The Complete Roderick

with computer cabinets, and at the far end stood Leo’s ‘fish-tank’.

A young attendant in white rushed over to them.

‘Gendemen, I’m afraid this is a restric — oh, sorry, sir.’

‘’S all right,’ said the senior man. ‘You must be new here, eh? Heh heh, how do you like baby-sitting with Leo?’

The attendant hovered at his elbow as the three of them moved towards the tank. ‘Leo, sir?’

‘That.’ The senior man pointed to the floating brain. ‘That’s Leo Bunsky, at one time just about the best applications man in his field. Still is I guess — poor bastard. Oh, we’ve got some data here, like Leo to have a look at it.’

‘Yes sir, right away.’

The liver-spotted hands gave up the journal and then clasped. ‘Poor bastard thinks he’s still alive, you know? Still thinks he’s working on a robot project, Project Rubber Dick, something like that. Naturally we can’t disillusion him now, he might clam up on us.’

‘Yes sir well now I’ll just enter this data—’

‘Good man, Leo. Don’t know how we’d ever stop the propagation of Entities without him, gave us some of our most valuable scenarios. Kind of Devil’s advocate — Hello there Leo!’

The reptilian eyes, half-closed with amusement, stared down at the motionless brain. ‘Good man, old Leo.’

Pa leaned forward while Roderick adjusted his pillow. ‘Thanks. Now let’s see what this so-called newspaper has to say. Great thing about convalescence, you don’t feel so guilty wasting time like this — might even start watching TV if I listen to this:’

XMAS PLAGUE STRIKES 5 MORE KIDS

400 Cases — Health Dept Baffled

The mysterious ‘Christmas plague’ which has so far infected over 400 children across the State, causing two deaths, has struck again. Five new cases are reported in Newer, county seat of Stubbs County. State Health Department officials, while admitting the disease has no cause they can isolate, assure the public there is no cause for alarm. ‘The symptoms are somewhat similar to those of certain types of mercury poisoning,’ said a spokesman. ‘We can’t rule that out, but it doesn’t seem likely at this stage. There just isn’t any mercury pollution going on, that we know of. We’re sending our best investigative team to Stubbs County right away,’ he added. ‘Headed by a very capable man, Dr Sam Death.’

‘Be nice to have a new doctor in town,’ Pa said. ‘Welby never has time to see me — not that I really need a doctor. My body is as fit today as it was when I was a young — a young—’

‘Pa, speaking of bodies, could I ask you something?’

‘Fire away.’

Instead of firing away, Roderick began fidgeting with the quilt. It was a strange patchwork design, each patch being a little human figure with upraised arms. ‘Gee Pa, I don’t know where to begin.’

‘At the end, son. Either end.’

‘Yes Pa.’

‘And go on till you run out of it, then stop.’

‘Yes Pa.’

‘What is it, is it your new body you wanted to ask about?’

‘Yes Pa.’

‘Trouble getting used to it?’

‘No, heck — well I mean clothes itch a lot but no, it’s fine.’ Roderick traced a figure on the quilt. ‘Only, I mean, heck, well I mean, gee whiz, but heck, I mean gosh darn, I m—’

Pa reached out and slapped the stainless-steel face.

‘Thanks Pa, I needed that. Well maybe I didn’t need it, but — about my body, okay what I wondered was, is this it? Is this my body? All of it?’

The face was a crude blank, hardly more character in it than in a fencing mask. Pa said, ‘You worried about the head, is that it? But it’s like we told you, your Ma sculpted up a swell new head, and we got this painter working on it now, he should be shipping it to us any day now—’

‘Well no, Pa. I meant — well what about sex?’

Pa raised himself up on one elbow. ‘Sex? What in the world has sex got to do with your body?’

Roderick wasn’t entirely sure. ‘Well I mean, don’t I need an extra part or two? Or three?’

‘Son, you got all the parts they had in the factory.’

‘No but I meant like male parts. Or female parts.’

Pa scratched his head. ‘Pipe fittings, you mean? Electricals? Maybe you better spell this out for me, son.’

‘I mean for making babies, Pa.’

The old man sank back and laughed. ‘Babies! So that’s what’s worrying you! Well listen, I know I should of had a man-to-man talk with you some time back, only I just kept putting it off… But now listen. To have a baby, all you do is find a nice girl — or if you are a nice girl, a nice boy — takes one of each.’

‘Heck, I know that, Pa. I seen these pictures where—’

‘One of each. Then the two of you settle down together, next thing you know the babies start coming along, about one a year just like clockwork. Course you have to kiss a lot. That’s why we’re giving you a nice face, for kissing. But you don’t need no extra pipe fittings or electrical sockets — do you?’

‘I don’t know. Pa, how come you and Ma never had any kids of your own.’

‘Just plain unlucky, son.’ Pa rattled his newspaper. ‘Plain unlucky. You, uh, you don’t think there could be any other reason, do you?’

‘Yep.’ Roderick told him the story he’d pieced together from Chauncey and the other kids, from dirty pitchers, and from a glance into a book at Joradsen’s Drug, Tantric without Tears. All his sources, though disagreeing on details, seemed to tell more or less the same story.

Pa listened, looking astonished but remaining silent, until Roderick finished. ‘…well then I guess about nine months later the baby comes out of the same place the stuff went in.’

Pa laughed so hard he nearly fell out of bed. ‘Aw come on! That’s just ridiculous — I mean them things are to pee with, everybody knows that! You expect me to believe that people go around peeing on each other to get babies inside that they can pee out — come on, now! That ain’t even common sense if people had to go through all that every time they wanted a baby, there wouldn’t be any people at all! Mary! Come up here listen to what this boy just told me — tell your Ma, son.’

Ma listened without laughing. ‘Huh! That’s what happens when you pick up stuff from other kids, cheap reproduction books and places like that. You should have come to Pa and me in the first place, we’d set you straight.’

‘But — but — but they talk about making it, screwing and making love—’

‘Making love,’ said Ma, ‘is just a question of matching up your souls.’

Pa finished coughing. ‘What she means, son, is your minds.’ He tapped his head. ‘Love, sex, whatever you want to call it, it all happens up here. And don’t let anybody ever tell you different.’

Ma smiled. ‘There! All cleared up? You know, I feel like — like really cooking something. See, all this talk about sex put me in mind of Duchamp, The Bride Stripped Bare, and that made me think of nutmeg graters, and that made me think of — of—’ Her gaze fell on the quilt. ‘Of gingerbread boys! For my invalid — though I suppose Duchamp would call him a vain lia?’

‘Roderick can give you a hand,’ said Pa. ‘Soon as I get him to try out this new cipher I’ve been working on.’ He dug down in the bedclothes and came up with a scrap of paper. ‘Here son, just you try cracking that one.’

ANN NEE ANNA, NOD TO ANTS’ ADS (HE HAD TO AX 7).

CZAR INKS ODD IDS (OHMS) FOR NUT LADDER OF VHF STAR.