day we met.”

“Yeah, but this walking the earth shit isn’t cutting it anymore. We can keep heading south, but I doubt she’ll last another two weeks out there in the snow. We need some wheels.”

For the first time in nearly an hour, Carl spoke but the voice seemed almost as if it were running on autopilot. It was like the words were somehow detached from the man speaking them.

“You remember Bloomburg, Doc? All the trouble we got ourselves into ’cause we thought a car would make life easier?”

Doc took a deep breath and seemed to turn Carl’s question over in his mind for a bit.

“How the hell could I forget? I thought you and I were going to die on that damn freeway. But we don’t really have much of a choice here. If Sadie isn’t somewhere warmer, and soon, we’re going to lose her too.”

It occurred to me that our lives had basically been condensed into that one statement: we don’t have much of a choice. Survival made demands on you. Sometimes its requirements were easy ones. Other times it was like wrestling with an alligator. But in the end, consequences dictated our course of action and we were helpless to fight against the flow.

“I saw a Hummer as I was coming into town. Those things are built like tanks. As long as there’s gas and we can find the keys, I say we put some serious distance between us and this town. Hell, if we’re lucky we could be in Florida in no time at all.”

For the first time since I’d met the group, I felt like an outsider. And I’m not sure why. But part of me thought this was a decision they would have to make on their own.

“Shit, Doc, I know you’re right. I know Sadie has to be taken outta this place soon.”

“But?”

Carl sighed and looked his friend directly in the eye.

“But I can’t go with you, man. I’ve been turning some shit over in my head today. Revisiting old haunts.