Are You Experienced?

to have been saying ‘I’, which I took as an ominous sign.

That evening, both of them turned up at the pub together, arm in arm. My heart sank. I had no idea what she had told him about our trip, and how much I would be able to say without contradicting her.

James was significantly skinnier than I remembered him, and his neat hair had been transformed into a straggly mop which dangled in blonde waves on either side of his now tuftily bearded face. He was wearing sandals, jeans and a stretched, misshapen T-shirt. He used to look like Richard Clayderman as school prefect, but now he was Jesus-with-a-hangover as student-union rep.

Liz was wearing a short skirt and a body-hugging top that made my balls gurgle. The sari and the red spot had vanished.

As soon as James saw me, he screamed my name across the whole length, of the pub, then bounded over and gave me a hug. This was rather intimidating, since it meant that either he still didn’t know what had happened, or he knew everything, and was biding his time before he planted a knife in my back. Liz smiled and gave me a peck on the cheek. There was no trace of India left in her body language.

With James at the bar queuing for drinks, the atmosphere instantly thickened. Liz stared at me blankly, giving nothing away, while I stared at her, trying to guess what on earth she could be thinking.

‘You ditched the sari, then?’ I said, eventually.

‘What’s it to you?’

I shrugged.

‘Have you told him?’ I said.

‘Told him

what?’

‘About us.’

‘There’s nothing to tell.’

‘Right. Silly me.’

‘I just said that we went, had fun and came back.’

‘You didn’t even tell him that we separated?’

‘No.’

‘Why not?’

‘Because I don’t want to have to lie to him, so I told him about the trip without really mentioning you.’

‘You lied to him because you don’t want to have to lie to him.’

‘Oh, God. Here we go again. Dave and his tedious games.’

‘Don’t start, Liz. I’d just like to know what I can and can’t say.’

‘As little as possible, if you can manage that for once.’

‘Oh, so I’m the talkative one now, am I? That’s rich.’

‘Drop it. He’s coming back.’

James arrived at the table to find us shining brittle smiles at one another. Liz put her arm around him and, for my benefit, gave him a sexy kiss on the neck.

‘You’re a lucky man,’ I said, with a sarcasm pitched only for Liz.

‘I certainly am,’ said James, smiling wanly and stroking her arm.

‘So how was your trip, then?’ I said.

‘Incredible. Best thing I’ve ever done. And yours?’

‘Yeah – good. You know, there were a few difficult bits, but – basically – it was an amazing experience.’

‘Liz somehow persuaded you to leave cosy little England ?’

‘Somehow.’

‘How did she do it, then? You always said you never wanted to go further away than Watford.’

‘You know – she’s a persuasive person.’

‘You’re telling me.’

‘It was a mutual decision,’ said Liz. ‘A marriage of convenience.’

‘And you two got on OK ?’

There was a longlish pause in which we avoided catching one another’s eye.

‘Like a house on fire,’ I said, in a tone of voice which made it sound like a distinctly odd metaphor for social harmony.

A silence descended, with James eyeing us suspiciously.

‘Did something happen?’ he asked.

‘Like what?’ I said.

‘Between you two.’

Liz and I both looked at our glasses.

‘I’m getting a weird feeling,’ James continued, ‘that you two…’

‘What?’ Liz’s lips were pursed, white with tension.

‘… didn’t get on, or something.’

I felt myself and Liz both deflate slightly with relief. James wasn’t about to guess the truth.

Then I suddenly wondered why I should feel relieved. I didn’t have to lie for Liz. I was under no obligation to her. She had treated me like an arsehole and had deserted me in the middle of India. There was no reason why I had to lie on her behalf in order to help sustain her doomed, dishonest relationship. I had almost forgotten the vital fact that I hated her guts. The only real issue was my friendship with James, but if he carried on going out with Liz, then that was all over, anyway.

In a sudden, light-headed moment, I realized that I had nothing to lose. I could have some fun.

‘You know what?’ I said, with a grin. ‘I thought you were going to say that you thought we’d slept together.’

James burst out laughing. I burst out laughing. Confusion running riot over Liz’s features, she also forced out a few chuckles and began to bite her nails.

When the laughter died down, I smiled at her and said, ‘Did

you

think he was going to say that?’

She gave me an evil stare by way of an answer.

‘You didn’t get on, did you?’ said James.

‘Oh, we got on well at first,’ I said. ‘We were very close, weren’t we?’

I was enjoying this. Liz was suffering like I’d never seen her suffer before. For the first time since we had become friends, I was in control.

‘James,’ said Liz, in a suddenly sharp tone of voice, ‘we have to leave.’

‘Why?’

‘Because I can’t sit round a table with this creep any longer.’

‘Are you being serious?’ he said.

‘I don’t want to come between you and your friends, but if he’s going to act like this, I’m just going to have to tell you the truth about what happened.’

The grave look on her face brought James up short, and he began to look worried. ‘What did happen?’ he said.

‘I didn’t want to have to tell you, because I knew it would upset you Basically, Dave and I went to India as friends, but from the moment we landed he didn’t stop pestering me for sex.’

‘WHAT?’I screamed.

‘He used the threat of abandoning me as a way to try and wheedle sexual favours out of me. I did my best to fend him off, but he was so persistent that in the end, the only thing for me to do was to run away.’

James’s face went red with rage.

‘For fuck’s sake, James. You don’t believe that, do you?’

He glared at me.

‘The girl’s a pathological liar. You know that as well as I do.’

James was now squirming in his chair with anger and confusion.

‘Dave,’ he said finally. ‘I’m a pacifist, but I’m going to have to do this.’

‘What?’

He stood up and punched me in the face.