I found Blackbird upstairs sat on our bed. I glanced towards the darkened side-room where the door was ajar so that she could keep an ear out for our son. All was quiet, which I took as a good sign.
'Garvin said you were looking for me?' I said.
'Did he?' Her answer was curt. She'd been in a funny mood earlier and my absence didn't seem to have improved it.
I tried again. 'Did you want me for something?'
'How was your trip? Did you find what you were looking for?' The question was lightly framed, and felt as if it should hold some hidden meaning, but I couldn't fathom it.
'No. I messed it up, well sort of. We were intercepted by some hoodies who wanted to mug us. Amber dealt with them.'
'More to add to the body count?' she said stiffly.
'She scared them off, actually. She's not as bad as you make out.'
'One Warder is much like another, I find.'
That was a little pointed. 'Does that include me?'
'I don't know, does it?' She was folding and unfolding a nappy on her lap, as if she couldn't get it right but couldn't stop until it was.
'Have I done something wrong?' I asked.
'How would I know? I haven't seen you all day,' she said.
'Garvin said you wanted to have another session with me,' I suggested.
'Have you done any of the exercises I set you last time?'
'I did try when I was waiting for Katherine, but I haven't had much chance to practice.'
'That would be a no, then. Too busy galavanting around the country chasing hoodies, ex-wives and wayward daughters, I expect,' she said.
This wasn't the time to ask if Alex was back. 'No, it's just that I've been busy.'
'Well,' she tossed the nappy to one side, letting it fall haphazardly across the bed, 'there's not much point in teaching you things if you're not going to practice, is there?'
'It's not that I don't want to,' I said. 'There are only so many hours in the day, you know?'
'I'm well aware of how many hours there are in a day.'
'I'll try and find some time to practice later, maybe you could help me?' I suggested.
'Of course. I'd love to sit there and watch while you concentrate on creating stillness. I can't wait, thought the excitement may be too much for me.'
'OK, then. I'll do it alone.'
'Like you do everything else?' she said.
'What's that supposed to mean?'
'I'm simply remarking that your approach may not be as inclusive as it could be.'
'Is this because I went out with Amber? You're not jealous, surely?'
'Why would I be jealous? What is there to be jealous of?' She brushed imaginary specks from her skirt.
'Nothing. If you think there's something between Amber and me you've got entirely the wrong end of the stick.'
'I never said anything about Amber. It was you that mentioned her,' she pointed out.
'Well, there isn't anything, OK?' I was feeling like I'd done something wrong, though I didn't know what.
'Whatever you say,' she said.
'What do I have to do to prove that there isn't anything?'
'Well you could stop protesting about it. Drawing attention to it only makes it seem worse than it is.'
'There isn't anything to draw attention to,' I said.
'So you say.'
'Is something the matter?' I tried to keep my enquiry neutral.
'With me? Why should any thing be the matter?' she asked.
'I'm not sure. You're acting strange, that's all.'
'I'm acting strange? I expect it's probably my hormones.'
'That might explain it.'
She stood up, genuinely angry. 'How dare you! What gives you the right to blame your conduct on my body? You know nothing about it. What makes you think you're so damned perfect?'
'Keep your voice down, you'll wake the baby. I only meant…'
'Meant what? That I'm not in command of my feelings because there are chemicals in my bloodstream? That I can't be expected to control myself because I'm female? Who do you think you are?'
'I wasn't meaning that. You're the one who keeps going on about how being pregnant changed everything. How do you expect me to know how it feels?'
'You can't possibly know how it feels. You swan off here and there, doing what you like when you like, you never offer to change him or look after him while I go out.'
'Where do you want to go?'
'None of your damned business! I've been going to places and doing what I wanted to do since before you were born. Why should I have to tell you where I'm going?'
'You only had to ask,' I protested.
'Ask? Why do I have to ask? Do I need your permission now? Is that what you think, that I'm sitting here like your bloody secretary, waiting for you to give me permission to leave?'
'No, I just meant that if you let me know you wanted to go out, I would come and look after him for a while.'
'When you're not treating me like a secretary, you treat me like some kind of babysitter,' she said.
'Oh no, that isn't true.'
'Isn't it? You leave me here day in and day out. I never see the light of day.'
'No, hang on a minute. You were the one who wanted a child. You were the one who suddenly got interested in me when you found out I was fertile.'
She shook her head. 'That's not true.'
'Isn't it? When you found me that day on the Underground, you were all ready to abandon me to the Untainted, and then you found out I had a daughter. All of a sudden the old lady was gone and you were all long legs and shy smiles. What would you like to do for your last day, you said, all come-to-bed eyes and pouting lips. You think I didn't know? You think I didn't notice?' I was shouting now, but I didn't care.
'That's not how it was.' There were tears in her eyes.
'You didn't think I'd make it through the night, did you? That's why you left me at Leicester Square. You didn't want to be around when the Untainted came for me. You damn near admitted it.'
She shook her head, but she couldn't get the words out to deny it.
There was a knot in my throat, but I swallowed it down. 'Even then, when I survived and you found I was wraithkin — it didn't put you off, did it? What could be a powerful enough incentive for you to overcome your revulsion? What would it take for you to put that aside?'
'No, no, no,' she whispered.
'It wasn't me you wanted. It was what I could give you. All you ever wanted was a child. It was written all over your face at that inn in Shropshire. The first time you thought you might be pregnant you looked like the cat that got the cream. You hit the jackpot, and now you've got what you wanted you couldn't give a damn about me.'
'It's not true,' she whispered.
'Tell me truthfully. Before you knew I was fertile, did you have any interest in me at all?'
She shook her head, denying my question.
'That's not an answer, Blackbird. You never wanted me, did you? It was only ever about the baby. Now you've got what you needed, you want out. Don't worry, I know how it goes. I've been there before. I've got the bloody T-shirt.'
She shook her head again, scattering tears, wringing her hands together. I turned and reached for the door handle. 'Let Garvin know when you're leaving. I'll keep out of your way until then.'
I stepped through the door and slammed it shut behind me. I was breathing hard, adrenaline coursing
