“Show her the titties I bought you,” I urged my wife, proud of my purchase. She tore off her blouse to reveal a flat tummy and two monster mounds. “With a rack like that, you could have any man in the world.”
I wasn’t sure if she was laughing or crying. “Take off her clothes so I can see what the rest of her looks like.”
My wife undressed her mother and my dick flopped around like a break dancer.
“My python doesn’t lie,” I told her, as she watched my cock harden at the sight of her. I picked her up cuz girls liked to be held. But she’s so pretty my dick starting poking her like a mugger looking for a wallet. She grabbed my schlong and I heard a moan so deep that I thought we needed an exorcist. Well, now I needed to get me some, so I kissed my mother-in-law’s neck and worked my way to her lips. For such a reserved lady, she sure surprised me by grabbing my head with both hands and thrusting her tongue down my throat. How’d she know I loved that?
My wife guided us to the bed and made me lay on my back. Her mother got between my legs and tried to get my penis in her mouth. My wife walked her through it while I smiled at the ceiling. I guess she heated up too much, cuz she suddenly mounted me. My wife helped her get it in.
“Ooooooof!” my wife’s mother said once my penis head expanded her hole.
“Go slow, mama!” my little Mexican urged her.
It took a long time and I couldn’t be happier, seeing my wife so happy. By the time she got the whole thing in, she looked like she ran a marathon. She leaned forward to make it easier to go up and down, but after just a minute she opened her mouth to scream, and nothing came out. Fuck, I thought my dick killed her. It wouldn’t be the first time.
Nope! She just came for the first time in her life.
“What was that?” she asked, terrified by her body’s reaction. My wife said something in Spanish. “That’s an orgasm? You mean, all this time I could have been having those? Damn your father to hell!”
“Would you like another?” I asked, cuz I liked making them happy.
“I can have another?”
I laughed. “You can have as many as you want. I’d do anything to make my wife happy. Like when she told me to tear grandpa’s arms off when he demanded sex. I barely dislocated his shoulder when he apologized.”
My mother-in-law rode me to another one, finally getting the hang of it. Too exhausted to continue, I threw her on all fours and fucked her doggy until she screamed into the pillow. Then I flipped her over and pounded her missionary until her body shook like a baby rattle. By then she had an odd smile, like those mannequins who look like they want to talk. Finally, I laid on my back and pulled her on top of me in a 69. My wife taught me how to give oral sex — yeah, it took a long time, and I got the scratches to prove it. I now showed off my expertise on my mother-in-law’s pussy and she flipped and flopped like a fish in a net while trying to suck my used pole. When she exploded onto my face, it took her several minutes to recover. My wife recorded everything to show her father how real men please women.
“I also married him for that,” she told her mother.
I still needed to get off. My wife taught me never to cum unless she finished first, but now it was my turn. I planted a knee on either side of my mother-in-law’s head and spanked my monkey like Tarzan. The poor lady looked scared, so my wife whispered to her in Spanish. It must have worked because she opened her mouth when I said I was gonna blow. I hadn’t cum since before I went to work, so I had a full load. I emptied myself in her mouth. My first shot must have filled some cavities from the surprised look on her face. She swallowed in order to clear her air passage, then bobbed on my pole to drain me of every drop, like a bulldog locked on the mailman’s ankle.
“Cum tastes so much better after several orgasms!” she concluded happily.
Another satisfied customer.
My wife thus shared me with her mother, who enjoyed me so much that she moved in to help take care of the kids. She’d make me a delicious empanada for every orgasm I gave her, so I kept her busy in the kitchen. Our kids even learned Spanish, which made me real proud.
I knew my wife liked me because she always wanted to have sex. She’d lock the door and tell the kids to fuck off. Shit, I’d do anything she asked. She called me her fucking machine. People talk in front of me, so I know lots of women say they love their man, but they don’t fuck them every day, so my girl must love me something special.
CHAPTER 5
Grandpa’s death bummed me out cuz it meant I had to see my parents at the lawyer’s office. I never understood why the most religious people are also the angriest. I thought every mommy and daddy loved their children, but mine just treated me like everything was my fault. Like it was my fault grandpa owned their church building, or my fault that my wife determined their rent. Or my fault pappy didn’t leave them millions of dollars.
My pretty Mexican gave me more hugs in an average day than my mommy and daddy gave me my entire life. So when father slapped my wife after the lawyer read the Will, I pinned him to the wall at eye level to give him time to cool down. With my hand around his throat and his feet a foot off the floor, he calmed down real quick.
In his Will, grandpa said he “disowned” his son because he was such a disappointing arrogant asshole, so I told him the same thing: “Daddy, I hereby disown you.”
If I knew that would make my little girl so happy, I would have done it years ago. My oldest, who’s smart as a whip, stood by my side and said, “I disown you, too.” My other two kids quickly followed. My two year old girl sounded so sweet, with a hand on her hips and the other waving a finger at him.
My girl said she was the happiest wife in the world, but I don’t know: Mrs. Stevenson, the meth dealer, always seemed pretty happy when I bought my weekly bag.
My ex-father apparently didn’t like that grandpa ordered his coffin buried in the cemetery by the church, but closest to the entrance. Motion detectors triggered a laugh track so he could literally have the last laugh on his judgmental son.
Dad, as a strict social conservative, always said he opposed abortion in all cases, but now he says he would have made an exception for me. “With great power comes great responsibility — unless you’re God,” he would say in his frequent depressions.
My mother had such big white teeth and was so high-strung that she could pass for a piano. The only time I ever heard her laugh was when the attorney read out his Last Will. She and my wife were the only ones laughing since I understood less than my two year old.
For once, I wasn’t the one who jumped out the second story window. Mom hates the wheelchair she now has to ride, so I got myself one so we could form a convoy. A really short convoy. She tries to get rid of me, but I got the better scooter cuz she’s poor. She says she hates me but I don’t believe her since she’s too polite to ever say what she feels.
My kids hate my parents while I can barely care what they think — I blame all the drugs. They hate self- righteous judgmental hypocrites and blame my parents for how I turned out. I personally don’t have any complaints — like Woodstock, I can’t remember my childhood much.
I blame my wife for how my kids turned out: beautiful, wonderful, and over-achieving. They grew up hearing that if they didn’t do better in school, that they’d end up like me. Not all my neurons fire correctly, but even I knew that was bullshit.
Ever since they learned of their inheritance, my kids have loved me to death. Fortunately they don’t have to wait until my death to spend it since I’m lucky to control my bowels, much less my life. Grandma can’t even do that, and yet everyone calls me stupid.
CHAPTER 6
When they threw me naked in the jail cell, it dawned on me that this is not how my wife wanted to spend our 25 th wedding anniversary. I didn’t mind the jail cell, but I wish they’d get me some clothes. Or at least close the
