Never Knowing

Another mystery was solved when they searched Billy’s browser history and found all the Web sites where he’d posted a link to the original article about the Campsite Killer being my father. He made sure it spread across the Internet — obviously in hopes of flushing out John. When the police looked into it they discovered he’d even posted the article on some where-to-camp-in-BC forums, using the screen name The Dark Knight. The worst part is that he linked to my business directory, which is probably how John got my cell number.

When I got home from the hospital I read The Art of War front to back, still trying to make sense of Billy’s actions. But in the end I was just left with the feeling he’d interpreted each quote for his own purposes. There was one line in there that basically summed up his entire friendship with me: “Command them with civility, rally them with martial discipline, and you will win their confidence.” Now I realize just how much Billy was manipulating me all along — keeping my spirits high, bringing me food, getting me ready for the next “battle,” even stealing Moose so he could help me find him.

First thing Dad said was, “I knew there was something off about him. He didn’t dress like a cop.” I started to argue that Billy’s dressing nice didn’t mean squat, then realized I was feeling defensive for liking Billy. That’s the hardest part, that I liked him. But maybe you’re right and it wasn’t Billy I liked so much as what he was teaching me. I know he just needed me to be calm so he could use me. But he did help. Even now when I get stressed out or start to panic I think, Breath, regroup, just focus on your strategy.

If this whole situation taught me anything, it’s that even though I was terrified ninety-five percent of the time, I did handle everything that was thrown at me. Now I just have to remember to keep moving forward when everything is going sideways. I doubt I’ll ever be cool in a crisis — I’m just not wired that way. But maybe I’ll stop freaking out about the fact that I freak out.

The police still don’t know who attacked you. Billy could’ve snuck out that night — I even told him the alarm code after he encouraged me to take an Ativan. But he would’ve bragged about it. Sandy still believes it was John, but I don’t think it was him either. Don’t worry — I’m staying out of this one. When I told Evan the same thing, he just laughed and said, “Riiiight.” But I swear this time I’m leaving it to the police.

Evan feels like a total jerk for blowing off my concerns about the gun, but he’s also pretty proud of himself for never trusting Billy. He’s been getting way too much mileage out of that one, but overall he’s being really sweet. All the fighting we went through scared me, but in the end it made me realize we can have differences and still be right for each other. If we can make it through two killers, marriage is going to be a piece of cake.

He brought Ally to see me in the hospital. She got super upset the first time — nothing like seeing your mommy with tubes coming out of her — but one of the doctors explained everything and she calmed down. She loved coming after that because I gave her my puddings.

She slept in our bed both nights I was in the hospital — Evan said she kept waking up screaming. We’ve been taking her to see that therapist and she’s getting better, but she’s still a little clingy. She’s also been throwing some major temper tantrums, so we have to work on that. But in the last month she’s been abducted, watched her mom and aunt get beat up, and seen a man get shot to death. She has to let it out somehow.

Melanie came to see me the first day I was in the hospital. I was sleeping, but when I opened my eyes she was sitting in the chair beside me, flipping through a People magazine. Evan told me she had a minor concussion, so I wasn’t surprised to see the bandage on her forehead, but the black eye was a shock.

I cleared my throat, which was still swollen from the tube the doctors had jammed down it.

“Nice shiner.”

She smiled at me. “Beats yours.”

I smiled back. “I like purple, makes my eyes look greener.”

We laughed, but then I groaned.

“Stop, that hurts.” Our eyes met and our last moment with Billy surrounded us. She shifted her weight in the chair.

“The stuff I said…” She cleared her throat. “I didn’t mean it.”

“Yeah, I know. But our relationship does kind of suck.”

Anger flashed in her eyes, but I held up a hand.

“I overreact and I have a temper.” I took a deep breath, which made me cough, which hurt like hell. Melanie handed me my water. After I took a sip I said, “And you’re right, sometimes I judge you. But I’m just jealous because of how Dad treats you.” “Well, don’t be, because he’s embarrassed I turned out to be such a disappointment. He’s always going on about how well you’ve done for yourself. And he hates my boyfriend.” I’d never looked at it from her perspective before, never realized how much she also wanted Dad’s approval.

“You’re not a disappointment. But he does hate Kyle.”

She laughed. “It doesn’t help that he thinks Evan’s perfect. I know Kyle is different, but he’s fun and he makes me feel good. You’ve never tried to get to know him.”

“You’re right. But I will, okay?”

“Okay.” She smiled. “I don’t see us going on double dates, though.”

I laughed, then held my side and gritted my teeth. Once the pain had passed, I said, “You’re probably right, but you never know.” I touched her hand. “Hey, you know what? When you were really little I snuck into your room one night. I thought if I gave you away, Dad would love me. But I stayed in your room for hours watching you sleep.” “You were going to give me away?”

I smiled at the expression on her face.

“The point is I decided to keep you. Thank God — or I’d be dead right now.”

She laughed. Then she rested her forehead on my hospital bed and started to cry.

“Oh, Sara, I thought you were dead. You passed out and I couldn’t get you to wake up. All I could think was that you were going to die believing I hated you.”

I patted the back of her soft hair. “I know you don’t hate me. And I don’t hate you either — even when you piss me off. Lauren says you and I are a lot alike and that’s why we fight so much.”

Melanie’s head popped up. “We’re not alike at all.”

“That’s what I said.” We eyed each other.

She said, “Oh, fuck.”

When Lauren brought me some clothes from the house, I filled her in about my visit with Melanie.

“I think we might be okay. I’m sure we’re still going to fight, but at least we’re talking about it now. I still wonder how John knew all that stuff about Ally, but I never really thought Melanie had anything to do with it and now I’m positive.” Lauren turned away and started unpacking my bag.

“Evan should get you some herbal teas for when you get home.”

“Lauren?”

She continued unpacking. “Peppermint will help your stomach. And get some herbal cleansers from the health food store — they’ll help with the toxins.”

“Lauren, can you look at me for a minute?”

She turned around with a pair of my pants in her hands. I scanned her smiling face and her too-bright eyes. My stomach fluttered.

“Do you know something?” My voice was still raspy from the tube.

“About what?” Lauren’s wholesome face isn’t built for lies.

“What did you do, Lauren?”

She stood there a moment, then dropped into the chair beside my bed.

“I didn’t know it was him.”

“What happened?”

Her mouth turned down. “A man called and said he was from the newspaper and he was researching what children are interested in these days for an article. He said he got my name from a parent I know — Sheila Watson, she’s a neighbor — so I told him about the boys. Then he asked if they had any relatives, and when I said they had