The Complete Roderick

‘Just Y or N. My. Y for Yes and N for No. Do you know what a banner is?’

‘What the heck. N.’

‘Banner means flag. The Star-Spangled Banner is the American flag. Star-Spangled means it has stars on it, and banner means flag. The American flag is a Star-Spangled –.’

So it went until recess: Roderick learned all the words of the National Anthem and the Pledge of Allegiance, how to salute the flag, carry it in a procession, display it with State flags, fly it at half-mast, and fold it into a three-cornered hat.

At recess Chauncey beat him up. Nat, his blood-oil brother, was nowhere in sight.

After recess he learned the history of the flag, the names of the fifty States and their capitals. Baseball never came up again.

At lunch hour, he rescued Nat from Chauncey.

After lunch hour, he learned more about the States: their chief exports and imports, populations, gross expenditures, State birds, flowers and songs, present governors and lieutenant governors, forms of capital punishment.

Finally, the ‘baseball’. The machine gave him three questions on what he’d learned. He answered them all, and it replied:

‘Three home runs wow terrific congratulations My you win program ends… Bye.’

He went to inform Mr Fest that Utah was the only State with death by firing-squad, that Minnesota’s State bird was the loon.

‘Learned all that, have you?’ Mr Fest scratched his grey crewcut. ‘Pretty quick. Puts me in kind of a bind, though, you know? Now I gotta find some more programs for you. Come on, let’s go see what they got in the office.’

Miss Borden was on the phone when they barged in. ‘Yes sir. Yes. Well, you and I know how people can read into… yes, and reporters cook up anything out of pretty ordinary… of course I could look up the medi — now? My secretary’s on her coffee — sure, yes, if you put it like that I, just hang on a minute, what is it Captain?’ She could not see Roderick over the edge of the desk.

‘Just wanted to find a few programs for the teaching machine, American history maybe?’

She detached a key from her gold chain and threw it, the motion sending a batch of pink forms to the floor where they sprawled in a neat fan. ‘Help yourself, cabinet in corner — get those forms will you, Captain? I’m, I’ve got to go look up some kid’s medical rec — Jenny never gets around to keying anything on our data file so it’s always a matter of digging — oh, and if you hear any funny noises on the phone, pick it up, will you? And tell them I’m still hunting?’

‘Can do, ma’am.’

She grabbed a handful of blue forms and strode out, saying, ‘Got to get this place organized, every time we get a bigger data base they throw more junk at us, fill it up before we even…’

Fest said, ‘Boy, pick up those forms and put ’em on Miss Borden’s desk.’ He unlocked the cabinet. ‘Boy this could use some organizing too, half the labels you can’t even read, what’s this, Element. P. Psychology? Physics?’

‘Hey Mr Fest you know these here grade forms, they—’

‘Not now, Geo. W. has to be George Washington, here they got it stuck in with all the global studies stuff.’

‘Yeah but how come everybody gets the same grade, like Norma Lee Dunne here, she’s real good at math and—’

‘Don’t read that stuff, just put it back on the desk. Now what’s this reel supposed to be the shelf label says Homecraft and the reel label says G. Stars, what the heck here — oh.’ He opened the box to release a shower of gold stars. ‘Damn woman couldn’t organize a cathouse on a Sunday morn—’

‘But shouldn’t she get a better grade than like Jimmy Rittle, he’s never even at school, he’s been sick every day but one.’ Roderick caught his eye. ‘Okay, I’m, look I’m putting ’em right here on the desk.’

‘Here we are, F. S. Key, Francis Scott Key composer of the Star-Spangled Banner, boy. Can’t learn too much about your own count — hmm, Lincoln? Naw, think we’ll leave the old hair-splitter for now, get some basics. No use you getting the idea all our forefathers looked like a buncha damn hairy hippies, eh? Come on.’

‘Lincoln.’ said Roderick, ‘is the capital of Nebraska, population—’

‘Yes, well fine.’ Fest locked the cabinet and looked for a place to put the key. ‘But don’t just uh learn this stuff like a parrot, eh? It’s gotta come from the heart.’

‘I don’t have a heart.’

‘Don’t get cute with me, boy, I’m warning you. Crippled or not, I don’t have to stand for no, any crud. Now get upstairs to your post and stand by for Francis Scott Key. On the double: Move! LEFT RIGHT LEFT RIGHT…’

The telephone receiver began making crackling noises as they left, and continued until Miss Borden, carrying a pile of green forms under one arm and a file in her hand, came to rescue it.

‘Yes sir, yes I have it here, Roderick Wood, hello? Why no one, Dr Froid, no one just one of the teachers looking up some training aids, teaching aids.’

‘—kind of an office you run there, Miss Borden, sounded like a roomful of stormtroopers doing callisthenics. I’m not at all surprised if your teachers behave like—’

At recess Chauncey and the gang had a new one for him.

‘Okay now, no means yes and yes means no. You want me to hitcha with these brass knucks? Yes or no?’

‘No,’ said Roderick, and got hit. Nat, he noticed, was hiding away on the other side of the playground, pretending to watch some younger kids playing Frying Pan, as though it were the most fascinating game he’d ever seen.

‘You want me to hitcha again? Yes or no?’

‘Yes,’ said Roderick and got hit.

‘Hahaha, gotcha again, you want me to hitcha again? Yes or no?’

‘LOOK OUT!!!’ Roderick screamed and pointed at the sky just at the back of Chauncey’s head. The flinch gave him time to get away to a safe distance from which he could call ‘I meant, don’t look out.’

‘Hello,’ said Roderick, but suddenly Hank Thoro II had no time for small-talk. The screen flared up:

‘Fundamental Systems Key 42. A programme for storing, reading, altering, re-addressing or deleting data system DC/4633333808824. File call?’

It seemed to be a question. Roderick pressed Y. (means N?)

‘No file Y. File call?’

N was no better, nor was any other single letter; after a while he tried typing words at random: ‘Indica’, ‘abacus’, ‘bishop’, ‘car chase’, ‘jispsy’, ‘robot’, ‘kale’, ‘sip’, ‘thud’. Finally he tried numbers, and when he happened to hit 42, the screen reacted:

‘Incorrect call. For systems key use FSKEY 42. Call?’

‘FSKEY 42,’ he typed.

‘Fundamental Systems Key 42. A programme for storing, reading, altering, re-addressing or deleting data system DC/746 information using 333 and 338 subroutines and/or manual file call.

‘System security is maintained by use of (I) User passwords, (2) System level match codes…’

By the end of the day, Roderick was able to call up more interesting stuff, like:

‘Wood, Roger Rick. Grade: 2. Med: No file. Assessmt: Schiz. tendencies. Teacher: Fest. Comment: Difficult adjustment, due to handicap. May need psy. couns. IQ:NR.’

He decided to change a few things.