Never Knowing

He called back twenty minutes later, asking again if I liked the dolls. Ten minutes after that he called again. His voice sounded more anxious with each call. Finally he said he had to go, he wasn’t feeling well.

I wasn’t feeling so great myself. I’d barely slept since he started sending me things. When I did, my dreams were haunted by screaming women being chased by metal figurines. I’d hoped to sleep in that morning because it was Saturday and I didn’t have to drive Ally to school, but no chance of that after John’s calls. Billy phoned right away to tell me the last couple of calls came from the outskirts of Kamloops and every available officer in the area was patrolling the roads. Ally and I fought all morning — I swear she senses when I’m at my least patient and picks that moment to drag her heels on everything. The more I tried to rush her, the more upset she got. She even grabbed my cell out of my hand and threw it across the living room. Thank God it just hit the couch. But I did mess up — I nearly forgot she had to go to a birthday party that afternoon, so we had to stop on the way there to grab a present.

Ally wanted Spider-Man walkie-talkies for the birthday boy, but the store was out and we didn’t have time to go to another one. I assured her Jake would like the science kit, feeling like the worst mother in the world when I saw how disappointed she was. After I came home from dropping Ally off, I planned on getting some work done. But then I got a call from Julia.

I didn’t recognize the number showing on the cordless, but the area code was Victoria and it could be a client.

The first words out of Julia’s mouth were, “Has he called you again?”

“Ah…” The police warned me not to tell anyone, but she was in the same boat as me. Didn’t she have a right to know?

“He has, yes.”

“He sent you my earrings — I had to identify them.”

I didn’t have a response, but I had a feeling she didn’t want one.

She said, “Has he said anything about me?”

John’s voice rang in my head. I saw Julia’s photo in the paper.

“Nothing.”

“I want to move, but Katharine thinks we should stay. I can’t sleep.” Her tone was bitter. Blaming.

“They’re going to catch him—”

“That’s what Sandy says, but I’ve been told that so many times.…”

“You’ve talked to Sandy?”

“The police keep me updated.” How nice. “I have to go.”

“Do you want me to call you if…” If what?

But she’d already hung up, leaving me wondering why she’d phoned in the first place. Then I wondered if even she knew why.

I dialed Sandy’s cell and as soon as she answered said, “I just talked to Julia.”

“Did you call her again?”

Why did she assume I’d called Julia, not the other way around? My face was hot.

“She called me.”

“I hope you didn’t discuss the case with her?”

“She asked if he called again and I said yes. That’s it.”

“Sara, you have to be careful with—”

“She already knew he’d call and she knows he sent me her earrings. If I denied everything she would’ve wondered more. She said you’ve been filling her in yourself anyway.”

Sandy didn’t say anything, so I jumped in with my own questions.

“What have you found out about the dolls? It’s the victims’ hair, isn’t it?”

“We’re still waiting for the DNA results.”

“Have you notified their families?”

“Not at this point. We need to be careful how we approach this — they don’t know the Campsite Killer is in contact with someone.”

“After all those calls today, please tell me you have a lead.”

“Not yet.” Her voice was curt. “The calls were getting closer to Cache Creek, moving west of Kamloops. There are a lot of provincial parks in the area, so he’s probably traveling on back roads.”

“Maybe he’s heading back up north?”

“Try not to speculate, Sara.” Her schoolteacher tone was bugging the crap out of me.

“Isn’t that what police work is?”

I was proud of my comeback until she said, “No, it’s a careful analysis of data and facts, then the drawing of a conclusion based on hard evidence.”

“Well, then. Are there any facts or data that might give us an idea of what he does for a living? He seems to be on the road a lot, so I was thinking he could be a truck driver or a deliveryman or—” “All possibilities. I’m about to step into a meeting now. Can I have Billy call you back so you can discuss it further with him?”

“No, I’m fine.” I hung up the phone, frowning. What did I ever do to that woman?

I worked in the shop until it was time to pick up Ally. I was still trying to finish the cherry lamp table, but my heart wasn’t in it. It didn’t help that John’s comment about “rich tones” kept flickering through my brain. Of course he liked the wood — it probably reminded him of blood. I shuddered at the macabre thought. I was used to being away from Evan for long stretches of time, especially during the summer, but it was never easy. Today I missed him terribly and wished I could call him, but he was out on the boat all day.

We’d been talking every night — we had a long call after I found out I was part First Nations. Evan thought it was great. But it was weird knowing Sandy or Billy, or whoever else, could listen whenever they wanted. It was also hard when Lauren and I talked on the phone because she’d say something personal and I knew she was being taped but she didn’t. I usually tried to stick to the subject of our kids or the wedding. But not telling her what was really going on was killing me.

We’d finally made plans to go dress-shopping on Sunday. We were all going to meet at my house in the morning and drive to Victoria in my truck. Lauren was already baking something and I knew she’d have a thermos of coffee. Melanie, well, I was sure she’d bring her attitude. I was hoping like crazy this would be one of the days I didn’t hear from John.

The rest of the afternoon passed quietly and I picked up Ally, who was so burned out she fell into bed after her bath. When I tucked her in she informed me Jake already had two science kits. I felt so bad I told her I’d take some of her friends to a matinee soon, but she said, “You’ll just forget, Mommy.” I swore I wouldn’t, my heart breaking that she doubted me. When I kissed her good night and whispered that I loved her, she didn’t say it back. I told myself she was just tired. Evan called later and we managed to have a nice talk right up until I heard my cell ring.

“Hang on a sec, baby.” I checked the display. “It’s John.”

“Call me back.”

I picked up the cell. “Hello?”

“Sara…” There was a long pause.

I said, “You still there?”

“Did you like the dolls?” He slurred the last words and I wondered if he’d been drinking. In the background I heard traffic.

“Are you driving?”

“I asked you a question.”

It was a phrase my dad used often when I was growing up, guaranteed to make me not want to answer at all, but I said, “Yeah, I like them. I told you that.”