“Have you run through the stack yet?” Miss Blanche asked.
“Er—just about.” Colihan looked at her guiltily. He pushed his glasses back on the bridge of his nose. “Couple more here,” he said.
“Well, we might as well finish up. Mr. Moss would like to have the schedule completed this afternoon.”
“It will be. That’s all, Miss Blanche.”
His secretary shrugged and left. Colihan went to the Personnelovac with the record in his hand. The file number was 630.
“Don’t let me down,” he told the Brain.
He placed the pin-holed card into the machine and flipped the lever. It winked, chittered, chortled, and chuckled with almost sinister softness. When the card was burped out at the other end, Colihan took it out with his eyes firmly shut.
He walked over to the Action Chute mechanically. His hand hesitated before he dropped it inside. Then he changed his mind, walked back to the desk, and tore the pink card into the smallest possible shreds.
The inter-com beeped.
“Mr. Moss wants you,” said his secretary.
“Colihan!”
“Yes, sir?”
“Don’t act so innocent, Colihan. Your report isn’t complete. It should have been ready by now.”
“Yes, sir!”
“You’re not ACTING, Colihan. You’re stalling!”
“No, sir.”
“Then where’s your Personnelovac report, Colihan? Eh? Where is it?”
Colihan wrung his hands. “Almost ready, sir,” he lied. “Just running it through now, sir.”
“Speed it up. Speed it up! Time’s a’wastin’, boy. You’re not afraid, are you, Colihan?”
“No, sir.”
“Then let’s have it. No more delay! Bull by the horns! Expect it in an hour, Colihan. Understand?”
“Yes, sir!”
The boss clicked off. Colihan groaned audibly.
“What can I do?” he said to himself. He went to the Brain and shook his fist helplessly at it. “Damn you!” he cursed.
He had to think. He had to THINK!
It was an effort. He jerked about in his swivel chair like a hooked fish. He beat his hands on the desk top. He paced the floor and tore at the roots of his hair. Finally, exhausted, he gave up and flopped ungracefully on the office sofa, abandoning himself to the inevitable.
At that precise moment, the mind being the perverse organ it is, he was struck by an inspiration.
The Maintainovac bore an uneasy resemblance to Colihan’s own think-machine. Wilson, the oldest employee of General Products, had been the operator of the maintenance Brain. He had been a nice old duffer, Wilson, always ready to do Colihan a favor. Now that he had been swept out in Colihan’s own purge, the Personnel Manager had to deal with a new man named Lockwood.
Lockwood wasn’t so easy to deal with.
“Stay out of my files, mister,” he said.
Colihan tried to look superior. “I’m the senior around here, Lockwood. Let’s not forget that.”
“Them files is my responsibility.” Lockwood, a burly young man, stationed himself between Colihan and the file case.
“I want to check something. I need the service records of my Brain.”
“Where’s your Requisition Paper?”
“I haven’t got time for that,” said Colihan truthfully. “I need it now, you fool.”
Lockwood set his face like a Rushmore memorial.
“Be a good fellow, can’t you?” Colihan quickly saw that wheedling wasn’t the answer.
“All right,” he said, starting for the door. “I just wanted to help you.”
He opened the door just a crack. Sure enough, Lockwood responded.
“How do you mean, help me?”
“Didn’t you know?” Colihan turned to face him. “I’m running through an aptitude check on the Personnelovac. Special department head check. Mr. Moss’s orders.”
“So?”
“I was just getting around to yours. But I figured I’d better make sure the Brain was functioning properly.” He grew confidential. “You know, that darned machine has been firing everyone lately.”
A little rockslide began on Lockwood’s stoney face.
“Well…” he said. “If that’s the case—”
“I knew you’d understand,” said Colihan very smoothly.
Eagerly, the Personnel Manager collated the records of the Personnelovac. They were far more complex than any employee record, and it took Colihan the better part of an hour.
Any moment he expected to hear the President’s angry voice over the inter-com. His anxiety made him fumble, but at last, the job was done.
He slipped the record, marked by a galaxy of pinholes, into the Brain.
“Now we’ll see,” he said grimly. “Now we’ll find out what’s eating this monster.”
He flipped the switch.
The Personnelovac winked.
It was several minutes before it digested the information in its chamber. Then it chittered.
It chortled.
It chuckled.
Colihan held his breath until the BURP came.
The card appeared. It read:
“Subject #PV8. Mech. Rat. 9987. Mem. Rat. 9995. Last Per. Vac.
“An. None. Cur. Rat. 100.
“Analysis: Subject operating at maximum efficiency. Equipped to perform at peak level. Is completely honest and does not exhibit bias, prejudice, or sentiment in establishing personnel evaluations. Cumulative increase in mnemonic ability. Analytic ability improving.”
Colihan walked slowly over to the Action Chute as he finished reading the card.
“However,” it read, “because of mechanistic approach to humanistic evaluation, subject displays inability to incorporate human equation in analytical computation, resulting in technically accurate but humanistically incorrect deductions.
“Recommendation: Fire him.”
Colihan dropped the pink card into the chute. In half an hour, the Action wheels of General Products concluded their work, and the Personnelovac had winked for the last time.
HELPFULLY YOURS
by Evelyn E. Smith
Tarb Morfatch had read all the information on Terrestrial customs that was available in the Times morgue before she’d left Fizbus. And all through the journey she’d studied her Brief Introduction to Terrestrial Manners and Mores avidly. Perhaps it was a bit overinspirational in spots, but it had facts in it, too.
So she knew that, since the natives were non-alate, she was not to take wing on Earth. She had, however,
