Still Missing

or brands I like. Anyway, even if I hadn't heard The Freak's voice telling me makeup is for whores, I couldn't bring myself to call that much attention to my face. I settled for moisturizer, light pink lip balm, and mascara. I probably didn't look as good as the old days but I'd definitely looked worse.

Luke, however, looked amazing when I answered his knock. He must have just come from work, because he wore black dress pants and a burnt-orange shirt that set off his warm olive skin and the amber flecks in his brown eyes.

Emma rolled over and wriggled at his feet. I answered his 'Hi' with a barely audible one of my own, then stepped back so he could come in. We stood awkwardly in my foyer. He raised an arm as though he was going to touch me or pull me in for a hug, then let it drop. Considering my reaction the last two times he tried to touch me, I wasn't surprised.

He crouched down to pet Emma. 'She's looking great, huh? I thought about bringing Diesel over but I didn't know if that'd be too much chaos.'

I told the top of his head, 'I'm not an invalid.'

'Never said you were.' Still crouched, he looked up and met my eyes with a smile. 'So, should we have a look at this program? And by the way, you're looking great yourself.'

I stared at him while my cheeks grew warm. A grin spread across his face. I twisted around so fast I almost tripped on Emma, and said, 'Let's go down to my office.'

The next hour whipped by as he showed me how to set up the program and we went through the system together. I enjoyed learning something new and was glad we had something to focus on besides each other--I was having a hard enough time adjusting to him sitting next to me. He was in the middle of explaining a section when I blurted out, 'That time you noticed me leaving the store? I saw you with a girl. That's why I was in such a hurry.'

'Annie, I--'

'And when you saw me in the hospital you were so fucking kind, with those flowers and that stuffed golden retriever, but I just couldn't deal--with you, with anything. After that I asked the nurses to tell you I was only allowed visits from family and the police. And I hate that I did that, it was so nice of you, you're always so nice, and I'm such a--'

'Annie, the day you were abducted...I was late for dinner.'

Well, that was news.

'The restaurant got busy and I lost track of time--I didn't even call when your open house ended like I usually did, and when I finally called on my way to your house a half hour late and you didn't pick up, I just thought you were mad. And when your car wasn't there, I assumed you got stuck with your clients, so I went home to wait. It wasn't until you still hadn't returned my calls an hour later that I finally headed over to where you said you were doing the open house....' He took a deep breath. 'God, when I saw your car in the driveway, then all your things just lying there on the counter...I called your mom right away.'

Turns out it was Mom who got the cops to take things seriously. She met Luke at the police station, convinced the desk sergeant I would never stand my boyfriend up, and was at the house when the cops found my purse in a closet, where I always put it for safekeeping. Since there weren't any signs of a struggle, Luke was their main suspect in the beginning.

'After a few weeks I started drinking at the restaurant almost every night after work.'

'But you hardly ever--'

'I did a lot of dumb things then, things I never would have done....'

I wondered what dumb things he was talking about, but he looked so awkward and red-faced I said, 'Don't beat yourself up, you handled it better than I probably would have. Are you still drinking a lot?'

'After a few months I knew I was relying on the buzz, so I quit. By then most people thought you were dead. I didn't feel like you were, but everyone was acting like you'd never be found and a lot of the time I was angry at you. I knew it was irrational, but in a way I blamed you. I never told you this, but I didn't like you doing open houses--that's why I usually called you after. You were so friendly, men can take that the wrong way.'

'But that was my job, Luke. You're friendly at the restaurant--'

'I'm a guy, though, and look, I had stuff I had to work out for myself. I went a little crazy.'

Emma butted her head between us and broke the tension. We gave her a few strokes, then I asked her where her ball was and she took off.

'I went out with the girl you saw a couple of times, but I ended up talking about you and the case, so I knew I wasn't ready. What I'm trying to say, Annie, is that I'm just as confused as you--and that we've both changed. But I do know I still care about you, still like being with you. I just wish I could help you more. You used to tell me how safe you felt with me.'

He gave a sad smile.

'I did feel safe with you, but now no one can make me feel safe. I have to get there on my own.'

He nodded. 'I can understand that.'

'Good, now can you help me understand this damn program of yours?'

He laughed.

About twenty minutes later we were done and just as I was debating whether to invite him to stay for dinner, he said he should get back to the restaurant. At the door he stepped toward me, hesitated for a second, then raised his eyebrows and--just slightly--his arms. I moved toward him and he folded me into a hug. For a minute I felt trapped and wanted to wrench free, but I buried my nose in his shirt and inhaled the aroma of his restaurant--oregano, baked bread, garlic. He smelled like long dinners with friends, like too much wine and laughter, like happiness.

Against my hair, he murmured, 'It was really good to see you, Annie.' I nodded and as we slowly pulled apart, I kept my eyes down until I'd blinked back the tears. Later, I wondered if he would have stayed for dinner if I'd asked, but my regret was balanced with relief over not having to hear him say no. I used to be so good at quick decisions, but ever since I killed The Freak I've lived in perpetual hesitation. I remember reading once that if you have a bird that's lived in a cage for a long time and you leave the cage door open, the bird won't leave right away. I never understood that before.

I'd fallen asleep on the bed, where I'd collapsed after killing The Freak, and the throbbing of my breasts woke me--my milk was still drying up. My first awareness was of the keys gripped in my hand. I'd held them so tight while I slept that they'd left marks in my skin. In my sleepy confusion over why I had the keys and fear that The Freak would catch me with them, I let go. The jingle they made falling onto the bed startled me out of my haze. He was dead. I'd killed him.

My bladder urged me to the bathroom, but I checked the watch and saw I had ten minutes to wait. When I tried to go anyway, my bladder froze. Ten minutes later, no problem.

On my way back to the bed, my leg brushed the baby's blanket on her basket. I picked it up and pressed my face into it, breathing in the last traces of her scent. My daughter was still out there--alone. I had to find her.

I pulled on a white dress and stuffed my bra with cloths dampened with cold water for breast pads. After grabbing some slippers, I headed back down to the river and searched its shores in either direction until trees or sheer cliffs blocked my path. From a distance, any pale boulders the size of a baby stopped my breath until I was close. A bundle of cloth snagged on a tree in the middle of the river had my knees wobbling until I waded out and realized it was nothing but rags. When I wasn't able to find any trace of her there, I examined the clearing inch by inch for any signs of disturbed earth but I couldn't find a thing.

I even dug my hands through the soft garden dirt surrounding the cabin--I wouldn't have put it past the sick bastard to bury her where we planted food--and crawled under the porch. Nothing. The only place I hadn't searched yet was the shed.

The summer sun had been beating down on the metal shed all morning, and as the door opened, the odor of his already decomposing body rushed toward me in a nauseating wave. I grabbed a gasoline-scented rag off the bench and held it against the bottom of my face. Then, concentrating on breathing through my mouth, I tiptoed past his body. Flies that had hitched a ride in with his corpse the day before hummed around the tarp, as loud as the generator.

With trembling hands I dug everything out of the freezer. She wasn't in there, and the shelves held nothing but lanterns, batteries, kerosene, and ropes. I found a trapdoor with stairs to a root cellar, its dank scent fresh