When Judy got tired of doctors Roderick went off to explore the rest of the block. On one corner there was a gas station with interesting rainbows in the puddles and men who chased you away.
On another corner there was The Gifte Shoppe, run by Miss Violetta Stubbs. She sold greetings for all occasions, 30 pictures of the President, plates with gold edges saying NEWER, NEBR, THE BIGGEST LITTLE TOWN IN THE MIDWEST, little glass gazelles, hand-lettered cards like those in Pa’s workshop, paper doilies, magnetic pens you could stick to the dashboard of your car, silk scarves (NEWER, NEBR., THE BIGGEST etc.) and lots of other stuff, but when she found out you weren’t buying anything she chased you away. On another corner there was a house with a fence and a big dog inside, and on the last corner there was a mailbox and a man standing on one leg.
‘I can stand on one leg longer than you,’ said the man.
‘Sure. I ain’t got no legs.’
‘Oh yeah.’ The man scratched his head (this made him fall over). ‘I can stand on the other leg even longer.’
Roderick extended a claw. ‘My name’s Roderick Wood.’
‘Hi. I’m Louie. They call me Louie Honk-Honk.’
‘Why?’
‘Because I’m funny in the head I guess. I don’t know. If I knew, maybe I wouldn’t be funny. Hey, sit down why don’t you?’
Roderick said, ‘I can’t sit down.’
‘Can’t sit down! No legs! Heck and darn — I suppose you ain’t got any candy, either?’
‘Nope. Never use it.’
‘Better for your teeth, huh?’
‘No teeth either.’
Louie’s bad teeth showed in the gaping mouth. ‘No teeth! Wow! You’re worser off than me!’
‘But I’m not funny in the head — hey look, I’m sorry. Don’t cry, hey.’
Louie smiled through his tears. ‘Boy I’d like to show ’em! You know what I’d like to do? I’d like to go over to Howdy Doody Lake — you never been there? It’s nice — and I’d pick some flowers and throw them in, see? Then I’d throw some kid in!’
‘Didn’t I see that in this movie, Louie?’
‘Yeah I seen it too. Boy, they wouldn’t think I’m funny then. Only I wouldn’t drownd the kid, I’d pull ’em out again. Because if you drownd somebody that’s murder. They get detectives after you.’ Louie picked his nose, tasted the result. ‘Sometimes I think they got detectives after me anyways.’
‘How come? Did you drownd somebody?’
‘No! Never did! Never did! Only oncet I seen these two men in front of my house, sitting in this truck, see? Just sitting there, all day. All day long.’
‘I wonder why?’
‘I don’t know.’ After trying the other nostril, Louie said, ‘I wish I was real rich. Real rich. Then I’d pay these detectives to find out stuff for me. To find out — everything. Like what it says in books. And, and how come I’m funny in the head — everything. Ev-er-y-thing!’
That evening Ma and Pa sat at the dining-table, elbow-deep in quadruplicate forms.
‘I didn’t know adoption could be such a tricky business, Mary. Swann says it could take years, too, without no birth-certificate and with the—’
‘Listen to this: “
‘Money’s gonna be a problem too, already cashed my life insurance to pay Swann’s retainer — somebody’s at the door.’
The screen door cracked open and two men stumbled in: Sheriff Benson and Dr Smith. They seemed to be arguing.
‘Now Doc, hold on, you had no right to bust down that door, hold on just hold on.’
‘Getthatmthrfkn — Leggo, leggo!’
Pa said, ‘What is this? You know we never lock that door—’
Dr Smith shook a mottled pink fist.
The sheriff spoke: ‘Half outa his mind, Pa, I’m real sorry about that. Seems he thinks your little uh robot’s been assaulting on his girl Judy.’
‘Roderick? He’s upstairs in the land of recharge — in bed I mean. What do you mean, assaulted?’
Dr Smith grabbed his shirt-front. ‘What the fuck do you think I mean?
The sheriff separated them and forced Smith into a chair. ‘Now sit there and shut up till I find out what happened.’
‘I know what happened, Judy told me what hap—’
‘Button it, Doc.’ Sheriff Benson was a gaunt, weary-looking man with rotten teeth. He sucked them to punctuate sentences.
‘Well we got the report this afternoon. Miz Violetta Stubbs seen what happened from her back porch and called me. I’da been out here sooner only — hey, you know they got a new game show on, Channel 58, this one gal won a Rolls-Royce you know all she had to do—’
‘Get to the point!’ Dr Smith kneaded his fists together.
‘—just name six vegetables, simple, huh? Anyways like I say Miz Violetta seen your little robot and his little Judy playing it looked like doctors. Soooo… wonder if I might have a word with the little uh, okay?’
‘I’ll get him,’ said Ma. ‘Only keep that maniac away from him.’ She went to the stairs and paused. ‘Or her,’ she said.
Benson sucked his teeth. Just what I was thinking. You know, Doc, this case — there ain’t no precedent. I mean, if this robot was a live girl I know you wouldn’t care two hoots, if it was a live boy I guess we could settle it without much fuss too. But this robot ain’t got a sex — has it?’
‘Don’t try to cover up for them, Benny, goddamnit I know what I know. That
‘Sit down, Doc. Now looky here, this thing’s no bigger than a good-sized breadbox — reminds me of a game show where they — no, but look at him. Doc? You want me to prefer assault charges against that bitty thing?’
Ma carried him down. ‘Is it morning? Is hello, Sheriff, did you bring back our toilet?’
‘Set him on the table here Ma, now listen uh son, I want to ask you a coupla questions, you know what the truth is?’
‘Sure like in truth tables, like if you ask me three questions I could answer them eight different wa—’
‘No, well more like Truth or Consequences. Listen, this afternoon, what did you and Judy Smith do out there by the back hedge?’
‘Doctors.’
‘You played doctors? How does it go?’
‘Well you don’t have pieces—’
‘That’s a relief. Go on.’
‘And you just talk mostly about how the radiologist is batty about some nurse in O.R. Two, she won’t give him a second look though because she’s head-over-heels in love with young Doctor Something who’s been working too hard, two hours sleep in five years he can’t go on like this I tell you, with you it’s always give, give, let Doctor Whatsit carry some of the load sure he’s old and he drinks before surgery—’
‘Fine, but what do you do besides talk?’
‘Well nothing much. She puts it in my hands.’
‘
‘Her life. In my hands, my capable hands.’
‘Think we got nothin’ here, Doc, let’s go.’
