“But I don’t understand,” Coffin howled. “Nobody else seems to notice anything—”
“Yet,” said Phillip, “we were the first three to take the Coffin Cure, remember? You, and me and Jake. Two months ago.”
Coffin’s forehead was beaded with sweat. He stared at the two men in growing horror. “But what about the others?” he whispered.
“I think,” said Phillip, “that we’d better find something spectacular to do in a mighty big hurry. That’s what I think.”
Jake Miles said, “The most important thing right now is secrecy. We mustn’t let a word get out, not until we’re absolutely certain.”
“But what’s happened?” Coffin cried. “These foul smells, everywhere. You, Phillip, you had a cigarette this morning. I can smell it clear over here, and it’s bringing tears to my eyes. And if I didn’t know better I’d swear neither of you had had a bath in a week. Every odor in town has suddenly turned foul—”
“Magnified, you mean,” said Jake. “Perfume still smells sweet—there’s just too much of it. The same with cinnamon; I tried it. Cried for half an hour, but it still smelled like cinnamon. No, I don’t think the smells have changed any.”
“But what, then?”
“Our noses have changed, obviously.” Jake paced the floor in excitement. “Look at our dogs! They’ve never had colds—and they practically live by their noses. Other animals—all dependent on their senses of smell for survival—and none of them ever have anything even vaguely reminiscent of a common cold. The multicentric virus hits primates only—and it reaches its fullest parasitic powers in man alone!”
Coffin shook his head miserably. “But why this horrible stench all of a sudden? I haven’t had a cold in weeks —”
“Of course not! That’s just what I’m trying to say,” Jake cried. “Look, why do we have any sense of smell at all? Because we have tiny olfactory nerve endings buried in the mucous membrane of our noses and throats. But we have always had the virus living there, too, colds or no colds, throughout our entire lifetime. It’s always been there, anchored in the same cells, parasitizing the same sensitive tissues that carry our olfactory nerve endings, numbing them and crippling them, making them practically useless as sensory organs. No wonder we never smelled anything before! Those poor little nerve endings never had a chance!”
“Until we came along in our shining armor and destroyed the virus,” said Phillip.
“Oh, we didn’t destroy it. We merely stripped it of a very slippery protective mechanism against normal body defences.” Jake perched on the edge of the desk, his dark face intense. “These two months since we had our shots have witnessed a battle to the death between our bodies and the virus. With the help of the vaccine, our bodies have won, that’s all—stripped away the last vestiges of an invader that has been almost a part of our normal physiology since the beginning of time. And now for the first time those crippled little nerve endings are just beginning to function.”
“God help us,” Coffin groaned. “You think it’ll get worse?”
“And worse. And still worse,” said Jake.
“I wonder,” said Phillip slowly, “what the anthropologists will say.”
“What do you mean?”
“Maybe it was just a single mutation somewhere back there. Just a tiny change of cell structure or metabolism that left one line of primates vulnerable to an invader no other would harbor. Why else should man have begun to flower and blossom intellectually—grow to depend so much on his brains instead of his brawn that he could rise above all others? What better reason than because somewhere along the line in the world of fang and claw he suddenly lost his sense of smell?”
They stared at each other. “Well, he’s got it back again now,” Coffin wailed, “and he’s not going to like it a bit.”
“No, he surely isn’t,” Jake agreed. “He’s going to start looking very quickly for someone to blame, I think.”
They both looked at Coffin.
“Now don’t be ridiculous, boys,” said Coffin, turning white. “We’re in this together. Phillip, it was your idea in the first place—you said so yourself! You can’t leave me now—”
The telephone jangled. They heard the frightened voice of the secretary clear across the room. “Dr. Coffin? There was a student on the line just a moment ago. He—he said he was coming up to see you. Now, he said, not later.”
“I’m busy,” Coffin sputtered. “I can’t see anyone. And I can’t take any calls.”
“But he’s already on his way up,” the girl burst out. “He was saying something about tearing you apart with his bare hands.”
Coffin slammed down the receiver. His face was the color of lead. “They’ll crucify me!” he sobbed. “Jake— Phillip—you’ve got to help me.”
Phillip sighed and unlocked the door. “Send a girl down to the freezer and have her bring up all the live cold virus she can find. Get us some inoculated monkeys and a few dozen dogs.” He turned to Coffin. “And stop sniveling. You’re the big publicity man around here; you’re going to handle the screaming masses, whether you like it or not.”
“But what are you going to do?”
“I haven’t the faintest idea,” said Phillip, “but whatever I do is going to cost you your shirt. We’re going to find out how to catch cold again if we have to die.”
It was an admirable struggle, and a futile one. They sprayed their noses and throats with enough pure culture of virulent live virus to have condemned an ordinary man to a lifetime of sneezing, watery-eyed misery. They didn’t develop a sniffle among them. They mixed six different strains of virus and gargled the extract, spraying themselves and every inoculated monkey they could get their hands on with the vile-smelling stuff. Not a sneeze. They injected it hypodermically, intradermally, subcutaneously, intramuscularly, and intravenously. They drank it. They bathed in the stuff.
But they didn’t catch a cold.
“Maybe it’s the wrong approach,” Jake said one morning. “Our body defenses are keyed up to top performance right now. Maybe if we break them down we can get somewhere.”
They plunged down that alley with grim abandon. They starved themselves. They forced themselves to stay awake for days on end, until exhaustion forced their eyes closed in spite of all they could do. They carefully devised vitamin-free, protein-free, mineral-free diets that tasted like library paste and smelled worse. They wore wet clothes and sopping shoes to work, turned off the heat and threw windows open to the raw winter air. Then they resprayed themselves with the live cold virus and waited reverently for the sneezing to begin.
It didn’t. They stared at each other in gathering gloom. They’d never felt better in their lives.
Except for the smells, of course. They’d hoped that they might, presently, get used to them. They didn’t. Every day it grew a little worse. They began smelling smells they never dreamed existed—noxious smells, cloying smells, smells that drove them gagging to the sinks. Their nose-plugs were rapidly losing their effectiveness. Mealtimes were nightmarish ordeals; they lost weight with alarming speed.
But they didn’t catch cold.
“I think you should all be locked up,” Ellie Dawson said severely as she dragged her husband, blue-faced and shivering, out of an icy shower one bitter morning. “You’ve lost your wits. You need to be protected against yourselves, that’s what you need.”
“You don’t understand,” Phillip moaned. “We’ve got to catch cold.”
“Why?” Ellie snapped angrily. “Suppose you don’t—what’s going to happen?”
“We had three hundred students march on the laboratory today,” Phillip said patiently. “The smells were driving them crazy, they said. They couldn’t even bear to be close to their best friends. They wanted something done about it, or else they wanted blood. Tomorrow we’ll have them back and three hundred more. And they were just the pilot study! What’s going to happen when fifteen million people find their noses going bad on them?” He shuddered. “Have you seen the papers? People are already going around sniffing like bloodhounds. And now we’re finding out what a thorough job we did. We can’t crack it, Ellie. We can’t even get a toe hold. Those antibodies are
