but I learned quickly enough. I’d been at my window for three hours when I took my first break between the third and fourth races. I ran to the bathroom. They are large at the Del Mar track and this one was mobbed. I stood in line waiting for a urinal to open up, all the time staring at my watch. It’s a sin to be back late from a break. We were all on tight schedules and you don’t play around on opening day. The stall next to me opened up and I ran to the door. The guy coming out tripped on my foot. I looked up at him and mumbled an apology and shut the door quickly. I was in a hurry but something in my brain made me turn and look. The guy was washing his hands and he glanced back as I was staring at him, trying to catch a glimpse of his face in the mirror.
I now know what people mean when they talk about their blood freezing. I started to piss on my shoes I was so shaken. I hoped to God he wasn’t still looking and I whipped around so he wouldn’t see my face.
Of all people.
Eddie P.
The guy I owed twenty-five grand and to whom I had sworn upon my mother’s grave that I was good for it.
I wasn’t sure he saw me clearly but he seemed to have some sense of recognition. I tried to stay cool and keep my eye on him. As soon as he left, I exited through the opposite door. I ran into the employee room, opened my locker, and grabbed my keys. I ran to my car, jumped on the 5, and headed south to safety.
I’d never been a tough guy. I’d never needed to be. Life had been pretty easy so far. How had I allowed myself to get into this spot? My heart raced all the way home and a couple of hours beyond. I was shaking uncontrollably. I couldn’t think of what to do. I now had no job, which was better than the alternative. I’d become too accustomed to my skin to want to lose that. I figured I only had enough money to last a month. I went out for dinner after I calmed down a bit but still couldn’t relax. I was hoping to get lost among the mass of people but unfortunately San Diego’s population isn’t that dense. I walked down Ash and all I could see was my shadow bouncing around as the streetlights illuminated me and only me. I headed south to a more crowded section of town but thought better of it. I was sure some of the track people would end up down in the Gaslamp to continue their party. I grabbed a couple of tacos off a roach coach and hurried back to my room.
I could barely eat the small tacos. My stomach was convulsing. My walk had made me feel exposed and I’d begun to shake again. I didn’t deserve this. I wasn’t a bad sort. Hell, I was an altar boy. Got a perfect-attendance award when I was twelve, a heavily lacquered portrait of Jesus with the index finger of his right hand pointing up. My mother said I succumbed to my baser instincts, the first time, when she discovered a
After a week holed up in my room, I was going batty. I had to man up, and besides, I needed supplies. I put on some shades and a Padres baseball cap and went for a walk. I ended up on E Street walking past the library, glad to be breathing the air and out of my room. I was worried about my weed stash. It was stinking my room up so bad you could smell it as you walked by the door. I had to get rid of it and get some money.
E Street is full of small businesses—barbershops, cheap women’s boutiques, and hair supply places—and they were all just opening up for the day. I glanced into the window of one. There’s something soothing about the old- fashioned barber shop. It’s a place where guys go to shoot the shit. You never see women in there. I looked past my reflection to the barber chair. Sitting there, getting himself a nice trim and staring back at me, was Pablito. Some called him Diablito.
Eddie P.’s left hand.
The hand that did all the dirty work.
Fuck!
I turned as calmly as I could, then I ran back to the library. By the time I got into the back stacks I’d half convinced myself I was hallucinating. Paranoia was starting to take over.
I walked slowly through the stacks, trying to relax. I didn’t really know how to behave in a library. I didn’t have a library card and had never been much of a reader. After a few minutes of aimless wandering, my heart had started to slow down again. I figured it was safe to leave, but as I got to the door I saw him, cell phone in hand. This time I knew I wasn’t imagining it.
I ran out a side door, through the parking lot of my motel, and up the stairs to my room, pulling out my keys so I would be exposed as little as possible. I was deciding whether to head to Vegas or Arizona. I grabbed my bag from the closet and filled it with my clothes. Luckily, I hadn’t had any time to shop so everything fit. I went back to the closet for my weed tin which still had three ounces and the rest of my money. I’ve never had a bank account. No papers, no driver’s license, no social, no bank account, so I always carried my fortune with me. I put the weed in the trunk and my money in my pocket.
I drove up the 8 into the mountains, where I figured I could hide off some side road for a while, at least while I split up my weed and formulated a plan. I saw a sign for a casino a few miles ahead and the light went on in my brain. Where there’s gambling there’s alcohol, drugs, and whores. The casino supplied the gambling and the booze but the whores and drug salesmen were independent contractors. I’d see if I could perform a service and unload some of this shit in the casino.
It felt good to have the beginnings of a plan. It gave me hope that I could get out of this mess I’d made. Maybe I could parlay the weed money into something in the casino and begin to pay Eddie part of the twenty-five large I owed him. That would take a load off my mind. I wasn’t made for living like this. Maybe I could talk to Eddie and Louie and enslave myself to them until my debts got paid. Man, I’d do anything to get those monkeys off my back. There was no way I could live another day looking around every corner. I turned the radio up and punched it. I was suddenly feeling as good as I’d felt in a few years. I was going to pay Louie and Eddie P. I was going to get that lawyer and fix my papers so I could get a driver’s license, a checking account, and real credit cards. I was going to make my mother proud.
As I got further east, traffic started to slow. Damn, there was always construction on these highways. You can’t get anywhere in a hurry anymore. Pretty soon the traffic stopped and I could see that a lane closed ahead. Holy crap, you never know how many cars are on the road until you see a jam like this. Maybe there was an accident. I leaned out of my window and stared back at an endless stream of traffic heading up the hill behind me, then I turned forward and saw border patrol trucks.
Fuck.
Nowhere to go.
