“No, no number house, no money, no money clinic.”
“No number house?” I repeated. “Oh… no address?”
“Si.”
“No Medicaid, no welfare because no address, right?”
“Si.” Sanchez frowned.
Sanchez had as much chance of solving this dilemma as he did getting accepted at the Crawford Country Club. This was the exact type of bureaucratic bullshit that made me want to jump out of my skin. I mean, I think welfare probably hurts as many people as it helps, but if there was ever a guy who needed some help from the government, it was Sanchez. Of course, I wasn’t even sure he was a citizen, but guys like Sanchez were the only guys who would pick apples and we all love to eat those apples, at least in our McDonald’s apple pies, don’t we? Most people, or at least most people who call in to talk radio shows, don’t get that point-oh well, they didn’t get much of anything.
I thought for a second and had an idea. My ideas often got me in trouble, but I figured that was probably the case with most Robin Hood-type geniuses. I also figured that my chances of getting caught were low. That figuring was probably wrong, but what the hell. I scribbled on a sticky note and handed it to Sanchez.
“Give them this and tell them to call this man,” I said. I gave him my address with the letter B after the street number, like it was an apartment building-as if an Airstream trailer could have a couple of floors or something. Sanchez smiled.
“Gracias, Senor Duff. You da man, si!” Sanchez said.
He left happy and I called Dr. Rudy.
“Rudy here,” he answered his office phone.
“Hey pal.”
“Whatya want.”
“Geez, what kind of mood are you in?”
“I’m fuckin’ busy and the only time you call me, you need me to stick my neck out.”
“That hurts.”
“So what is it?”
“I got a migrant farm worker who needs an address. I told him to tell DSS that he’s renting an apartment from you.”
“You what?”
“C’mon, all you have to do is tell them that he rents from you when they call.”
“Welfare fraud is what it’s called.”
“You do have a way with words.”
“Fuck you.”
He hung up, which I knew he would do. That was fine because I saw it as the price I had to pay for his favors. There was no doubt Rudy would come through. He always does. I’d take shit for it and maybe for a long time, but that was the surcharge I paid for his kindness.
I started to head for the coffee machine when I noticed the TV was on in the break room and all the staff were gathered around it. There was an MSNBC special report on and it was midmorning.
I walked up behind Monique.
“What the hell is going on?” I said.
“There’s another one. All they’re saying is that a high-school girl was murdered and sexually mutilated.”
“What is ‘sexually mutilated’?”
“I can only imagine,” she said.
“They think it’s Howard?”
“That’s what they’re saying.”
What was supposed to be an easy half-day was turning into a nightmare. All I had wanted to do was get some paperwork done, see Sanchez, and then get out and focus on my fight. Now there was going to be a thing, I could sense it. Claudia loved making a thing of things, and if it gave her an opportunity to be officious and pompous, then she would milk it for all it was worth.
Turns out that she demanded that none of us leave until she gave the okay, and she reminded us over and over not to speak to the press. Then, she called in the board for a special meeting. The board at Jewish Unified Services was the biggest bunch of phony goofs you ever wanted to see. A while back, one of them actually shot me after I exposed his Internet porn industry. He was the same guy who shot Al, who happened to come to my rescue and save my life. Well, that board member won’t be attending any meetings soon because he drew a twenty-five- to-life sentence and actually was doing time at Green Haven, which had me wondering if he and Howard ever crossed paths.
He owned car dealerships and I’m convinced he joined the board to network business opportunities out of the other board members, who, by my estimation, were there for the exact same reasons. There were financial guys and lawyers hoping to find new businesses, there were doctors’ wives, and there were a few others who I am sure were angling for something. There was one exception.
The one exception was the chairman of the board and my unofficial Jewish grandfather, Hymie Zuckerman. Hymie started the agency to help people and he remained committed to that mission. With a chain of Crawford’s most successful dry cleaners, Hymie had made a fortune by working his ass off and he wanted to help some of the people who weren’t as lucky as he was. I never got the impression that Hymie felt that because he worked his ass off he deserved any more than anyone else. It was like he saw his work ethic as something he was lucky to have, like it was a tool that he had that others didn’t.
He didn’t have much use for Claudia, but he knew the agency needed to follow regulations and so he viewed her as a necessary evil. He gave her the respect her title warranted but he never, ever warmed up to her. He did, however, treat me like I was his adopted grandson.
I heard some noise in the lobby and I knew it was him. Hymie’s entrances were never quiet.
“Where is he?” he announced, coming in with his thick old-world Jew accent. “Where’s that Harp-Polack pug of mine? Where is he?”
I stood to greet him, and he reached up and pinched me on the cheek and shook my face until it felt like I was getting a blood blister. He was about five foot two and mostly bald with brown liver spots over his scalp. He had black glasses, polyester pants, white shoes, and a matching white belt. He was over eighty and his eyes were a little cloudy, but they shined when he smiled.
“Big shot, fighting in the Garden like Barney Ross,” he said. He was a big fight fan from the days when Jews like Barney Ross dominated the sport.
“That’s right, but no one’s mistaking me for Barney, I’m afraid.”
“What’s this, son? Have confidence-it’s your time!”
“I’ll do my best,” I said when Claudia appeared.
She greeted Hymie and ushered him into the boardroom to have her high-level, ultra-important meeting. I rolled my desk chair to talk with Monique.
“This sucks, having to hang around so the Michelin Woman can do her grandstanding,” I said.
“Karen and I are supposed to have dinner with another couple,” Monique said. “I just wish she’d give us an idea about when we could leave,” she said.
“You have any guesses on why Howard has picked me to be his confidant?” I asked.
She thought for a second, gazing down at the carpet with the darkest brown eyes I’d ever seen.
“Yeah, I think I do,” she looked right at me. “There’s something about you, Duff. When you’re for someone, you exude a sort of unconditional positive regard.”
“What?”
“I’m serious. You’ll joke it off, but you connect with people and when they’re the hopeless type, you do it very strongly.”
“Isn’t it just the handsome good looks and my strikingly handsome lanternlike jaw?”
“I knew you wouldn’t take the compliment,” she said, and she rolled back up to her desk. She wasn’t pissed or doing anything for drama. If she identified that you were about to communicate in a disingenuous way, she moved on. That was Monique.
The afternoon snailed on and I was starting to get pissed because I had to keep calling Smitty to push back
