Tony was quiet, his eyes closed. For ten minutes, he said nothing.
I cherished his silence. In the past, he’d avoided this conversation. I was touched by how much consideration he was giving it now. I knew his stillness meant he was really thinking about what I’d said.
Until he started to snore and I realized he’d fallen asleep. Probably nine minutes ago.
Gently, I cupped his face between my hands.
Why did loving me have to cause this good man so much torment? I wished there was something I could do to take away his pain. To make this all easier for him.
I realized my thoughts walking Rafi to the park earlier today were wrong.
It wasn’t children that brought out our protectiveness.
It was love.
On his other visits with Rafi, Tony was always careful to return to my room before he fell asleep, so that his son wouldn’t see us in bed together.
I considered waking Tony so he could make his usual retreat but decided against it.
If Rafi saw us together, maybe it would save a lot of discussion. And we could all move on.
Unfortunately, one of us was about to move on a lot sooner than I’d hoped for.
I squinted at the digital clock across the room as if by squeezing my eyes together the numbers would make more sense. 3:15? In the morning?
So why was Tony getting dressed?
“Is the apartment on fire?” I croaked.
“Sorry, babe.” He sat on the sofabed and kissed my forehead. Now that he was closer to me in the darkness, I could see he was dressed for work. “We have another floater. I gotta go.”
There were downsides to being in love with a cop. “S’okay,” I said, already drifting back off to dreamland.
“Listen,” he said, apparently unfazed by my looming unconsciousness. “Rafi’s only been here a couple of times now. If he wakes up there alone, he’s going to be scared. Do you think you could go lie with him in your room?”
“I don’t know if I’d get any sleep. Is it like being in bed with you?”
Tony looked mildly scandalized.
“I mean, does he also hog all the blankets, dummy?” I hit him with a pillow.
Tony grinned, his hair mussed by my attack, making him look extra scrumptious. “I’m afraid it’s in the Rinaldi genes. Sheet-stealing, chocolate-loving, heartbreaking scoundrels, we are.”
I reached out my hand and Tony helped pull me to standing. Then, before I knew it, he swept me into his arms and carried me into my bedroom. He laid me gently next to Rafi. Sure enough, the kid was cocooned in every blanket on the bed. Tony saw me notice and shrugged.
“I’ll get you one,” Tony whispered, reaching out to unravel his son.
“Just grab one from the sofabed,” I whispered back.
“Good idea. And, listen, I hate to take advantage of you, babe, but if I get hung up, can you bring him to school in the morning?”
I didn’t know if I should be touched that Tony trusted me with all this parental responsibility, or pissed that I was only entrusted with it when it was convenient for him. “Sure,” I said, slurring slightly with sleepiness.
Tony kissed me again. “I’ll get the blanket.”
I was dead to the world before he returned with it.
27
I crashed quickly but it was a restless, shallow slumber. Two hours after Tony left, I didn’t so much wake as admit defeat. Too wired to go back to sleep, but too tired to bother with the lights, I stumbled from bedroom to bathroom, peed for what felt like three hours, and made my way into the kitchen.
Daylight was just starting to muscle its way through my blinds. Speaking of muscle, when was the last time I’d gone to the gym? True, I no longer depended on a tight body to make a living, but that didn’t mean I was willing to let myself go all Kirstie Alley, either. Bleary as I was, I knew a good workout would make me feel better.
I chugged a glass of milk and rinsed out the glass. Invigorated by the prospect of getting my exercise done for the day, I headed to the bedroom to throw on some sweatpants and a T-shirt. My gym was just down the block, so I wouldn’t even bother with a jacket. If it was cold, I could walk faster.
I flicked on the light. The gym was one place where I paid no attention to fashion. If my clothes fit and were clean, they’d be good enough for me. I was putting on my tee when I heard a cat mewling from my fire escape. It wouldn’t be the first time a stray had found its way up there, only to complain to find itself so unexpectedly far from the ground.
This one was loud, though. He sounded like he was right inside the apartment.
Now that I was paying attention, I realized he was also speaking English.
“Daddy?”
I was pretty sure that ruled out a cat. Or a bird. Or even a parrot.
That was definitely a human being.
Holy shit.
Rafi.
I had totally forgotten Rafi.
Oh. My. God.
Tony wasn’t back, and I was about to leave a five-year-old in the apartment alone.
Worst. Parental. Substitute. Ever.
I briefly wondered if I should just strangle myself with my T-shirt right now. It was already conveniently placed around my neck.
“Da-” Rafi began again, his voice rising higher. A slight note of hysteria was creeping into his tone.
Okay, Kevin, stop thinking about yourself. This kid needs you.
“Hey, buddy,” I said, moving to sit next to him on the bed. I tousled his hair in the same way Tony did mine.
“Hi, Kebbin!” he said with relief, remembering where he was. “I didn’t see my daddy.” He didn’t have to add how that made him feel.
“He had to go out and help some people who needed him,” I said. Rafi’s known his daddy as “one of the good guys” his whole life. “But he made sure I was here to keep you company.” I lay next to him.
“It’s a good thing he did,” I added, in a whispery, just-between-us confession. “He knows I get scared being by myself.”
Rafi giggled. I looked at the clock. It was just a little after five. Rafi should have slept at least till seven. My guess was he’d have fallen right back into dreamland had Tony been in bed with him. But finding himself alone, Rafi cried out.
“You want to play a game?” I asked. I patted my chest and Rafi settled against me. I put my arm around him.
“I love games,” Rafi said, his voice conveying exhaustion and excitement in equal amounts.
“I bet…” I said, pausing dramatically as if about to offer a truly thrilling proposal, “I can stay quiet longer than you can. Deal?”
“Deal,” Rafi said, thinking himself very grown-up.
“Okay,” I said. “You count it down. From three to one. After that, the next one who makes a sound loses.”
“Bet I can be quiet longest,” Rafi boasted, yawning halfway through.
“We’ll see. Okay, start the clock, Rafsters.”
