Fake I.D.

“I want another thousand—tomorrow night,” he said. “Or I say what I see to Frank and the police.”

“Look, I didn’t have to give you shit, all right?” I said. “It was very generous of me to give you that money. So why don’t you just go home tonight and feel lucky?”

“I want another thousand—tomorrow night,” Rodrigo said. “If you don’t give the money for me, I go to tell Frank and the policia.”

I walked over to him and looked him right in the eye. I smiled, shaking my head, then I gave him a quick right hook in the gut. When he keeled over I kneed him in the balls. I didn’t want to hurt him, but if he wanted to play hardball with me what choice did I have? I pushed him back against the stove, forcing him to stand up straight. His face was red and he was trying to catch his breath.

Now my idea was to scare him, like I was a thug in the movies.

“Now listen to me, you little piece of shit,” I said. “I’m not giving you another fuckin’ cent and if you even think about telling anybody anything I’m gonna tell them you took the money. Who do you think they’ll believe? I’m Frank’s friend, I’m gonna be manager of this bar someday, but who are you? You’re just a cook, an illegal alien. Don’t think I forgot that. I’ll make a few calls and you’ll be back in Mexico, begging for food on the streets. Is that what you want? Huh? Is that what you want?”

I gave him another solid right in the gut, then I walked away, taking a handful of French fries out of the rack on my way out.

I almost choked on a bite of fries when I saw Janene sitting on a bar stool. She looked like she had come straight from work. She was wearing a dark blue jacket and a matching skirt and her legs were crossed. Her tote bag and her long black winter coat were on the stool next to her. Frank was in the same spot he was before, a few stools away from Janene, working on a new pint of Guinness. I knew I had to get Janene the hell out of the bar— fast. I didn’t know why she was here, but I didn’t want her going crazy again, talking about how I stole her jewelry with Frank sitting right there.

I went up to Janene and tapped her on the shoulder. Before she could say anything I said, “Let’s do this outside.”

“No, I want to—”

“Outside,” I said.

“All right,” she said. She got up, took her coat and bag, and started toward the door. I looked over at Frank, who was watching us, and rolled my eyes, like I was saying “Women.” Frank smiled, knowing exactly what I meant.

When I went outside Janene had her coat on and she was standing with her hands on her hips. She had a full face of makeup and the yellow light of the bar’s marquee was shining directly into her fake blue eyes.

“So what’s up?” I asked.

“This is your last chance, Tommy. Give me back my jewelry or I’m going to the police.”

“Hold up a second,” I said. “Didn’t we go through this already the other night?”

“I know you took it,” she said, “so I don’t want to hear any more stories.”

“Look, I was nice to you the last time you came by here,” I said, “but I’m not gonna put up with this shit anymore. I’m not gonna lose a job because you’re coming around here all the time with these crazy ideas in your head.”

“When I left here the other night, I wasn’t sure,” she said. “I thought, Okay, maybe I shouldn’t’ve gone over there and accused him like that when I wasn’t sure.”

“You should’ve listened to yourself.”

“But then I thought about it some more and I realized how ridiculous that was. You were the only one who could’ve done it, and the way you disappeared like that while I was sleeping—of course you did it. Why would you do something like this to me, Tommy? How could you?”

Janene looked like she was about to cry.

“Look,” I said. “I told you I didn’t wanna make a scene here—”

“Were you planning to do this all along?” she said. “Did you just want to get me in bed so you could rob me?”

“Of course not,” I said. “I liked you a lot and, if you wanna know the truth, I still like you. Like I said, I was just a little upset that you were married and didn’t tell me about it, but I guess I can get over that. If you wanna keep going out with me, I have no problem with that—I mean I’d love to go out with you again sometime if that’s what you want. I guess I shouldn’t’ve left that night without waking you up. That’s my fault—I apologize for that.”

Janene stared at me for a few seconds, then she said, “You’re serious. You really want to go out with me again?”

“Why not?” I said. “I thought we were pretty good together.”

“What makes you think I’d want to go out with you?”

“It’s up to you.”

“Dating you was like a nightmare,” she said. “Not only do I not want to go out with you—I never want to see you again.”

“Then why do you keep coming back here?”

“To get my jewelry.”

“I can’t help you there,” I said, “but if you want the hundred bucks I owe you I have that. Just stop by my place any time and I’ll give it to you.”

“I have a better idea,” she said. “Maybe I’ll go inside right now and tell your boss that you robbed me— see what he has to say about that.”

I stood in front of her.

“Hold up,” I said. “If you think I’m letting you go in there—”

“You can’t stop me.”

She was right—people were walking by, looking at us.

“Why do you need to tell my boss about this?”

“Maybe he’d like to know how his bouncer robbed me.”

“So then maybe I get fired. How’s that gonna help you?”

“You know, you’re right,” she said. “I have a better idea—I’ll call the police.”

She started to walk away. I knew I had to do something.

“Wait,” I said.

She turned around and looked back at me. On cue, I started to cry. Well, I guess I wasn’t really crying, but I did a good enough job of faking it. I turned around with my back facing her and then I put my hands over my face and made loud sobbing noises. It might’ve been the best acting performance of my life.

“What’s the matter with you?” she asked.

My hands were wet with tears. Now I knew I had her.

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I just can’t help it.”

“Help what?”

“Everything.” I squeezed out a few more tears, then I said, “All right, you wanna know the truth? The truth is I took your fucking jewelry. You satisfied?”

“Where is it?”

“I don’t have it.”

“Why not?”

“I pawned it off for gambling money. I tried to buy it back—I swear to fucking God I did—but the guy already sold it.”

She stared at me for a few seconds then said, “For gambling money? What are you talking about?”

“I’m a compulsive gambler,” I said, crying. “I didn’t want to tell you about it, but it’s the truth. I started betting in high school and it’s gotten worse and worse since. I go to the racetrack and the OTBs all the time, betting on fucking horses. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it—I just didn’t know how to bring it up.”

“But why?” she said. “Why did you steal from me?”

“Because I have a problem, that’s why,” I said. “I gamble too much—I get out of control. It’s my fault, I know. I have no one to blame but myself.”

“Why don’t you go for help?”