it. If, that was, there was anything to be done.
He reached her room and stopped at the threshold. The door was open and he peered inside. Tina was propped up on a handful of pillows, her head turned away from the door as she stared out the window. He wondered what was going through her mind, what thoughts she was thinking.
Jason tapped lightly on the door frame and she turned to look at him.
'I guessed it would be you,' she said quietly. 'My grandfather called and told me you were alive.'
He didn't speak, just nodded his head. It was as if seeing her had robbed him of his voice.
'Come in,' she said. 'I figure we have some things to talk about.'
He stepped into the room and held out the small bouquet of flowers he'd picked up on the way in. 'I…I thought you might like these,' he said.
She smiled and he was struck once more by her beauty. 'They're beautiful,' she said. 'Thank you.'
He set them on the bedside table, then moved to stand near her bed. The silence between them felt like a chasm he'd once seen in the mountains in South America. There was no possible way across, no way to bridge the gap. Still, he had to say something. 'I wanted to apologize,' he blurted.
Tina's eyes widened slightly. 'Apologize?' she asked. 'I don't understand.'
'I should have protected you better,' he said, the words coming out in a sudden rush. 'I shouldn't have let you get hurt.'
She smiled once again and took his hand. 'That was my choice, remember?' she asked. 'I'm not very good at taking orders, so even if you'd told me to take off, I would have stayed.'
He shook his head. 'Still, I should have expected…' He sighed, letting his words frail off. 'I should have expected something like that.'
'Really?' she said. 'Do you think that somehow you should know how every battle will be fought? Is that how you usually operate?'
'Not exactly,' he admitted. 'Usually, I plan everything down to the last detail. I'm not big on the battles. I'm more of a 'one shot, one kill, move on' kind of guy. They sent me on this mission because they thought I'd have a better chance of fitting in with the locals.'
Tina burst out laughing, then grabbed at her chest. 'Ouch,' she said when the pain subsided. 'Don't make me laugh. It hurts.'
'You don't think I fit in?' he asked.
'Not even remotely,' she said, shaking her head. Her hair was beautiful.
He chuckled. 'Not everything went according to plan,' he said. 'But the mission got done, so that's something.'
'So I heard,' she said. 'Someone named Adrostos — a very scary man, by the way — came by and debriefed me late yesterday. He told me you killed Feng.'
'I did,' he said. 'With some help from your grandfather.'
Her thoughts turned inward, and her face went still. 'Jesse didn't make it,' she said.
'No,' Jason said. 'He didn't.'
Images of the fight flashed through his mind. Maybe if he'd taken on Feng to begin with Jesse would still be alive. But when it came right down to it, Jason knew that Feng was the kind of tiger who liked to play with his food. He'd bought the time he needed with Jesse's life. 'He fought well,' he finally said.
'I imagine that he did,' she said. 'There's something else that didn't go according to plan. Something…I'm not sure how to tell you this.'
Concern filled him. 'What is it?' he asked. 'You're okay, aren't you?'
She nodded. 'Yes, I'm okay, but…there's something you need to know.'
'All right,' he said. 'You can tell me anything.'
'I guess we'll see about that,' she said. She pointed at her belly. 'I'm pregnant, Jason. I'm going to have a baby.'
A strange ringing sound echoed in his ears. 'Baby?' he repeated. 'What baby?'
'But…well…how did that happen?'
She allowed herself a small smile. 'How soon they forget,' she said.
'No,' he said. 'I mean, yes, I remember. I know how it happened, it's just…'
They were both quiet for a moment, then she said, 'Just?'
'I…' Words failed him for a moment, and he tried again. 'I don't know what to say, Tina. What to feel. What you feel.'
She started to speak and he held up a hand to stop her. 'You have every reason to hate me,' he said. 'With everything that's happened, a lot of people killed. Jesse dead. And you certainly didn't expect to get pregnant.'
'No,' she said. 'I didn't. But that's how life works, really. You want everything in your world, every mission, to go according to some plan, but it doesn't. Life happens and things change and get in the way of your plan and you adjust. I will have to adjust.'
He nodded in understanding. 'What do you want me to say, Tina? I nearly got you…and…and our baby killed. What can I offer you?'
'Tell me how you feel about me,' she said. 'What's in your heart?'
Jason stood up and started pacing the room. 'I care about you, Tina,' he said. 'I really do. I don't know if what I feel for you is love, because I haven't ever allowed love to be a part of my life. It's all too fast, what we've had, and I'm not a good candidate for being a family man.'
'No,' she admitted. 'You haven't had much experience with that anyway.'
'To be honest,' he said, 'I'm afraid to love you. It wouldn't be fair. We need…I need time to think. To figure out what I'm feeling, what I should do.'
'I appreciate your honesty, Jason,' she said. 'Really I do. And I understand. We practically just met and now I've sprung this on you.'
'No, it's not that,' he said, then chuckled. 'Well, it's that a little. But I'm not the kind of man to walk out on you,' he said. 'If you never want to see me again, I'll…I mean we can work out some kind of support. I would understand. But then…' Once more, he ran out of words.
'But?' she pressed.
'I'd like to know the child,' he said. 'The baby. I don't…I mean I didn't have a father or a mother. I didn't have a family. I think it's better for kids to have that. I don't know what it means to be a father, but I'm willing to learn.'
He stopped pacing and faced her. 'What do you feel about me?' he asked quietly. 'Do you love me, Tina? Have you fallen in love with me?'
The silence grew between them again for several minutes, then she said, 'I think you're right, Jason. It's been too fast. I don't really know what I feel. I care about you, and I won't cut you out of the baby's life. I think we both need time.'
He didn't reply right away. At least they were both being honest with each other. There'd been more than enough lies between them.
She looked at him thoughtfully for a minute, then said, 'What do you fear?'
Startled, Jason said, 'I'm not afraid of anything.'
'Yes, you are,' she said. 'I'll ask you again, what do you fear? Think about it.'
He did as she asked, and after a moment, he said, 'Failure. Love. Family. All of it, I guess.'
'Go on,' she said.
'I don't know how to be good at what I do for a living, yet be the kind of man you deserve as a husband, if that's something you even want. If it's something I want. I don't know how to be a father — I never had one of my own.'
She laughed lightly. 'Do you think there's a manual or a book you can buy that will really teach you how to be a good husband or a good father?'
'If there was,' he said, 'I'd sure buy it. But the fact is that I'm…what I do for a living…it's not very good for a family.'
'No,' she admitted. 'It isn't. That's why most of the Room 59 agents that are hired don't have one. The missions, if you will, don't mix. And families can become liabilities if your true identity is known.'
