Past The Patch

realized he could wear both inside out. He really wished he had grey sneakers, but black would have to do. At least the sweatshirt was a hoodie. Concealed within the folds of the clothing was the mason jar that held eighteen assorted shark’s teeth. There was also an exacto blade and a set of needle-nosed pliers he had used when fiddling with a few models.

Andrew sat the jar of shark’s teeth on the toilet, then thought better of it. He opened the lid first, and set it in the sink over top of the drain. Even if he accidentally lost one or two, it shouldn’t matter. He was pretty sure they wouldn’t all fit. Peering into the mirror, he smiled and growled at his reflection. He pulled at his lips and examined his gums. Having already lost a few baby teeth, he only had a few grownup ones. Andrew wasn’t worried about them. He’d find replacements later.

Taking the pliers, Andrew gripped one of his front teeth and began to wiggle it. Disgruntled, he tried wiggling it harder in the other direction. He gasped as the tooth snapped in half, a tiny white stub visible right below his gum line.

“Crap,” he muttered as he downed the pliers and scrounged around for the exacto blade. Making a little slice into his upper gum, blood poured down into his mouth. He spit it out and pried the pink flesh apart so he had more room to work. This time, getting a tight grip on the tooth, he yanked straight down. The tooth was rip free, root trailing. He tossed it in the sink as he gazed up into the crimson socket.

“Wow, this is gonna take a long time,” he said to the mirror as blood ran down his chin.

“Erin, honey… what are you doing?”

Erin grimaced at the woman who had been designated her Mother.

She took in the perfectly coifed golden hair, the fake tan, the designer caprice pants. Turned partially sideways, the woman couldn’t see the knife in Erin’s hand.

“Mom, could you help me?”

“What’s wrong?” she replied, getting to her feet off the couch.

“I have a problem…” Erin began as her pretend Mom crossed over to her.

“Honey, why aren’t you wearing any pants?”

“… with you,” finished Erin as she quickly slide the knife up into the woman’s throat.

Gurgling, she clawed at the blade, only to slice open her own fingers.

Erin held the knife firmly in place with one hand, gripping her former Mom’s head by that perfect hair with the other hand. She held it for a three count before deftly pulling it out in a single stroke to the side. The motion almost severed the head completely. Dead Mom fell to the kitchen linoleum, all the blood contained to a nice, easy-to-clean area.

“So,” Erin said to the corpse as she wiped away some splatter from her face with the shoulder sleeve of her tee shirt. “I’m guessing Dear Ol’

Dad’s in his office?”

CrapCrapCrap! thought Andrew as he hacked away at the last section of his gum line. Not only was the bathroom covered in blood now, the whole process had taken way longer than he had thought it would. A whole hour! Stupid Mom or Stupid Dad would come banging on the door any minute to tell him it was time for dinner. Oh well, he was a mutant shark monster now, so what were they going to say?

Andrew examined his reflection in the mirror and admired his bloody, fanged grin. It was perfect! He had managed to cram eight in the top and seven in the bottom. At first he had been miffed that they weren’t even, but looking at them now, he was quite impressed with the vision. He could see his gums were already healing back over his new teeth, absorbing their presence and adapting accordingly. He tried some experimental chomping, and shifted one of the left bottom teeth over a bit. Chomp, chomp. Perfect!

Then, Andrew’s face fell as a terrible realization hit him.

“I still have people eyes. I need shark eyes. How am I gonna get shark eyes?”

“Come in!”

Erin opened the door, making no attempt to hide the knife or the fact that she was covered in blood. There was no point since she was in the doorway and Dear Ol’ Dad had no other exit. For a moment, she watched him fumble with his papers, his tie abandoned but his shirt still tucked in. It was enough to make her vomit, or in this case, brutally murder him.

“What’s up, honey?”

Honey. How she hated that cutesy nickname.

“Dad,” she simply said, waiting for him to look up.

“Um-hm,” he replied, still caught up in his precious little career.

“Dear Ol’ Daddy Dearest,” she said, this time letting the malice flow in each syllable.

This time he looked up. He looked, he blinked, he went very, very pale.

“Erin, what…”

A single finger to her lips.

He went silent.

“Tell me,” she asked as she entered his office, closing the door behind her. “Did they tell you exactly what this assignment was, by chance? Who it was you were… babysitting?”

Silent. Rigid. Pale.

“Daddy, answer my question.”

“Yes,” he managed to choke out.

“I see. And you took it anyway. What did they offer you?” He sputtered on his words, but Erin got the gist.

“Money?” she questioned with a laugh. “So I take it you really didn’t believe what the job duty description laid out then?” He shook his head an emphatic no.

“Hmmm… well, I guess that means I’ll have to have a word with management,” she said as she drew the knife point along the edge of the desk around to him. “We’re not going to want a repeat of this.” He shook his head an even greater no.

“I mean, like, when the ninth set of parents are roped into this gig.” Andrew sat on the toilet, lid closed, grumbling. He hadn’t even thought about shark eyes, but now that he had, he knew the costume would be totally dumb without them. Crap, how was he going to get those? And where were the parents?

Finally annoyed with everything, Andrew got up and looked in the mirror one last time. Except for some dried blood around his mouth, the new teeth had set and adapted. They looked really awesome. Chomp, chomp! He washed off the last little bit of blood and reached for the door.

The parents would so find out if he snuck out now, plus he was hungry. If they freaked out on him about his cool new teeth, he would just eat them. It wouldn’t be like it was the first set he had munched on, or anything.

Just as Andrew was opening the door, the handle was yanked out of his hand. Erin stood outside in the hallway, her brows creased in that way when she was irritated. They started at each other.

“There you are. Where have you been?”

“In here. Why is there blood all over you?”

“Why are your teeth all fucked up?”

“Oohhh, you just said ‘fuck.’ I’m gonna tell!”

“So did… never mind. I’m covered in blood ‘cause I just killed the parents.”

“Huh, really? That’s cool, these ones where pretty dumb.”

“Yeah.”

The siblings stared at each other some more.

“Crap, I’m kinda hungry though,” said Andrew.

Erin sighed. “I’ll make you something.”

They walked back downstairs and into the kitchen. Andrew leaned over to examine his sister’s handiwork on their ex-Mom while Erin rummaged around in the refrigerator. He poked at the cooling wound and made a noise signaling he was impressed. Erin pulled out some leftover fried chicken, sat it on the counter and stuck a casserole