Antiphon

“You did good. Your Sway is getting stronger,” he says.

I’m still shivering and my teeth chatter. “Why can I only remember a little of what happened?”

“You may only remember the parts when you were in control.”

“I feel like someone ran over me with a bus. Why didn’t it feel like this with you?”

“Well, I didn’t pick you up and throw you into the wall, for starters,” Luc says. He and Gabe exchange a look, and Luc shoots him a vindictive smile. “But I guess it’s different when you’ve invited the demon in.”

Matt drops into the desk chair and glares at Luc.

Gabe looks at me with a rueful smile. I shrug, not sure what to say, but then a shiver racks me again and I feel nauseous. Out of the blue the tears start, and I’m helpless to stop them. “I’m not going to have a life, am I?” I say between the sobs.

Luc pulls me tightly to him, but he doesn’t answer.

Gabe stands in my door and just stares at me. “Nobody knows the future, Frannie. Everything that happens changes everything else. But the deal is, you’re valuable to both sides. The chance that you’ll be able to get through this untagged is pretty much none. And once you’re tagged-either way-you can be manipulated. I’m obviously not all that objective, but if someone was going to be jerking me around, I’d rather it wasn’t Hell.”

My heart is so heavy. I know what needs to happen, what I need to do, but. “How do I forgive myself for the worst thing I’ve ever done? The worst thing anyone’s ever done?”

“Start by remembering what really happened.” Matt glides to the foot of the bed and sits. Luc untangles himself from me and moves to the door with Gabe, giving Matt and me some space. “I fell because I was trying to climb too fast. It was my fault.”

My throat tightens as I remember it. “No. I grabbed your ankle. I was mad, and I pulled you out of the tree.”

“Stop it. You’ve been beating yourself up for so long. It wasn’t your fault. You need to let it go.” He wraps me in his arms, and I sit like that for what feels like forever.

“I just wanted you back,” I finally say.

He smiles. “You have me.”

My heart feels so heavy. “Not really. You’re still dead.”

“You’re right. I don’t have the life I would have had if?I hadn’t fallen out of the tree, but that doesn’t make why I’m here any less important to me. And it doesn’t make my dying any more your fault.”

He looks at me for a long time, and I don’t know what to say. Finally he says, “Gabriel says you need to forgive yourself, or we can’t protect you.” A smile turns the corners of his lips. “You gotta do it, Frannie. I can’t blow my first gig because of an uncooperative client. It wouldn’t bode well for the rest of eternity.”

“I can’t-”

His smile is gone as he cuts me off. “He says you have to figure out why you can’t let go of the guilt.”

“Because. ” I fight tears as I pull his journal from under the mattress. I think of all my conversations with Matt in this book. All the things I told him so that he could have a little piece of me-my life. How I needed to keep him alive in my heart. “I needed it to keep from forgetting. I needed to hate myself ’cause the pain kept it fresh. It kept part of you alive.”

All of a sudden I’m sure I’m going to throw up. There’s something inside of me that my body needs to get rid of. “How do I do this? Let it go?”

“It’s okay to feel sad about it, but you have to let go of the guilt. It has to come from inside. You need to remember what really happened.”

I rest my forehead on my knees and close my eyes, waiting for the nausea to stop, but it only gets stronger as I relive the scene in my head. Matt climbing, his foot slipping. I screw my eyes tighter and groan as he falls. In my mind, I see my hand grab for him, but all I catch is his sneaker, and it comes off in my hand. I hear my scream as he hits the ground.

My eyes snap open, and I roll and dry heave over the trash can. Matt’s arms are around me, and he pulls me to his shoulder, where I sit and shake.

Finally, I lift my head and look at him, tears streaking my cheeks. “Why’d you have to fall?”

He shrugs.

I’m not surprised by how mad I feel, but I am surprised when I realize I’m mad at him. I push away. “You should have slowed down-been more careful.”

He nods. “But there was nothing you could do. It was an accident.”

I drop my face into my hands and breathe back the anger. When my shaking slows, I pick the journal up off the bed and press it to my forehead, then hold it out to him. “I did this for you. or more for me, I guess. All along, you’ve been the only person I could really talk to.”

He takes it from my hand and smiles. “I’ve been talking back. Did you hear me? Told you to stay away from him,” he says, glancing toward Luc.

My heart sinks. “Why do you hate Luc so much?”

“Why? You’re kidding, right? He almost got you killed, Frannie. He’s one of them.”

“He’s one of me,” I correct, my voice raised.

Luc and Gabe stop whispering and look at us. Luc steps forward, concern on his face. “He’s entitled to his opinion, and he’s got good reason to think the way he does. I did almost get you killed. more than once.”

“No. That would be me that almost got you killed,” I remind him.

Matt looks at Luc, his expression still sour. “I hate the thought of you anywhere near her, and if you hurt her- in any way-I’ll kill you myself.”

Luc nods, holding Matt’s eyes with his. “Duly noted.”

Luc turns and looks hard at Gabe, and I know he’s thinking the same thing as I am. Gabe said Matt was the best angel for this job, but I’m starting to wonder.

Matt softens his posture and leans his forehead into mine. His voice is low, meant just for me. “Frannie, I’m having a really hard time with this. Are you sure? About Luc, I mean? I just can’t make myself trust a demon, no matter what Gabriel says.”

“I’m sure, Matt. He loves me. Can’t you just read his mind? Then you’d see.”

“Sorry, I’m not high enough up the food chain for that particular skill. Dominions or higher.”

“Please, just give him a chance.”

His eyes harden again as he glances toward Luc, but then he pulls me into a hug, and I hear the smile in his voice. “You’re not gonna pull that Sway crap on me, are you?”

I smile into his shoulder. “That depends entirely on you.”

Luc

I watch Frannie with Matt as I stand in the door with Gabriel, and I know this is it. Talk to me outside, I think, and he nods and slips through the door with me into the hall.

“She’s ready,” I say.

“Yep.”

“Tell me you’ll take care of her. The look in Michael’s eyes. ” I shudder.

Gabriel leans into the wall. “We’ve got her backside, which is pretty nice.” He quirks a smile.

“Can you be serious for like two minutes?”

He scowls at me. “Fine. Stop stressing. The Almighty knows she’s special. And remember, Moses’s life didn’t suck. She’ll be fine. She’s not going anywhere.”

“But she’s not staying with me either. I just need to know she’ll be okay before I let her go.”

His eyes hold mine, and his jaw clenches as he contemplates that. “I’m not going to pretend that nothing’s going to change, but what happens from here is up to Frannie. You’re not a demon anymore. You’re human, with a clean soul and a completely clean slate. If Frannie still wants you,” he almost seems to choke on the words, “then there’s no reason you can’t be together.”

And that’s the key: if she still wants me. She’ll belong to Heaven. To Gabriel. Will she still want me after? Her life will outgrow me-the tagalong, used-to-be demon. It won’t be long before she