from a bottle could be related to a little girl whose mother cuts the crusts off her sandwiches on holidays.”
Since Maurey and I had the only chairs and Lydia held down the counter space, there was nothing left for Delores but a cardboard box full of cookbooks. This gave me a great alley shot, so that, miraculously, Dirty Dick perked up again.
“I’m not related to her mom,” Delores said. “Maurey’s father—that’s Buddy—his father and my grandfather were brothers, weren’t they, hon. Her grandpa came here and started a ranch and mine stayed up in Dubois cutting timber. I guess we got the wild hair side and they got the boring. Present company accepted.”
Maurey discarded the five of diamonds. “Dad’s okay. He’s wilder than he looks, he just works all the time.”
Delores’s legs moved and I know she was way aware of me. “Buddy’s more than okay, hon. I’d be kissing cousins with that man any old day of the week.”
Lydia smiled at me. “What’ve you kids been up to all afternoon?”
“Gin rummy. I owe Maurey three dollars and twenty-five cents.”
“No, we weren’t,” Maurey said. “We were trying to have sex, only we couldn’t do it.”
I had two kings, two aces, and a possible five-card straight in my hand. The straight was all hearts. I could fill it by picking up a six way high in the pile, but that meant possibly eating about ten cards, and Maurey only held three, one step away from rummy. It constituted a tough decision.
“Why were you trying to have sex?” Lydia asked.
“So we won’t be dopes later when we’re old enough to do it for real. I wanted to know what it feels like before I hit puberty, and I figured Sam would be more popular and get more dates if he could please girls. He hasn’t been all that popular so far.”
“How about yourself?”
“I don’t have to please boys to get dates.”
Delores sat up and leaned her elbows on her knees, nipping off my panty shot. “What seemed to be the problem, honey. Wouldn’t the little weinie stand up?”
I decided to pick up the pile. Not much to lose at that point.
Maurey wasn’t paying attention anyway. “It stood up, but we couldn’t figure where he should go in from, then he squirted.”
Delores
As I discarded one of the kings, I made it a point not to look at Lydia. “Your turn.”
Maurey pulled the king and rummied. “Sam didn’t come instantly or anything, but he kept grinding down there without going in.”
Lydia blew a column of smoke at her. “Your mom and you have little chats like this?”
“My mother thinks I’m still a child, sweet thirteen and never been kissed. She won’t even let me use hair spray. If I ever said
“Then why are you comfortable talking premature ejaculations in front of me?” Maurey and I stayed quiet. I don’t think either of us knew what ejaculation meant.
“Oh, Lydia, give the kids a break,” Delores said. “I wish I could have asked my mother questions back then. I’d never have married Ray if I’d known the first thing about doing it.”
Maurey looked Lydia in the eye—made me nervous. Neither one of those two were women to be trifled with and I could feel their little bitch-alarm systems kicking into high wail. “Sam told me that you two have great communication and trust because you don’t treat him like a kid and he doesn’t treat you like a mom.”
Lydia stared her right back. “He doesn’t stand a chance, does he?”
“Not that I can see.”
No one said much, so I shuffled. Then Lydia smiled real big. “I imagine at his age fucking you is worth what he’s bound to lose later.”
“I like to think so,” Maurey said.
I had no idea in hell what had just happened, but whatever it was was over. Something had been decided and Lydia and Maurey both seemed happy with the results.
Delores pointed the codeine bottle at Maurey. “Were you well lubricated?”
“Lubricated?”
“Wet,” Lydia said. “Did you get excited and was it nice and wet down there?”
Maurey thought awhile, but I didn’t need to. “She was dry as the blanket. Should we have used water?”
Delores snorted. “Water don’t make it. The wet comes from within the woman.”
“Is that what put out means?”
“More like ooze out.”
“Where does it come from?”
Delores looked at Lydia who gave her an eyebrow shrug. I was to learn quickly that even people who have regular sex don’t usually know what’s going on. Lydia spoke. “When the girl gets excited, this dampness just shows up, then the guy can go in.”
Delores said, “Dampness, my ass. When I’m ready you could wring me out like a washrag.”
“Don’t be crude,” Lydia said. “We’re teaching the children a beautiful and precious act and it shouldn’t be connected to crude ideas.”
“My ass,” Delores snorted.
“How does the woman get excited?” Maurey asked.
Delores leaned back so her skirt rode up again. “I just think about doing it and I start leaking.”
“But I’ve never done it before so I don’t know what to think about.”
“I use gin,” Lydia said.
Delores considered. “I’ll use Vaseline if that’s what it takes.”
Concepts were flying across the room too fast for me to hold on. “You pour gin up the tunnel?”
“God, no, you drink the gin and get drunk and horny and men think they’re taking advantage of you.” Lydia lit another Montclair off the butt of the first one. She leaned over and dropped the used butt into the sink. I hated it when she did that.
“The Vaseline goes up there.” Delores pointed to what I thought was roughly her navel area.
Lydia finished her Dr Pepper and tossed the empty bottle at the trash can by the back door. It rimmed once and bounced in. “Foreplay is the only romantic way to excite a woman.”
“Kissing,” I said. “I told her we had to kiss because they always do in the books but Maurey said it could be done without romance.”
“It can be done without romance, only it’s not that much fun.”
Delores said, “I can have a ball with somebody I can’t stand.”
Lydia looked at Maurey’s chest. “You haven’t hit puberty yet?”
She shook her head. “Both Smith twins have and they’re treating me like a child.”
I thought puberty was when you could do it and before puberty was when you couldn’t, so none of this made any sense.
“I guess it’s safe then.” Lydia stood up. “If you’re going to play this game, you might as well play it right. Scoot your chair back.”
Maurey looked concerned. “Do I have to undress?”
“That’d be too much even for me. I am his mother, after all.”
“Sometimes I forget,” I said.
Lydia gave me a gruesome look, then she walked to the food cabinet and opened a package of premade taco shells that’d been up there since we moved in. She held it so the slot ran up and down. “Looked like this, right?” she asked me.
“Hairier.”
Delores hiccuped. “I can’t wait to write this conversation in my diary.”
Lydia went over and put the taco shell vertically between Maurey’s legs. “Look at this, Sam. Pay attention.”
“Yes, ma’am.”
