The Apocalypse Codex

Lockhart shakes his head. “That’s the wrong question.”

“What’s the right one, then?”

“The right question,” he pauses for a final mouthful of soup, “is why Her Majesty’s Government has suddenly become of interest to Raymond Schiller. And in particular, why our prime minister is hosting a prayer breakfast for the pastor the day after tomorrow.” He puts his spoon down and fixes Hazard with a chilly stare. “There are aspects of Pastor Schiller’s mission that were not on display at the arena. Call it the uncut, X-rated version of yesterday’s PG performance. As you can imagine, we find his faith disturbing.”

McTavish fixes me with a lazy smile. “Are you a man of faith, Mr. Howard?”

“In a manner of speaking.” I use my napkin to wipe my lips while I work out how much I can say without Lockhart putting me on latrine duty afterwards. “I’m fully aware of the One True Religion. I know where I stand with respect to it.” I stare right back at him. “And I know what to do with worshipers when I find them.”

His smile widens. “We must get together and compare notes some time.”

Hazard cuts across us: “If you gentlemen have quite finished? I believe we still have a main course to eat.” She smiles indulgently. “You can continue plotting deicide later. I, for one, am looking forward to the Hoisin duck…”

Jesus, that woman’s got a strong stomach, I think as the waiters come to clear away our starters and Lockhart looks at me and gives a stiff, very quick nod.

Little do I suspect what’s in store for dessert.

5. BASHFUL INCENDIARY

I KEEP MY GOB SHUT UNTIL WE GET BACK TO LOCKHART’S OFFICE. He shuts the door and flips the security lamp switch—to warn passers-by not to enter—then turns to me. “Sit down, Mr. Howard. I must congratulate you on not giving away the entire kitchen sink, along with the silver teaspoons…”

I sit on the edge of the hard visitor’s chair. I will confess to a slight degree of tension. There will be an exam: no shit, Sherlock. The real question is, who is examining whom?

“Do Operational Oversight know about this?” I ask bluntly.

Lockhart’s response is characteristically terse. “They aren’t cleared to supervise Externalities. We answer directly to Mahogany Row. The Auditors keep an eye on us, in case you were wondering about accountability.”

Great. Just when I thought things couldn’t get any dicier, it turns out we’re going behind the backs of the folks normally charged with keeping us on the straight and narrow, because the Big Bad themselves are giving us the hairy eyeball. “So, let me see if I’ve got things right…You’ve got wind of a televangelist who is in too tight with the Prime Minister. He’s got, at a minimum, some rudimentary talent; at worst, he may be a cultist. The PM is completely and utterly off-limits, so we’re going to set up a surveillance op that bypasses Operational Oversight specifically so we can violate our organization’s equivalent of the prime directive. Right?”

“Not exactly.” The caterpillar is unamused. “We are going to obey the letter of the law, Mr. Howard, and don’t you forget—”

“I’m so glad to hear that—” I begin before I realize he’s got more to say: “I’m sorry?”

“What did I tell you about using your ears?” I bite my tongue and give him the nod he’s waiting for. “When you’re not filling the external assets’ ears with your own opinions…anyway. As I was saying, we are bound to obey the law. The Laundry does not snoop on the PM or his associates. Caesar’s wife and all that. Nor does the Laundry employ external contractors.”

Then what was lunch about? I manage not to ask; instead I nod, trying to fake a thoughtful expression.

“It is possible that from time to time outside interlopers who, I emphasize, do not work for the Laundry, and who feature nowhere in our org chart, might take an interest in people associated with Number Ten. Wild cards, loose cannons.” Lockhart aims for the arch expression of a Sir Humphrey Appleby: on his round face it looks as authentic as a six pound note. “In which case we would of course be required to investigate them: strictly to ensure that the PM’s security was not violated, you understand.”

“Outside interlopers like BASHFUL INCENDIARY and her pet thug?” I stare at him in ill-concealed disbelief.

“You appear to be slightly perturbed.” Lockhart walks behind his desk and sits, stiffly. “Would you care to explain why, Mr. Howard?”

You gave me the dossier—I flap my mouth: noises come out. Get a grip, Bob. “Where shall I start?”

“At the beginning.” Lockhart laces his fingers together. “Tell me about BASHFUL INCENDIARY, then explain why you are uneasy.”

“Huh. Okay, then. We have a woman with no history before the age of eight. She first appears on the scene in Bosnia during the war, already aged eight, via a refugee camp. Doesn’t speak and is believed to be mute. After four months in the camp a couple of teenage thugs try to rape her. The UN peacekeepers notice the aftermath of the incident but write it off as a freak accident; by the time someone asks what sucked the soul out of two gangbangers, she isn’t there anymore. To this day, it’s an open question—precocious talent or a protective agency? There are isolated reports over the next two years. Living with a family of Roma in Albania, caught begging in Trieste, shoplifting in Milan. She slips through the net every time. Then, a year later, the trail firms up. She is formally adopted by Alberto and Marianne di Fonseca, whose lawyers convince the magistrate that despite the lack of paperwork it’s in the kid’s best interest for her to have a stable, loving, and fairly well-off family.”

I take a deep breath. “The di Fonsecas are persons of interest: a professor of theoretical mathematics and a former fortune teller with a reputation as a witch. He’s titled—duke of a historic statelet that hasn’t existed since the eighteenth century. There’s old money and influence there, not to mention his membership in a politically influential but very secretive masonic lodge—”

Lockhart makes a cutting gesture: “Fast-forward, if you please.”

“Okay. Our ten-year-old girl is enrolled in an expensive Liceo Scientifico where her academic performance goes from subpar in the first year to meteoritic in the second and subsequent. By fifteen she was taking her, ah, diploma di scuola superiore—ready to enter university four years early. Wednesday Addams, the Italian remix: a quiet, reserved pupil, doesn’t make many friends, spends holidays at home with her adoptive parents. Pay no attention to the word among the local lads about town that she’s a, a succubus; probably she’s just very good at creeping out teenage boys who hit on her.

“She’s staying with the di Fonsecas in their holiday villa—but not at home on the evening of July 19, 2002, when they are murdered. The murderers are gunmen reported variously to be members of the Palermo Mafia, the Brigado Rosso, or the Red Skull Cult, depending on who you ask. The girl, aged sixteen, is the sole survivor. Her claim to have been out on the town at the time is accepted by the local magistrates. She inherits roughly two million euros and the contents of the di Fonsecas’ library, changes her legal name, and moves out.”

I draw a deep breath. “Fast-forward two years—I’ll back up in a minute—and two badly decomposed bodies are dredged from a lake in Tuscany. DNA evidence places them at the scene of the massacre. The remains show signs of paranormal intervention.” That’s Laundry-speak for they were chewed on by extradimensional horrors.

“Inconclusive.” Lockhart frowns. “What next?”

How to summarize…? Oh, that’s easy. “She embarks on a five-year reign of terror. Instead of going to university, from September 2002 through to November 2007 BASHFUL INCENDIARY ran the most successful private occult intelligence service in history. The Hazard Network. An eighteen-year-old genius with a private income, the looks of a model, and a knack for identifying and hiring raw talent. She is, as it turns out, a very talented ritual practitioner”—one who risks their own cerebral cortex by working magic, raw, by force of will—“with a speciality in sex magic and, if that isn’t sickening enough, she’s a