Ingeborg Swedenborg!”
I cannot help myself. I rush to the doorway. There, behold, the incomparable Ingeborg herself! She follows the headwaiter to a choice table. She is even more ravishing in real life than on the screen. On her, it does not matter that she has no feathers save on the head—even skin looks good. Overcome by involuntary ardor, I boo at her. Whereupon I am violently assailed by a powerfully built native whom I have not previously noticed to be escorting her.
I am rescued before he can do me any permanent damage, though, if you wish the truth, it will be a long time before I can fly again. However, I am given notice by the cold-hearted management. Now I am without a job. And what is more, if on this planet one is not permitted to express one’s instinctive and natural admiration for a beautiful woman, then all I have to say is that it is a lousy planet and I wiggle my toes at it. How do I go about getting deported?
Impatiently yours,
Rajois Sludd
“Oh, I suppose it serves him right,” Tarb said quickly, before Stet could comment, “but don’t you think it would be a good idea if the Times got up a Fizbian-Terrestrial handbook of its own? It’s the only solution that I can see. The regular one, I recognize now, is more than inadequate, with all that spiritual gup—” Miss Snow drew in her breath sharply—“and not much else. All these problems are bound to arise again and again. Frankly speaking, Stet, your solutions only take care of the individual cases; they don’t establish a sound intercultural basis.”
He grunted.
“What’s more,” she went on eagerly, “we could not only give copies to every Fizbian planning to visit Earth, but also print copies in Terran for Terrestrials who are interested in learning more about Fizbus and the Fizbians. In fact, all Terrans who come in contact with us should have the book. It would help both races to understand each other so much better and—”
“Unnecessary!” Stet snapped, so violently that she stopped with her mouth open. “The standard handbook is more than adequate. Whatever limitations it may have are deliberate. Setting down in cold print all that… stuff you want to have included would make a point of things we prefer not to stress. I wouldn’t want to have the Terrestrials humor me as if I were a fledgling or a foreigner.”
He leaped out of his chair and paced up and down the office. One would think he had forgotten he ever could fly.
“But you are a foreigner, Stet,” Tarb said gently. “No matter what you do or say, Terrestrials and Fizbians are—well, worlds apart.”
“Spiritually, I am much closer to the Terrestrials than—but you wouldn’t understand.” He and Miss Snow nodded sympathetically at each other. “And you might be interested to know that I happen to be the author of all that ‘spiritual gup.’ I wrote the handbook—as a service to Fizbus, I might point out. I wasn’t paid for it.”
“Oh, dear!” Tarb said. “Oh, dear! I really and truly am sorry, Stet.”
He brushed her apologies aside. “Answer that letter. Ignore the question about deportation entirely.” He ran a foot through his crest. “Just tell the fellow to see our personnel manager. We could use a chef in the company dining room. Haven’t tasted a decent celestial ragout—at a price I could afford—since I left Fizbus.”
“Would you want me to print that reply in the column?” she asked. “’If you lose your job because you’re unfamiliar with Terrestrial customs, come to the Times. We’ll give you another job at a much lower salary.’”
“Of course not! Send your answer directly to him. You don’t think we put any of those letters you’ve been answering in the column, do you? Or any that come in at all, for that matter. I have to write all the letters that are printed—and answer them myself.”
“I should have recognized the style,” Tarb said. “So this is the service the Times offers to its subscribers. Nothing that would be of help. Nothing that could prevent other Fizbians from making the same mistake. Nothing that could be controversial. Nothing that would help Terrestrials to understand us. Nothing, in short, but a lot of birdseed!”
“Impertinence!” Miss Snow remarked. “You shouldn’t let her talk to you like that, Mr. Zarnon.”
“Tarb!” Stet roared, casting an impatient glance at Miss Snow. “How dare you talk to me in that way? And all this is none of your business, anyway.”
“I’m a Fizbian,” she stated, “and it certainly is my business. I’m not ashamed of having wings. I’m proud of them and sorry for people who don’t have them. And, by the stars, I’m going to fly. If skirts are improper to wear for flying, then I can wear slacks. I saw them in a Terrestrial fashion magazine and they’re perfectly respectable.”
“Not for working hours,” Miss Snow sniffed.
“I have no intention of flying during working hours,” Tarb snapped back. “Even you should be able to see that the ceiling’s much too low.”
Stet ran a foot through his crest again. “I hate to say this, Tarb, but I don’t feel you’re the right person for this job. You mean well, I’m sure, but you’re too—too inflexible.”
“You mean I have principles,” she retorted, “and you don’t.” Which wasn’t entirely true; he had principles—it was just that they were unprincipled.
“That will be enough, Tarb,” he said sternly. “You’d better go now while I think this over. I’d hate to send you back to Fizbus, because I’d—well, I’d miss you. On the other hand….”
Tarb went back to her office and drafted a long interstel to a cousin on Fizbus, explaining what she would like for a birthday present. “And send it special delivery,” she concluded, “because I am having an urgent and early birthday.”
“Tarb Morfatch!” Stet howled, a few months later. “What on Earth are you doing?”
“Dictating into my scripto,” Tarb said cheerfully. “Some of the boys from the print shop helped fix it up for me. They were very nice about it, too, considering that the superscriptos will probably throw them out of work. You know, Stet, Terrestrials can be quite decent people.”
“Where did you get that scripto?”
“Cousin Mylfis sent it to me for my birthday. I must have complained about wearing out my claws on a typewriter and he didn’t understand that scriptos won’t work on Earth. Only they do.” She beamed at her employer. “All it needed was a transformer. I guess you’re just not mechanically minded, Stet.”
He clenched his feet. “Tarb, Terrestrials aren’t ready for our technology. You’ve done a very unwise thing in having that scripto sent to you. And I’ve done a very unwise thing in keeping you here against my better judgment.”
“Maybe the Terrestrials aren’t ready,” she said, ignoring his last remark, “but I’m not going to wear my feet to the bone if I can get a gadget that’ll do the same thing with no expenditure of physical energy.” She placed a foot on his. “I don’t see how a thing like this could possibly corrupt the Terrestrials, Stet. It’s made a better, brighter girl out of me already.”
“Hear, hear!” said Drosmig hoarsely from his perch.
“Shut up, Senbot. You just don’t understand, Tarb. If you’ll only—”
“But I’m afraid I do understand, Stet. And I won’t send my scripto back.”
“May I come in?” Miss Snow tapped lightly on the door frame. “Is what I hear true?”
“About the scripto?” Tarb asked. “It certainly is. All you have to do is talk into it and the words appear on the paper. Guess that makes you obsolete, doesn’t it, Miss Snow?”
“And high time, too,” commented Drosmig. “Never liked the old biddy.”
“Senbot….” Stet began, and stopped. “Oh, what’s the use trying to talk reasonably to either of you! Tarb, come back to my office with me.”
She could not refuse and so she followed. Miss Snow, torn between curiosity and the scripto, hesitated and then made after them.
“I’ve decided to take you off the column—for this morning, anyway—and send you on an outside assignment,” Stet told Tarb. “The consul’s wife is coming to Earth today. Once she heard there was another woman on Terra, nothing could stop her. Consul seems to think it’s my fault, too,” he added moodily. “Won’t believe I had nothing to do with hiring you. I told the Home Office not to send a woman, that she’d disrupt the office, and you sure as hell have.”
“But I thought you said in your letters that you were doing everything in your power to bring Fizbian
