kept coming. “And because there were more of them than me, and they were bigger and stronger than I was, that’s exactly what they did. They had to beat the shit out of me to do it, but they did it, just the same. And when they were done, they stood around and actually had a discussion about how it might be best to kill me, just in case I decided to kick up a fuss. It was like to them I wasn’t even human any more.”
I stopped and realised that my chest was so tight it was making me breathless. I made a conscious effort to relax, to speak normally. “Fucking is something you do
I let go and this time it was my turn to stamp off, not really caring if he followed or not. After half a dozen strides he caught me up. I could feel him wanting to speak but I wouldn’t look at him, wouldn’t give him an opening.
The litany of names went round and round inside my head in time to the fall of my feet in the sand. The names of the men who’d raped me, who’d finished my army career. The names of the men who’d set me on the path that eventually had led me here.
After another few minutes of silent walking I stopped abruptly. “This will do,” I said, indicating a relatively sheltered spot in the soft sand at the top of the beach. “Make yourself at home.”
I lay down with my back studiously towards him, resting my head on the ridiculous bag containing the bony shape of the SIG. Because of the rumbling hiss of the surf I nearly missed Trey’s quietly spoken words behind me.
“I’m – I’m real sorry, Charlie.”
In the whole of this sorry mess it was the first time he’d apologised or shown any remorse, the first time he’d made any sign of dropping the act and reaching out to me. Too bad that I couldn’t bring myself to meet him halfway.
“You weren’t to know,” I said shortly, not turning round. “Now get some sleep. We’re going to need it.”
Despite my words, sleep didn’t come easy for me. I lay awake, staring into the semi-darkness. I could tell by his breathing rate that Trey was awake, too but we didn’t speak. It seemed to take a long time before he began to snore.
What on earth had possessed me to come out with all those shameful details? Trey was a comparative stranger. I hardly knew him and certainly didn’t like him and yet I’d told him things I hadn’t even shared with my real friends, people I’d known for five years or more. The realisation of what I’d done sent a shiver across my skin in spite of the warm sand I was lying moulded into.
I hadn’t even told Sean the truth, not right away. At first I thought he’d been a part of the whitewash the army arranged to cover what those four men had done, including the ludicrous events of their court martial. What should have been an open-and-shut case degenerated into a farce that had ruined my reputation along with everything else.
It had been years until I’d found out that they’d manipulated Sean as much as they had done me. But once the Powers That Be had accidentally learned of our illicit relationship they’d subtly forced him out of his own career by a war of attrition. The worst thing was that, until we’d met again after five years and discovered what had really happened, he hadn’t really known what he was supposed to have done wrong.
And now I’d blurted it all out to a fifteen-year-old boy who undoubtedly didn’t have enough sense to keep his mouth shut.
If ever he found himself the aggressor in that kind of situation and it made him pause, just for a moment, then it was worth it.
Maybe I was starting to lose it. After all we’d gone through, maybe this desire to open up to unsuitable people was one of the first signs. The thought was terrifying. I shut my eyes and willed sleep onto my unquiet mind.
***
Surprisingly perhaps, the nightmares I’d been half expecting didn’t come. I slept sound and quiet and didn’t wake until after sunrise the next morning.
And as soon as I did, I knew there was something wrong.
My body woke from the inside out, individual senses coming on line first and hitting the mental alarm buttons. I couldn’t quite put my finger on how it happened, but somehow I was alert to the danger before I ever opened my eyes and found out exactly what it was.
The brightness outside my closed eyelids told me the sun was well on the way up. The slightly receded lull of the surf told me the tide was on the way out. The mingled odours of sour sweat and last night’s joints reaching my nostrils told me we weren’t alone any more. It rippled over the top of the fresh morning smell of the salt water, tainting it.
From somewhere above me I heard the snigger of young male voices.
Eventually, tiring of waiting for us to wake of our own volition, a foot nudged me in the stomach. None too gently. I opened my eyes and saw a sideways picture made up of pairs of tanned legs and baggy jeans. Someone leaned down into my field of vision and smiled nastily.
“Hi, remember me?” he said. It was the skinny kid with the bandana round his head who’d unsuccessfully tried to rob us that first night on the beach. The one whose knife I’d taken away from him and which I’d left, now I belatedly remembered about it, in the backpack I’d abandoned at Henry’s house. Too bad if he’d come to ask for it back.
I’d never even considered that the skinny kid might have gathered reinforcements and be lying in wait for us on the beach. His halfhearted attack had seemed so insignificant compared to the other dangers we’d had to face. Well, not any more.
I sat up fast enough to make him take an instinctive step back. No doubt his reflexes would be sharper this time, in view of the pain and humiliation I’d inflicted on him before. Mind you, he’d partially negated the need for extra vigilance by bringing half a dozen of his mates with him as back-up. Of the fat boy who’d served as sidekick during his last jaunt, there was no sign.
Trey was already awake, I saw, sitting up with his arms wrapped round his shins like he had in Henry’s bath. He looked scared and defensive, as though he was expecting this to hurt. He threw me a single reproachful glance, as though I should have seen this coming and somehow deflected it.
“What do you want?” I said, shading my eyes with my hand so I could look up at the skinny kid against the low sun.
He gave a short, disbelieving laugh. “She wants to know what I want, huh?” He looked round at the others who joined in dutifully with his amusement. Then he looked back at me and the smile blinked out. “You know exactly what I want,” he said, quiet and deadly. He was doing a pretty good impression of total meanness until the flicker of his eyes telegraphed his intentions.
He swung a vicious kick at my body. I caught his foot before it connected and twisted it sideways. It could have wrenched his knee or ankle out if he hadn’t allowed himself to roll with it. He landed hard, sending up a plume of dry sand that was instantly scattered by the breeze.
I bounced to my feet while I had the chance, Trey scrambling up, also. The bag with the flowers on it was in my hand, keeping the SIG only inches from use, but I couldn’t bring myself to get it out, even then.
They were just kids. Offensive and repugnant kids, maybe, but kids nonetheless. Perhaps if I drew the line somewhere I could come back to myself. Perhaps there might still be hope for me.
The skinny kid was back on his feet in a flash, his momentary lapse firing his anger. I turned so Trey was directly at my back and watched the eyes and hands in front of me for the first move.
“Can I ask what the hell you boys think you’re doing?” said a sudden familiar voice from a little way off to one side.
We all spun to face it. Walt stood a couple of metres away, staring at the bunch of us from under the brim of
