The One That Got Away - Junior edition

‘The Territorial Army. The reserves. As I said, I was going in to retrieve a downed pilot, and something happened. There was a big bang, the helicopter crashed, and I just ran for it. We came down, and I was really scared. I didn’t wait for anybody else…’ Keep it light, I was thinking. Pretend to be nervous.

‘How long ago?’

‘Three days, I think.’

‘Whereabouts was the crash?’

‘I don’t know. I just ran. I had no idea where we were.’

‘What sort of helicopter was it?’

‘A Sea King.’

‘What did it look like?’

‘Just a helicopter… Single engine.’

The interpreter had been watching me closely. ‘OK,’ he said, and left the room. I didn’t think he’d believed a word I’d said. Too bad. I climbed out of the bath and got my beard off with a couple of shaves. Without the stubble, I looked very thin and tired. My lips were cracked and broken, but no more than if I’d been in the sun too long.

As I was drying myself, the boy who’d measured me brought in a set of clean white underpants and vest and laid them on the toilet seat. Also, he picked up my own stinking kit, and took it out.

Spotting a pair of scales, I stood on them. At first I thought the needle had jammed, so I shook the platform about but it stayed steady on 63.5 kg, or 140 lb. Ten days earlier I’d been 80 kg, or 176 lb. I’d lost 36 lb — over l6 kg.

I pulled on the clean underwear and walked out into the bedroom. Waiting for me was a brand-new blue corduroy suit, together with a white shirt and a tie. By then it was eleven o’clock at night. The secret police must have told a tailor to put the suit together in half an hour. They clearly had influence. There was also a pair of black slip-on shoes.

As I started to get dressed, the boss noticed the state of my feet. He telephoned for a medical orderly, while I sat on the edge of the bed and waited. Soon a medic appeared. He cleaned out the cuts with a lotion that stung, and put plasters on, but he made such a mess of the job that I reckoned I could have done better on my own. If they’d had any zinc oxide tape, I’d have taped my feet right up. Also, I knew I needed some antibiotics. By then my ankles as well as my feet were swollen, and the new pair of shoes wouldn’t go on. I stayed in my socks.

Suddenly a horrible thought hit me. It’s a press conference. They’re dressing me up for a staged press do. I’m going to walk into a room full of lights and reporters and cameramen. They’ll all be asking questions. What am I going to tell them?

I hadn’t a clue what was happening in Iraq. I presumed that the air war was still going on — but I didn’t know if the ground war had started. I didn’t even know what had become of the rest of my patrol.

If I said the wrong thing now, I could blow the whole SAS operation in the Gulf.

I could blow the fact that the Regiment was in Saudi.

Did the Syrians realize I was in the SAS?

Maybe I should tell them the truth, in the hope that they’d keep it quiet. One way or another, I could be in big trouble.

Before I had time to worry too much, they moved me back into the sitting room and the boss told the interpreter to switch on the TV. He tuned to CNN, and I soon saw that the air war was still on — Allied aircraft were bombing Baghdad — but there appeared to have been no major action on the ground.

‘Are you hungry?’ the interpreter asked me.

Hungry? In the past eight days I’d eaten two packets of biscuits and two apples. ‘Yes,’ I said. ‘I am.’

‘Just a minute, then.’

He let me watch CNN for a while, then led me through to the other lounge. My feet felt quite easy on the carpet, but I was sore and stiff all over. In my brief absence someone had set out a feast on a table. There were kebabs, steaks, rice, salads, bread and fruit.

‘You must be starving,’ the interpreter said. He heaped a pile of food onto my plate. The smell was fantastic, but when I cut into a steak and took one bite of it, it seemed to stick in my throat and I couldn’t eat any more.

I just sat there drinking pints of water. ‘Is the food bad?’ asked the boss.

‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s just that I’m not as hungry as I thought. More thirsty. I’m sorry.’

The other two had been eating, but I got the impression they were only doing it to be polite. As soon as I gave up, they did too. Back in the other room, the interpreter asked, ‘Well, what would you like to do now? How about seeing some Syrian nightlife?’

What? I was astounded. Didn’t these guys realize what a state I was in?

‘No thanks,’ I muttered. ‘I can’t walk.’

‘Well, do you need anything?’

‘Can you take me to the British Embassy?’

‘Oh? You want to go there?’ He seemed rather surprised.

‘Yes, if it’s possible.’

‘OK.’ He began making phone calls. While he was doing that, I was led across to a table — and there was all my kit which had been taken away in the police station, and which I thought had been stolen.

‘Well,’ said the interpreter, coming over, ‘is everything there?’

I made a check, and found everything present — weapon, ammunition, night-sight, even the white phos grenades.

‘Yeah,’ I said. ‘It’s all there.’

‘This is interesting.’ He picked up the night-sight. ‘What’s this?’

‘Oh, just a thing they gave us so that we could see in the dark.’ I felt sure he knew what it was, so I showed him how to turn it on, and he stood there looking out of the window with it, down into the courtyard.

‘Brilliant!’ he said. ‘I’ll have everything packed away for you.’

I think they knew exactly who I was, but they were playing along with my story.

‘You know,’ said the interpreter keenly, ‘I’ve always wanted to come to England for a holiday. Where do you live?’

‘In Newcastle,’ I said. ‘With my parents.’

‘Oh, I’d love to come there. Can you give me your telephone number and address? Maybe you could show us the sights and return our hospitality some time? Could I give you a ring?’

I made up a number, giving the Rowlands Gill code with changed digits, and a phoney address.

‘By the way,’ the interpreter added as we were waiting. ‘Did you see anyone as you crossed the border? Did anyone meet you?’

That made me think they must have had people out on their own side of the frontier, watching, and waiting to receive escapees. ‘No,’ I told him. ‘I didn’t see anybody.’

‘So you found the police station yourself?’

‘That’s right.’ I told them more or less what had happened at the farmhouse.

‘And this young boy who took you in — where was his house?’

I tried to describe the location, and the boss promised to send someone to thank the people there. ‘How was your journey after that?’ he asked.

I thought, If I tell him about the fake execution and everything else that happened in the desert, he may keep me here for days, until he’s had the guys dragged in.

‘Oh, it was fine, thanks,’ I said. ‘No problem.’

There was a knock at the door, and in came the driver of the car. He was actually cowering, dry-washing his hands in front of him, with his head hanging down. Who is this boss guy? I wondered. What does he do to people to make them behave like that?

The interpreter gave me a piece of paper with a telephone number on it, and said, ‘If you have any problems in Damascus, ring this number and ask to speak to me.’ I put the note in my pocket and tucked my new shoes under one arm. Then I shook hands with the boss, who patted me on the back. ‘The car will take you to the British Embassy,’ he said, ‘and staff of the embassy will meet you there.’

I limped downstairs and found a Mercedes waiting. In we climbed, and the driver set off.