Are You Experienced?

‘Here we are.’

There was a silence.

Since there didn’t seem to be much to discuss, I walked over and kissed her. In order to keep my oral mutilation to a minimum, I tried to undress her at the same time, which turned out to be a process rather like unwrapping a mummy, and wasn’t exactly something you could casually do with one hand while trying to get your other hand into the bra. I eventually came up with a technique where she stood still, and I walked round and round her with an ever-swelling bundle of cloth, kissing her each time I went past her face. This was perfectly entertaining, but I didn’t feel it exactly made for great foreplay.

We finally ended up on the bed, dressed in only our pants, doing the old writhe-around-and-grunt-a-lot thing that you do when you’re trying to pretend you’re turned on. When Fee started making the grunts that you do when you really are turned on, I started to feel a bit embarrassed.

‘What about Caz?’ I said.

We stopped for a moment, sat up and observed Caz, who was sitting bolt upright in a chair, staring at the opposite wall and rocking slightly faster than usual.

‘She’s fine,’ said Fee. ‘She’s not even looking.’

‘Can we just leave her there?’

‘What else can we do?’

‘I don’t know. Doesn’t it make you feel a bit weird?’

‘Not really. I’m used to it.’

‘I’ve never been watched before, you know.’

‘We could put her in the bathroom.’

‘No – that would feel worse.’

‘She’s not actually looking. Besides, you might find it’s a turn-on.’

‘All right. I’ll get a condom.’

‘No. Don’t.’

‘What – are you on the Pill?’

‘No. I want to have non-penetrative sex.’

‘Non-penetrative sex? What the fuck is non-penetrative sex?’

‘Sex without penetration, obviously.’

‘How can you have sex without penetration?’

‘You do… other things.’

‘It’s a contradiction in terms. Like non-bike cycling.’

She shut me up by snogging me a little more, then giving me a blow-job. This was all quite embarrassing, because whenever I opened my eyes, I kept on seeing Caz. After a while, I noticed that Caz wasn’t even staring at the wall any more – she had swivelled round and was staring right at me, her eyes slightly narrowed and red with anger. It’s genuinely off-putting to have someone stare you in the eye while you’re trying to enjoy fellatio, but fortunately Fee’s disastrous snogging technique. made for fantastic head, so my concentration wasn’t too badly dented, and I ended up coming right in her mouth. She instantly spat it out on to the carpet, which I thought was a bit rude, and asked me if I had any chewing-gum or sweets. The only thing I could find was some hash, so we had a joint to get the taste out of her mouth – which was a relief because all the sexual vibes evaporated, so I didn’t really feel I had to return the favour.

‘Are you sure Caz is all right?’ I said.

She was still staring at us, her eyes now even redder, burning with what looked suspiciously like psychotic fury.

‘She can’t really sleep in an upright position, unfortunately. Is there room in here for her? She doesn’t take up much space.’

‘I suppose so. But you go in the middle. I don’t want to go anywhere near her. She looks nutty.’

‘Don’t worry. She’s probably just tired.’

We finished the joint, then Fee made me turn my back while she undressed Caz and ushered her into our bed.

The following morning I was woken up by the sounds of an argument coming through the wall.

‘No, no, no. Absolutely not,’ a man was shouting. ‘This kind of thing cannot be permitted. We are not some kind of cheap brothel. You people have no morals.’

I then heard Ranj’s voice float clearly through the wall. ‘It’s my room, I can do what I want.’

‘It’s my hotel, and I simply can’t allow it. Ordering four breakfasts from a single room is most irregular, and the poor young man who delivered the food is still in shock at the sight which greeted him. I must think of my staff first and I am going to have to eject you from the hotel.’

‘Is there a rule book, or something? It doesn’t say anywhere that you can’t share your bed.’

‘On your registration form, it expresses the right of the management to dispose of undesirables, and this is what I am doing.’

I then heard the door to Ranj’s room shut, and a few seconds later, there was a knock on mine.

‘Come in,’ I called, assuming it was Ranj.

An Indian man in a smart suit timidly entered the room.

‘I’m terribly sorry to disturb you, sir, but I am afraid that due to a problem with your compatriot, I will be having to terminate…’ As his sentence tailed away, I saw the colour drain from his cheeks. ‘Oh, my God! Heavens above! This one’s at it too!’ He turned his back, and started to rant in the direction of the door. ‘It’s a three-in-a- bed! I thought I’d seen everything, but now I have two English gentlemen entertaining multiple girls on the same night. First it’s a gang-bang, and now I find a three-in-a-bed. This is just the limit. Please – the pair of you will be out of my hotel in less than half an hour. You people are animals. You have no morality whatsoever.’

‘You don’t understand. We weren’t… I mean she’s just… That’s just her friend. We couldn’t leave her in the chair.’

‘I’m not interested in your practices. Just leave my hotel, and never darken its doors again.’

With that, he marched out and slammed the door.

Ranj then appeared in my room, with a huge grin on his face, followed by the three Swedes, dressed only in bra and panties.

‘This is hilarious,’ he said. ‘I’ve never been chucked out of a hotel before.’

‘But we weren’t…’

‘And he got you as well. We were listening through the wall, pissing ourselves.

First a gang-bang, now a three-in-abed

. Priceless.’

‘We weren’t, though. There just wasn’t anywhere else for Caz to sleep.’

‘Whatever. This hotel’s a boring shit-heap, anyway. How about we join up with these fine young ladies at the Moon Cottage Hotel? It’s right down by the beach.’

‘Will you pass me my boxers?’

He chucked over some underwear, which I put on under the sheet. I noticed that Caz had somehow slept through the whole thing, while Fee was seemingly in shock – staring at the wall opposite and generally acting a bit like Caz.

I got out of bed and gave her a gentle pat on the arm.

‘Fee? I think you should get up.’

‘No,’ she said.

‘Pardon?’

At that moment, her mouth opened wide, and she started yelling at the top of her voice. ‘NOOOOOOO! I CAN’T! I CAN’T GET OUT OF BED! THIS IS THE MOST COMFORTABLE BED IN THE WORLD! I CAN’T! I CAN’T I CAN’T I CAN’T! NOOOOOOO!’

The hotel manager charged back into the room.

‘WHAT IS THIS RACKET? YOU…’ Then, catching sight of the half-naked Swedes, he spun round to face the wall. ‘Oh my God! This is too much! I cannot cope with this.’ Now

he

was almost crying. ‘Please. Clothe these women. I simply cannot have it. And this noise is simply intolerable…’

‘NOOOOOOO! I CAN’T GO! I CAN’T GO!’