Fake I.D.

the bar and I was standing at the door proofing. I was in a good mood—laughing, joking around with everybody. I was even nice to Gary. When he showed up I said, “Hey, what’s going on?” when I usually didn’t say jack shit to him. He noticed the change in me and said, “You sure you’re feeling all right tonight?”

“Never felt better in my life, buddy,” I said.

After a while the crowd started to thin out and then Susan Lepidus showed up at the bar. She used to hang out at O’Reilley’s a lot, then, about a year ago, we went out one night to a club on the West Side. I hadn’t seen her in at least six months. She had curly red hair that went halfway down her back and she had a small, pretty face. She was with a short, dark-haired guy I’d never seen before.

“Hi, Tommy,” she said, giving me a big warm smile.

“Haven’t seen you in a while, huh?” I said.

“Maybe I’ve been hiding from you,” she said.

“Well, I found you,” I said.

We both laughed. Her boyfriend, watching us, didn’t crack a smile.

“Tommy, I’d like you to meet Jim. Jim, this is Tommy.”

I shook Jim’s hand. He had a strong grip, the typical little guy trying to act tough.

I looked back at Susan and I thought I caught her staring at me.

“Anyway, we better get inside, it’s freezing out here,” she said. “I’ll talk to you later, okay?”

“Okay,” I said.

Susan and Jim went into the bar. Then, about a minute or two later, I was checking a few more IDs when I felt somebody touching my arm. I turned around and Susan was standing there.

“So how are you?” she said.

“Pretty good,” I said. “So you don’t come around here too much any more, huh?”

“I haven’t been going out as much as I used to,” she said. “I guess I’m getting boring in my old age.”

“You don’t look so boring to me.” I said.

We both smiled. Her lips, coated with bright red lipstick, looked good.

“I better go,” she said. “My friend’s gonna be back from the bathroom in a second. But, you know, we should really go out again sometime. Why don’t you give me a call?”

“I will,” I said.

I watched Susan walk back to the bar. When Jim was facing the other way, ordering drinks, Susan looked back at me and smiled and waved.

When I first started working at O’Reilley’s, I used to give Susan and her friends free drinks and Jello shots whenever I was bartending. I liked Susan a lot, but after that one date I’d never called her again. I guess it was the story of my life—when I had a good thing going I always found a way to screw it up.

But now I had a second chance. I wouldn’t even have to ask her for her phone number because I still had it memorized.

Susan and Jim left around eleven—Susan touched my arm and kissed me on the cheek again on her way out—and the next time I looked at my watch it was after midnight. But there was still a pretty big crowd at the door and a lot of ID checking to do. Tonight would be a late night—last call wouldn’t be until two-thirty. I was planning to make my move for the safe at around three, when the place was empty. I was usually alone in the bar for a little while after Gary went home and I was stacking chairs and stools.

“Tommy.”

Her voice jolted me. The last person I wanted to see tonight was Janene. I was hoping she wouldn’t discover her jewelry missing for a few days—that I’d have time to think up an excuse. She was standing at the front of the line of people waiting to get into the bar.

“Hey, how’s it goin’?” I said, trying to act like I was happy to see her and nothing was wrong.

“I need to talk to you right away,” she said.

She didn’t dress up tonight. She was wearing sweatpants, a down winter coat, red earmuffs, and no makeup. Her eyes were blue again.

“All right,” I said, “but it’s gonna have to wait a few minutes. As you can see I’m checking IDs here.”

“Did you steal my jewelry?”

“What?” I said, like I had no idea what she was talking about.

People on line were staring at us.

“It was a simple question. If you have my jewelry just give it back to me now and I won’t call the police.”

I laughed, shaking my head.

“Just relax, okay? Let me get these people into the bar, then I’ll be right with you.”

I checked IDs while Janene stood next to me, her arms crossed in front of her chest. I was glad to have the break—it gave me time to think about what I was going to say.

When the last person went into the bar, Janene said, “Well?”

“Well what?”

“Can I have my jewelry back please?”

“First of all, please don’t ever come here while I’m working and pull a scene like this again. It’s bad for business and I’ll lose my job.”

“Some job,” she said, rolling her eyes. I had never hit a woman before in my life, but I wanted to hit Janene, slap her right across the face. I might’ve done it too, but we were on the street and people were watching.

“Second of all,” I said, “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about. Jewelry? What jewelry?”

“You know what jewelry.”

“Is this because I took off last night? Because if it is, I think you got the wrong idea.”

“Look, I’m not an idiot, okay? I just want my jewelry back.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about and if you won’t tell me I guess I’ll never know.”

I stared at her for a few seconds without blinking.

My acting experience was paying off. I was staying cool and relaxed and I could tell she was starting to believe me.

A couple of guys came up to the door. They looked over twenty-one so I just waved them in.

Janene said, “A necklace and my diamond studs are missing from my jewelry box.”

So she didn’t know about the bracelet. I’d have to remember not to say anything about that.

“So let me get this straight,” I said. “You think I robbed you last night?”

“Did you?”

“Jesus Christ, what kind of guy do you think I am?”

“Then where’s my jewelry?”

“How the hell should I know?”

She took a deep breath, then said, “All I know is I woke up in the middle of the night and you were gone. Then I came home from work today and noticed the stuff missing.”

“So what makes you think I took it? Maybe somebody broke into your apartment this afternoon. Or maybe you were robbed a few days ago or a few months ago.”

“I just wore those earrings last week.”

“So somebody could’ve robbed you any day last week or this week. Why do you think I did it?”

This got her thinking. She looked at me closely, trying to see if I’d crack. I didn’t.

She said, “If you were me, what would you think?”

“I’d think maybe it was an inside job. I knew a girl who lived in one of those elevator buildings and people were getting robbed all the time. D’you keep a key with your super?”

“Yeah, but he’s a nice guy. He’d never rob me.”

“And what, I’m not a nice a guy? Look, call the cops, do what you want. I don’t have to take this.”

I got up off my stool and started into the bar.

“Tommy.”

I turned around slowly. I felt like I was in a play or a movie.

Janene said, “I’m sorry, all right? I just didn’t know what to think. I mean after...why did you leave anyway? How could you do something like that to me?”

She was starting to cry. I stared at her for a few seconds, then said, “You didn’t tell me about your husband.