To her: “It’s no one. Don’t worry about it.”
To me: “Get your foot out from my door, you little fairy.”
Lovely.
“I just want to talk,” I said.
“I know what you want, ” he spat. “I know what you are. It’s because of people like you that my son is dead.”
“Right,” I said, all at once filled with an anger that surprised me, “because I threw my vulnerable teenaged son out of his home to fend for himself because I was such an ignorant, hateful bigot. Oh, wait, that wasn’t me.”
It hadn’t been my plan for things to get this ugly this quickly. Another one of my schemes gone wrong.
“It can’t be ‘no one’ if you’re still talking to him,” the woman’s voice called. “Who is it?”
“I said don’t worry about it, Claudia. Mind your business.”
“Her son isn’t her business?” I asked.
“She doesn’t have a son anymore,” he barked. Spittle flew from his mouth in an ugly spray.
I had to hand it to Mr. Dawson-he’d made the transformation from sleepy old dog to rabid pitbull in record time.
“Thanks to you,” I prodded.
“Either get the fuck away from this door,” Mr. Dawson hissed, making a fist, “or-”
He was interrupted by his wife, who squeezed in beside him. It was closer to dinnertime than breakfast, but she wore a fluffy pink robe with matching slippers. Her hair was pulled into a sloppy, slightly greasy bun, from which stray locks had limply escaped. She wore no makeup. Good bone structure and the same luminous quality to her skin that I’d observed on Brent couldn’t hide the bags under her eyes or the deep furrows between her brows.
“Claudia,” Mr. Dawson growled. He stepped forward, trying to keep himself between her and me. But she’d already gotten a look at me. With surprising confidence, she pushed him aside and stood before me.
It was her turn. The confused moment of impossible recognition, followed by the reaction that revealed the person’s true feelings toward Brent.
What showed on her face was both familiar and unexpected. It hit me like a slap of sunshine.
A flush of hearts.
A mother’s love.
Her hand reached out to me instinctively and then pulled back to cover her mouth. She made a tiny, muffled squeak upon realizing her mistake. Her eyes filled with tears.
“I told you, you didn’t need to see this.” Mr. Dawson grabbed his wife’s arm.
Again, she surprised me with the strength with which she moved. She pulled from his grip as if he weren’t there, stepping forward and cradling my face in her hands. Her eyes met mine with an intensity and tenderness that I knew weren’t meant for me. “Who are you?” she asked in a husky whisper.
“I’m a friend of Richie’s,” I said. “I just want to talk.”
“A faggot friend,” Mr. Dawson muttered.
“My god,” Mrs. Dawson exclaimed, turning to face her husband with fire in her eyes. “Will it ever end? You’ve already taken my son from me once.” She gulped back a sob. “Twice.
“I let it happen,” she said, sounding furious and sad at the same time. “Now, it’s too late. But if this young man knew our boy, if he can tell me about our son, I want to hear what he came here to say.”
She took my hand in hers. “Don’t you?” she asked her husband. “After everything that’s happened, if there’s anything of a father left in you, anything of a man, don’t you? ”
Apparently, the bitter shell of Harry Dawson contained neither father nor man. After giving his wife a disgusted grunt he grabbed his keys off a hook by the door and “accidentally” bumped into me on his way to his car. Real mature, asshole.
He got into his automobile and slammed the door shut for emphasis, just in case we hadn’t figured out he was pissed. He peeled out recklessly, swinging in a too-wide arc out of the driveway, leaving new tracks in what was once a nice lawn.
“I’d apologize for him,” Mrs. Dawson said to me, “but I don’t think I’ll be doing that anymore.”
She stood up a little straighter and ran her hands down her robe. “I’m a mess. So’s the house. Now, for that, I’m sorry. I usually believe in keeping a neat home.”
“Don’t be sorry,” I said. “It’s must have been a difficult week for you.”
“It’s been a difficult twenty-five years,” she said, regarding the damage left in the grass by her husband’s hasty departure.
“Maybe it’s about to get better,” I offered.
She was still looking at the damage to her yard. “Everything grows back,” she said, wistfully. Then, remembering what had brought me there, she added, “Except for the things that don’t.
“Some things are gone forever.”
Mrs. Dawson ushered me into her home. She was right. It was a mess. Dirty dishes everywhere, jackets and shoes carelessly left wherever they’d been taken off, and it smelled: a bitter, rank smell like sweat and old age. Sorrow lived here, sorrow and regret.
All the shades were drawn, and the living room where we sat was dark and depressing. The furniture had been ugly to begin with, and age hadn’t done it much good. Thin layers of dust coated everything. Nothing seemed less than twenty years old, except for an incongruously large flat-screen TV that dominated one of the walls. Across from it was the “man chair,” Mr. Dawson’s hideously oversized brown canvas recliner, which had drink holders built into the armrests. It was hard not to imagine him sitting there self-importantly, watching the Big Game, yelling at his wife to bring him another beer.
I sat on an uncomfortable couch while Mrs. Dawson settled into a club chair to my left.
“Thank you for coming,” she began. “You’re the only one who did. I know Brent had a life after he left here, but I don’t know much about it. Can you tell me…” She took a deep breath. Her hands fluttered in the air, looking for a place to land. They settled on her knees, where they clenched and released, clenched and released, like she was kneading.
She was needing. Needing a connection with a son who, through malice or weakness or a combination of both, she’d abandoned when he was at his most vulnerable.
I’d brought the card Lucas had given me from Brent-well, here it was probably better to think of him as Richie-to wound his parents. To pierce their hearts with guilt. Seeing her now, here, I realized she’d hurt herself more than I ever could. In fact, I thought that seeing her son’s final words to her might actually bring her some peace.
“He wanted you to have this,” I said. “I think he was going to send it himself but never got the chance to.” A fib. The first of many, I suspected. There was no way I could tell her the truth about how I’d met her son, or how he made his living. I handed her the note he’d written, telling his parents that no matter what happened, he forgave and loved them.
“You’d think,” Mrs. Dawson said, her gaze still directed down at the two-sentence note she’d spent several minutes reading and rereading, “that eventually you’d run out of tears.”
She looked up at me, the water running freely from her eyes. “But you don’t. It seems like a well that never runs dry.” She took a used tissue off a table next to her and blew her nose as discreetly as she could.
“I suppose that’s a good thing, too. Because I should cry. I deserve to cry. Every day. For my son. For what I allowed to happen to him.”
“You loved him very much.”
“Yes.” This brought on another wave of sobs.
“Then… why?” The obvious question.
“Oh, why? That’s the one I ask myself every day. I was raised very traditionally. Conservatively. There was right and there was wrong. Sin and godliness. A man’s role was to lead the family and a woman’s role was to serve. Blah, blah, blah. I could tell you that I married my husband too young, that I was afraid of him. That he… hit me. It would all be true.
“He told me Richie would come back. That we had to be strong and wait out the devil. That the only way to save him was to… banish him. To hurt him a little now to save his soul for eternity.
“Every cell in my body knew it was wrong. But I was weak. Weak and afraid. Everything else is just an
