Still Missing

five months, and I was pretty sure that was too late for an abortion, but I didn't think I could have gone through with one no matter how I felt about the baby. I wondered how my family and Luke would feel about my being pregnant. I couldn't see Luke cuddling my rapist's child in his arms and welcoming it into his life. I was having a hard enough time seeing myself doing that.

You'd think I would have liked it when The Freak was gone, but every day I was more anxious. Waiting for the door to open, praying for the door to open. I hated him, but I couldn't wait to see him. I was completely dependent on him.

Not knowing how long he was going to be, I rationed out the food he'd left. He wasn't there to tell me what time to eat, so I tried to follow my body's rhythm, but I was hungry all the time. I know a lot of pregnant women feel sick in the beginning, but I never felt nauseous, just sleepy and famished.

All my life I'd preferred to be outside as much as possible--I went swimming every night in the summer and skied every weekend in the winter. But there I was, staring at four walls. I constantly paced back and forth on one side of the cabin. Years ago I saw a bear in a zoo who kept running along the fence, one end to the other. He'd worn a deep groove in the ground. I remember wondering if he'd rather be dead than live a life like that.

When I wasn't pacing, I leaned on the walls and wondered what was on the other side, or sat in the bathroom with an eye pressed to my hole in the wall. If the sun was out, the hole made a small spot of light on the back of the bathroom door, and I spent hours watching it inch its way down until it disappeared.

Without him there were no novels, so I made up cinematic fantasies. I visualized my mom at home praying I was okay, talking to the police, pleading for my return on TV. I could see Christina and Luke combing the woods for me every weekend with Emma trying to pick up my scent. Best of all, I saw Luke breaking down the cabin door and lifting me up in his arms.

I imagined that Mom had even quit drinking and started a mom's search-and-rescue group like you see those mothers of missing children doing. I dreamed up an epiphany for her--realizing how she'd treated me my whole life, she wanted to make it all up to me. Once I was rescued, we'd be closer because of all this.

I never thought I'd miss Wayne's dumbass jokes and the way he sometimes ruffles my hair like I'm still twelve. But now I made bargains with God and promised that if I could just go home I'd listen to a thousand of his lame business ideas.

I spent a lot of time touching my stomach and wondering what the baby looked like. Some of the books showed pictures of the fetus at various stages and I thought every one of them was gross. I was pretty sure my baby would look good, but with The Freak as a father what kind of child would it be?

The Freak returned after five endless days.

'Sit down on the bed, Annie,' he said the minute he came in. 'We need to talk.' I sat with my back to the wall and he sat beside me, holding my hand.

'I went back to Clayton Falls, and I really wish I didn't have to tell you this....' He shook his head back and forth, slowly. 'But all the searches have been called off.'

No!

His thumb rubbed slow circles on my hand. 'Are you okay, Annie? I'm sure that was quite the blow.'

I nodded.

'I have to admit, I was surprised to see your house on the market so soon, but I suppose they feel it's time to move on.' Anger displaced shock at the thought of my house for sale--a Victorian three-story I fell in love with as soon as I saw its gorgeous stained-glass windows, nine-foot ceilings, and original hardwood floors. Could Mom do that? She'd never liked the house, thought it too old and drafty. Had Wayne helped her pound the for sale sign into the front yard? He was probably happy to be rid of his smart-ass stepdaughter.

'How did you find out?'

'It doesn't matter how, it matters that I care enough to tell you. I learned something else while I was there.' He paused. I knew he was waiting for my line, and I didn't want to play into his hands. But I had to know, which meant I had to ask.

'What else?' How are you going to hurt me next, you bastard?

'Something extremely interesting about Luke....'

This time I forced myself to remain silent. He broke after a couple of beats.

'It would seem he's already grown tired of waiting for you.'

'I don't believe you. Luke loves me--'

'Well, when I saw him walking with his arm around that lovely blond woman, and he leaned down to whisper in her ear, I don't think he was telling her how much he loved you, Annie.'

'You're lying, he wouldn't--'

'He wouldn't what? Can you honestly tell me you never wondered if sweet Luke was just too good to be true? He's weak, Annie.'

Mind reeling, I stared at the far wall.

The Freak nodded. 'But you're starting to see it now. What I saved you from.'

Was it possible Luke could already be dating someone else? There was one blond hostess, I couldn't remember her name but I'd thought she had a crush on him. He told me I was being silly.

The day before I was abducted, Luke hadn't sounded enthusiastic when I invited him over for dinner the next night. He was at the restaurant, and I figured he was just busy--or maybe thought I might have to cancel again. Had there been another woman even back then? No, there couldn't have been. Luke never once told me he was unhappy, and he didn't have a cheating cell in his body.

The Freak turned my chin so I was forced to make eye contact. 'I'm the only one you have left, Annie.'

He was just lying. All of this was his latest, best move in his sick game. He loved nothing more than to shake me up. Other people cared about me, lots of people. So I hadn't been a perfect girlfriend, especially right before I was abducted, but Luke wasn't going to replace me just like that. And Christina loved me--she'd been my best friend forever, I knew she wouldn't forget about me. Maybe Mom and I didn't always see eye to eye--she and Daisy always got along better--but she'd be devastated that I was missing. Selling my house didn't mean anything, if it was true. It was probably for reward money.

But, what if The Freak wasn't lying? What if they really weren't looking for me anymore? What if they'd all moved on? Luke might have a new girlfriend, one who didn't work all the time. Mom could be signing a deal on my house right now, Emma could have forgotten all about me too. Was she with Luke and this blonde? Everybody was going forward with their lives and I was going to be trapped with a crazy sadist-rapist forever.

The Freak made it seem so real, and what evidence did I have to prove any different? Nobody had found me, had they? I wanted to argue with him and convince him that other people loved me, but when I opened my mouth, nothing came out. Instead I remembered the dog pound.

I used to help out there--mostly just cleaning out kennels and taking dogs for walks. Some of the dogs had been abused and bit anyone who came near them. There were others that wouldn't let themselves give or receive affection no matter what, and some that became completely submissive and peed if you so much as raised your voice. Then there were the ones that had given up and just sat in their cages, staring at the wall when possible new owners came in.

This one dog, Bubbles, an ugly little thing with a skin condition, was there for ages, but as soon as anyone new came in he pranced up to the front of the cage like he was the most beautiful creature in the world. Always hopeful. I wanted to take him home, but I was living in an apartment at the time. Eventually I had to quit because of work, so I never got to see whether anybody adopted him. Now I was the dumb dog waiting for someone to take me home. I hoped they put Bubbles to sleep before he finally figured out no one was coming for him.

SESSION NINE

I stopped to get some gas on the way home from our last session, and up by the register, the shelves were loaded with bags of candy. I was never allowed anything like that on the mountain, and for so long I missed things, stupid little day-to-day things, then as time passed I stopped missing them, because I couldn't remember what I liked anymore. Standing there, looking at the candies, I remembered I liked them and rage boiled up inside me.

The girl behind the counter said, 'Is that all?' And I heard myself say, 'No,' and then my hands were scooping bags and bags of candy off the shelves--sours, jujubes, wine gums, jelly snakes, anything. People were standing