Wish You Were Here

And that was a touchy point.

Or perhaps his very first thought had been that, though this letter came from the army, from the Ministry of Defence, it came, in a sense, from Jebb, bearing that crossed-out address. It was like several letters that had reached them for a while. It was an arrangement you made—or El ie had made it, and the same for Westcott—with the Post Office.

But those letters had petered out years ago, which was just as wel , since each time (even if it wasn’t someone demanding money) it couldn’t help but hurt and accuse him to see those words—“Jebb Farm”—on the envelope.

Now, with this letter, they were like a stab.

Since Tom had never known that. Whether or not he’d ever received any of those other letters or cared, if he had, what was in them. Jack had never written with that bit of information. It had been his decision. Since Tom had never appeared at the funeral, or ever replied. Since he didn’t even know any more where Tom was.

Or El ie’s decision. Lots of his decisions were real y hers.

Maybe most. Though he could have said it, nonetheless, been the first to raise the subject, that afternoon, “There’s Tom, El . What about Tom?”

AND NOW IT DIDN’T matter anyway. Because there wasn’t any Tom. Because that letter that had been a little delayed in reaching him, having been addressed to Jebb Farm, informed him that Corporal Thomas Luxton, along with two others of his unit, had been kil ed “on active duty” in Iraq, in the Basra region of operations, on 4th November 2006. It informed him that, failing other attempts to contact him directly, this news was being communicated by letter with the deepest regret, and that every effort would have been made prior to his receipt and acknowledgement of this notification to have kept Corporal Luxton’s name from public disclosure. It very respectful y asked that Mr. Jack Luxton make himself known as soon as possible—a special direct-line telephone number, as wel as other numbers and addresses, was given—so that arrangements could be made for Corporal Luxton’s (and his comrades’) repatriation, which, for operational reasons, would in any case be pending clearance by the in-situ military authorities.

It was a grey, murky autumn morning, the sort of day on which it can be good to know that a holiday under hot, rustling palms is in the offing. Palm trees, for some reason, had flashed through Jack’s mind and had made him blurt out that stupid thing about cancel ing the Caribbean.

Perhaps it occurred to him as he stared at that letter that he might already have read, without knowing it, as an item in a newspaper—though he was not a great scourer of newspapers—the anonymous announcement of his own brother’s death. Public disclosure. But no, he couldn’t remember any moment when his insides had turned mysteriously cold. And though, by now, such items of news weren’t so rare, he’d always told himself that Tom might be anywhere.

On the other hand, he might have made enquiries. Not so difficult, not so unreasonable. Being next of kin, for God’s sake. And he’d known that some such message as he held now in his hand was not out of the question. Now that it was in his hand it had the eerie, mocking truth of something not entirely unanticipated. His hand shook. As if the anticipation might have forestal ed it. As if the anticipation might have caused it.

And the fact is he’d known, before, what was in it. This was the thought that, before al the others, sprang up to overwhelm him. That his heart had started banging, as if it had jumped loose in his chest, even before he’d opened the envelope.

And when he’d passed it to El ie, he’d known that she, too, knew already what was in it. There’s such a thing as body language. And that tone in his voice when he’d cal ed up to her. She looked miffed, al the same, to have been dragged from her task. He’d always had a struggle whenever he tried to get that damn duvet cover on. And when she looked at the letter he’d known at once from her face that she wasn’t going to make it any easier for him. It wasn’t easy in the first place, but she wasn’t going to make it any easier. She wasn’t going to make it any easier because one thing he could see in her face was that she thought that this made things easier anyway. It drew a neat and simple and permanent line. And the fact is, if he were honest, he’d had the same thought too, just the tiniest flash of it. But what for El ie was a thought that made things easier was for him like a trap snapping on him. The very fact that he could even think it.

People could help by dying. Yes, they could. No, they couldn’t. He could see that El ie’s position was going to be that this was his, Jack’s, business, he shouldn’t dump it on her. Next of kin, and El ie wasn’t. El ie, when al was said, and despite that marriage ceremony ten years ago in Newport, was a Merrick. He could see that El ie’s position, if he pushed her, was going to be that he had helped Tom make his departure al those years ago, had seen Tom off.

And wasn’t the last thing he’d wanted, or wanted these days anyway, was for Tom to show his face again?

Jack could see al this even as he felt himself starting to tremble inside. Even as he had the briefest but clearest picture of Tom standing right there, in the doorway of Lookout Cottage, grinning and looking bigger than he used to be. In a soldier’s uniform. Anyone at home?

The last thing he’d wanted? No.

This was al his fault, Jack had thought, this letter and al it might mean was his fault. He thought it even as El ie passed the letter back to him. It even seemed like a letter he hadn’t just opened but had been keeping in his pocket for some time and had only just decided to show her. Like that letter she’d shown him, the blue sky at the window, at Jebb. Here, read this.

He thought it even as she moved towards him, because she could see now he was actual y trembling. Not just his hand. His shoulders were shaking, his chest was heaving.

Even as El ie put her arms round him and held him—she smelt of clean cotton—and pressed her mouth to the side of his neck and said, “It’s okay, Jacko, it’s okay.” And what did that mean—just that it was okay for a grown man to cry?

Even as the hot tears came gushing out of him—they had to

—out of Jack Luxton’s eyes, that were stony-grey and, most of the time, cool and expressionless like his father’s. Wel , people weren’t fucking cattle.

10

RAIN WEEPS DOWN the window in front of him, but Jack isn’t crying now. And he’d put a stop to his tears soon enough on that grey morning. He’d gasped them back into himself and wiped a sleeve across his face even before El