We still have some time left, but I'm finished. And, yes, I remember we're missing next week's session because of Christmas. Just as well--I need a break from this crap. To tell you about it, I have to go back there. Denial is a whole lot easier. Well, at least I can fool myself into thinking it is...for about half a second. Avoiding this shit is like closing a door on a raging river. Little trickles of water start coming through the cracks, and next thing you know, the door blows off. Now that I'm letting some of the water through, will the door come crashing in? If I unleash everything that's inside me, will I go floating down the river with it? Well, for now I think I'm going to go home and have a hot shower. And after that, I'll probably have another one.
SESSION FOUR
How was your Christmas, Doc? Hope Santa brought you something good. Dealing with a head case like me every week should've guaranteed you a spot on his 'nice' list. Me? Well, despite my best intentions to avoid any form of holiday merriment or good cheer, it came knocking on my door. Literally. Some Boy Scouts came by selling Christmas trees, and maybe I was inspired by your wreath--or hell, maybe just by their being brave enough to knock on the only door with no Christmas lights--but somehow I ended up buying one. Always was a sucker for guys in uniform.
Problem was Mom had gotten rid of all my decorations, and every time I thought about going into a store...well, even if people didn't still stare at me like I have an elf growing out of my ass, I'd pretty much rather dance barefoot on broken ornaments than go into a store this time of year. Got so tired of looking at the damn tree sitting sad and naked in the corner that I dragged it down to the shelter in town. Figured someone might as well enjoy it.
Hell, there wasn't anything to put under it anyway. I told my friends and family I didn't want any presents, and I didn't go to any Christmas parties. I consider that my gift to the general public. No need to bring everyone else down. Compared to last year, this holiday's a raging success.
The morning after The Freak tried to rape me he made me shower with him. He washed me off like a child and didn't miss an inch. Then he made me wash him--all of him.
I had to stand facing the wall with my back to him when he shaved his body. I lusted after the razor. I wanted to slice his dick off. This time he didn't shave me. 'Shaving is for bath time,' he said. After we got out, he brought me some clothes.
'What did you do with my suit?'
'Don't worry, you never have to go into the office again.'
He smiled. Today's choice was sexy underwear again, in bridal white, and a shift dress in a country pattern with little pink hearts on a cream-colored background. Something I never would have picked out--way too sweet and cute for me. After he gave me some flimsy slippers to wear, he sat me down on the stool while he made breakfast--porridge with dried blueberries. While I ate, he sat across from me and explained all my new rules. Actually, first he explained how truly screwed I was.
'We're miles away from any human being, so even if you did escape you'd never last outside longer than a couple of days. And if you're worried about how we'll survive, there's no need. I've taken care of everything. We'll live off the land, and the only time you have to be alone is when I go hunting or into town for supplies.' I perked up--into town meant a vehicle.
'You'll never be able to find the van and even if you did, I've ensured you won't be able to start it.'
'How long do you plan on keeping me here? You're going to run out of money eventually.'
His smile grew.
'I don't deserve this, my family doesn't deserve this. Just tell me what I have to do so you'll let me go. I'll do it--I swear--whatever it is.'
'I've tried to play women's games before, with some unfortunate results, but I won't make that mistake again.'
'The perfume smell in the back of the van, on the blanket...is there another woman? Did you--'
'Don't you understand what a fantastic gift this is? This is your
'I don't understand
He shrugged. 'An opportunity arose and there you were. Sometimes good things happen to good people.'
'This isn't a
'What exactly did I take you away from? Your boyfriend? We've already discussed him. Your mother? In general I find people rather tedious, but watching you two have lunch? People reveal so much through their body language. Your only real relationship is with your dog.'
'I have a
'No, you merely existed. But I'm giving you a second chance and I suggest you pay attention--there won't be a third. Every morning after breakfast we'll have exercise time, then a shower. We had one before breakfast today, but there'll be no deviations from the schedule in the future.'
He walked over to the wardrobe and unlocked it.
'I'll be choosing your clothes for the day.' He held up a couple of dresses cut like the one I was wearing, one with navy hearts on a powder-blue background and the other just solid pale pink. My hatred for pink was escalating. Stacks of what was probably the same dress in various colors filled the top shelf. He reached back in and pulled out a lavender wool cardigan. 'Winters can be cold up here.'
Several sets of the same outfit he was wearing, beige shirt and pants, lined the lower shelf. And to the side I spotted a couple of beige sweaters. He noticed the direction of my gaze, smiled, then said, 'You're the only color I need,' and rolled right on.
'After you're dressed, I'll go outside and do my chores--yours are inside. You'll wash the dishes, make the bed, and do the laundry.' He took a plate out of the cupboard and slammed it against the counter. 'Incredible, isn't it? Made by the same company as the glass.' Next he pulled out a pot and swung it through the air like a baseball bat. 'Light as a feather, and in one piece too. I don't know how they do it.' He shook his head.
'I'll spray down all the surfaces myself.' He unlocked the cupboard under the sink and brought out a bottle of house hold cleaner. I noticed it was biodegradable but didn't recognize the brand.
'The cleaning fluid will be locked up at all times and you'll never be allowed to handle hot water or any utensils I feel are unsafe. After you're done with your cleaning duties, I expect you to finish your personal grooming. Your fingernails, which are a mess, must be perfect, and I'll file them for you. Your feet should be soft and your toenails painted. Women should have long hair, so I'll rub conditioner in yours to help it grow faster. You won't be wearing any makeup.
'Our day will start at seven a.m., lunch is at twelve sharp, and afternoons will be spent studying any books I require you to learn. I'll inspect your chores at five, dinner will be at seven, and after dinner you'll clean up again and then read to me. After reading hour, I'll bathe you, then it's lights out at ten o'clock.'
He showed me a small pocket watch with a timer on it, like a stopwatch, that he kept on a key chain in his front pocket. No other clocks were in the cabin, so I never knew what time it was unless he told me.
'You'll be allowed to relieve yourself four times a day. These breaks will be supervised, and the bathroom door will be left open. In fact...' He glanced at the watch. 'It's your first bathroom break now.' I took the long way around the kitchen, putting as much space between him and me as possible. 'Annie. Don't forget to leave the door open.'
After I'd been there a couple of days he was outside when I decided to sneak in a pee. He came back in just after I'd flushed the toilet, so it was still running. I stood by the bed, trying to look like I was straightening it up. I thought maybe he wouldn't hear the toilet, but just as he started to turn on the kitchen tap and fill up a cup he paused, cocked his head, then went into the bathroom. Within seconds he stomped toward me, his face red and lips twisted into a snarl. I cringed in the corner, then tried to dart past him, but he grabbed my hair.
He dragged me to the bathroom and made me kneel in front of the toilet. Then he lifted the lid and shoved my head down, smashing my forehead into the toilet seat. He yanked my head back up by my hair while he reached around with his free arm and filled the cup with toilet water. He crouched behind me, forced my head to tilt back,
