Still Missing

who grabbed me, Gary. Not knowing who may have done this is seriously screwing with my head--I'm doubting everyone. I even started wondering if it could be Christina and Luke just because of some crap my mom heard. How fucked is that?'

'What did your mom hear?'

'They didn't do it, Gary. It was just some stuff about that waterfront project I was supposed to get and that they were spending a lot of time together after I was gone. Apparently their finances were screwed up too, but that crap doesn't matter. My point is, this shit's making me insane.'

Gary stood up and paced around the room, rubbing his chin with one hand. 'What happened with that project again?'

I gave him the lowdown but ended with, 'Christina wouldn't do this to me, Gary.'

'If you want me to find who's responsible, I have to consider every scenario.'

'Well, that's not one.'

'How stable is her marriage?'

'It's fine, I think.... She doesn't say much about it, but that's probably just because of everything I'm going through.'

'And she was seen at the restaurant with Luke a lot?'

'Yes, but they're never together now, they were just meeting because they were trying to find me.'

Gary continued to pace.

'Why are you in Eagle Glen, by the way?' I said. 'Are you showing the sketch around still?'

'I just got here this afternoon and talked with the night staff. Tomorrow I meet with the day shift.'

'Do you have anything more on the guy? Was David his real name? You told me you'd fill me in as soon as you got his file, but you haven't called.'

'I'm getting some information from another department faxed over tomorrow. That's all I can tell you at this point.'

'I hate it when you use that cop talk. I'm shooting straight with you, it's the least you can do for me.'

Frustration and wine combined to erode what remained of my self-control, and I burst into tears.

With my head down to hide my face, I got up off the bed and walked toward the door, but Gary grabbed my arm as I passed and spun me around. I shoved at his chest with my free hand, but he didn't budge. The tears were gone now.

'Let me go, Gary.'

'Not until you calm down.'

I slammed the heel of my hand into his chest, a quick blow. 'Fuck you, Gary. I'm sick and tired of this bullshit. You cops sat there and did nothing the whole time I was gone and you're still giving me the runaround. I was raped almost every fucking night and you can't even give me a name? Don't you get it? Not only is my life fucked, but now I have to wonder if someone I know wanted it fucked. And you're going to stand there and tell me I don't have the right to know anything about the guy who did this?' This time I hit his shoulder. He didn't move. I hit him again.

He grabbed my wrist. 'Stop it.'

I glared at him. 'Stop being a jerk.'

'I'm telling you everything I can without compromising the case.'

'That's all this is to you, isn't it? Just a case.'

Now he looked angry. 'Do you know how many people go missing every year? How many children? And most of them don't come back. My older sister disappeared when I was just a kid and we never found her. That's why I got into the force--I didn't want anyone to go through what my family did.' He dropped my wrists. 'My marriage broke up because of this case.'

'I didn't know you were--'

'We were having some problems before you went missing, but we were trying to work them out. That's why I asked to be transferred here from the mainland. But not long after I got here you were abducted and I put so many hours on your case...She walked out a month before you came home.' A rueful laugh. 'She told me I was so busy looking for other people I don't see the ones standing right in front of me.'

'I'm sorry, Gary, about everything. I know I'm being a bitch. But I'm just so fucked up. I don't know who to trust anymore. Someone wants me dead, and--' My voice broke and I started to cry.

Gary stepped forward and wrapped his arms around me. My face is about the same height as his chest, and his chin was on top of my head. The rumble of his voice moving up through his chest vibrated against my cheek.

'No one is going to hurt you, Annie. I won't let that happen, okay?'

I peeled my face off his chest and looked up at him. His eyes were dark and his arm around my back burned through my shirt. It felt good to lean into the power of his body and I wanted to absorb his strength and take it with me. Our eyes locked.

On my tiptoes, I stretched my body against him and pressed my lips to his. For a second his mouth didn't yield, and then he muttered, 'Oh, shit.'

With Luke everything was always sweet and soft, passionate but never intense. Gary and I kissed with quiet desperation. With both hands around my bottom, he lifted me up against him, then lowered me onto the bed. When he leaned over me with both arms braced on either side of my body, The Freak flashed before my eyes and I froze. Gary gave me a searching look and started to stand back up, but I pulled him down on the bed beside me, pushed him onto his back, crawled on top of him, and gripped the bedding on either side of his face. We lay like that for a second, my body aware of every inch of him and my heart thudding against his chest. His arms were rigid as they held me up slightly under my rib cage and his legs tensed as though he was about to lift me away from him.

With my cheek pressed to his, I whispered into his ear, 'I have to...be in control. It's the only way I can...'

Relaxing his body, he cupped my face with one of his hands, then turned it toward him until I was forced to make eye contact. His voice ragged yet still gentle, he stroked his thumb against my cheekbone.

'Are you sure you want to do this, Annie? If this is as far as you want to go, I'm okay with that.'

A shiver of fear slid through me, but I turned my face into his hand and bit down softly on the fleshy part of his thumb. Then I leaned down, my hair curtaining us, and pressed my lips to his.

But as soon as he began to kiss back harder, holding my butt and grinding my groin against his, panic rose in me, and I froze again. He sensed the change and started to say something, but I pinned his hands above his head and, my face burning in humiliation, murmured against his mouth.

'You can't touch me...you can't move.'

I wasn't sure he understood, but his lips relaxed, and when I moved my mouth against his, he didn't kiss back. Pressing and pulling, tugging and nibbling, I worked his lips. Sliding my tongue into his mouth, I stroked and sucked until he moaned.

I took off our clothes until we were both in our underwear and kissed his chest, softly dragged my hair back and forth until his nipples hardened and his skin broke out into goose bumps. Straddling him, I held eye contact as I brought his hand to my breasts and stroked around my nipples with it, moving his hand down over my rib cage, and then, as I grew more comfortable, between my legs. I caressed myself with his hand--the first hand to touch there, including my own, since The Freak. When my body began to respond in a wave of pleasure I wasn't quite ready to surf, I moved his hand back to cup my breast. I kissed him again, hooked my toes into his boxers, and slid them down. Then, still kissing, I drew my pan ties down and kicked them off.

Holding his arms above his head, our foreheads touching, I lay still on top of him and rested my lips just slightly over his, feeling his hot breath moving in and out, mixing with my own. His skin was burning, feverish, and a fine sweat coated both our bodies. At first his breathing was ragged, but he smoothed it out, holding it in check, for me.

Lifting myself up onto my toes, I opened my legs, then shifted down, sliding myself onto him. He didn't enter me, I took him.

His breath caught in his throat, and I paused, heart fluttering, waiting for him to lose it, to flip me on my back and pound at me, to thrust up, to do something. But he didn't. And I wanted to cry. At his gift.