A Month in the Country

ago, a gentleman --a regular son of the soil--by way of fun at the dinner-table, stuck a radish in my hair. What do you think I did? Why, on the spot, without any show of anger, you know, in the most courteous manner, I challenged him to a duel. The son of the soil almost had a stroke, he was so terrified; our host made him apologize--it made a great sensation. As a matter of fact, I knew beforehand that he wouldn't fight. So you see, Lizaveta Bogdanovna, my vanity's immense; but my life's not been much. My talents are not great either. . . . I got through my studies somehow. I'm not much good as a doctor, it's no use my pretending to you, and if you're ever taken ill, I shan't prescribe for you myself. If I'd had talent and a good education, I should have bolted to the capital. For the aborigines here, no better doctor is wanted, to be sure. As regards my personal character, Lizaveta Bogdanovna, I ought to warn you: at home I'm ill-humoured, silent and exacting, I'm not cross as long as everything's done for me to my satisfaction; I like to be well fed and to have my habits respected; however, I'm not jealous and I'm not mean, and in my absence, you can do just as you like. Of romantic love and all that between us, you understand it's needless to speak; and yet I imagine one might live under the same roof with me ... so long as you try to please me, and don't shed tears in my presence, that I can't endure! But I'm not given to fault-finding. There you have my confession. Well, what do you say now?

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA. What am I to say to you, Ignaty Ilyitch? ... If you have not been blackening your character on purpose to ...

SHPIGELSKY. But how have I blackened my character? Don't forget that another man in my place would, with perfect complacency, have kept quiet about his faults, as you've not noticed them, and after the wedding, it's all up then, it's too late. But I'm too proud to do that. [LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA glances at him.] Yes, yes, too proud . . . you needn't look at me like that. I don't mean to pose and lie before my future wife, not if it were for a hundred thousand instead of fifteen thousand, though to a stranger I'm ready to humble myself for a sack of flour. I'm like that. . . . I'll smirk to a stranger while inwardly I'm thinking, you're a blockhead, my friend, you'll be caught by my bait; but with you, I say what I think. That is, let me explain; I don't say everything I think, even to you; but at any rate, I'm not deceiving you. I must strike you as a very queer fish certainly, but there, wait a bit, one day I'll tell you the story of my life and you'll wonder that I've come through as well as I have. You weren't born with a silver spoon in your mouth, I expect, either, but yet, my dear, you can't conceive what real hopeless poverty is like. . . . I'll tell you all about that, though, some other time. But now you had better think over the proposition I have had the honour of laying before you. . . . Consider this little matter well, in solitude, and let me know your decision. So far as I can judge, you're a sensible woman. And by the way, how old are you?

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA. I ... I ... I'm thirty.

SHPIGELSKY [calmly]. And that's not true, you're quite forty.

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA [firing up], I'm not forty, only thirty-six.

SHPIGELSKY. That's not thirty, anyway. Well, Lizaveta Bogdanovna, that's a habit you must get out of ... especially as thirty-six isn't old for a married woman. And you shouldn't take snuff either. [Getting up.] I fancy the rain has stopped.

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA [getting up also]. Yes, it has.

SHPIGELSKY. And so you'll give me an answer in a day or two?

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA. I will tell you my decision to-morrow.

SHPIGELSKY. Now, I like that! That's really sensible! Bravo! Lizaveta Bogdanovna! Come, give me your arm. Let us go indoors.

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA [taking his arm]. Let us go.

SHPIGELSKY. And by the way, I haven't kissed your hand . . . and I believe it's what's done. Well, for once, here goes! [Kisses her hand. LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA blushes.] That's right. [Moves towards door into garden.]

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA [stopping]. So you think, Ignaty Ilyitch, that Mihail Alexandritch is really not a dangerous man?

SHPIGELSKY. I think not.

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA. Do you know what, Ignaty Ilyitch? I fancy that for some time past Natalya Petrovna ... I fancy that Mr. Beliayev. . . . She takes a good deal of I notice of him . .. doesn't she! And Verotchka too, what do you think? Isn't that why to-day? . . .

SHPIGELSKY [interrupting her]. There's one other thing I've forgotten to tell you, Lizaveta Bogdanovna. I'm awfully inquisitive myself, but I can't endure inquisitive women. That is, I'll explain. To my thinking, a wife ought to be inquisitive and observant only with other people (indeed it's an advantage to her husband). . . . You under-stand me--with others only. However, if you really want to know my opinion concerning Natalya Petrovna, Vera Alexandrovna, Mr. Beliayev, and the folks here generally, listen and I'll sing you a little song. I've a horrible voice but you mustn't mind that.

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA [with surprise]. A song! SHPIGELSKY. Listen! The first verse:

'Granny had a little kid,

Granny had a little kid,

A little grey kid!

Yes, she did, yes, she did!'

The second verse:

'The kid would in the forest play,

The kid would in the forest play,

Yes, I say, yes, I say,

He would in the forest play.'

LIZAVETA BOGDANOVNA. But I don't understand. . . . SHPIGELSKY. Listen then! The third verse:

'The grey wolves ate that little kid [skipping about]

The grey wolves ate that little kid,

They ate him up, they ate him up,

Yes, I say, they ate him up.'

And now let us go. I must have a talk with Natalya Petrovna, by the way. Let us hope she won't bite me. If I'm not mistaken, she still has need of me. Come along.

[They go out into the garden]

KATYA [cautiously coming out from behind the column], They've gone at last! What a spiteful man that doctor is . . . talked and talked and what didn't he say? And what a way to sing! I'm afraid Alexey Nikolaitch may have gone back indoors meanwhile... . Why on earth need they have come in here! [Goes to the window] So Lizaveta Bog-danovna is to be the doctor's wife. . . . [Laughs] So that's it! ... Well, I don't envy her. . . . [Keeps looking out of window] The grass looks as though it had been washed. . . . What a nice smell . . . it's the wild cherry. . . . Oh! here he comes! [After waiting a moment.] Alexey Nikolaitch! . . . Alexey Nikolaitch!

BELIAYEV [behind the scenes]. Who's calling me? Oh! is it you, Katya? [Comes up to window.] What do you want?

KATYA. Come in here. . . . I've something to say to you.

BELIAYEV. Oh! very well. [Moves away from window and a moment later comes in at door.] Here I am.

KATYA. Aren't you wet?

BELIAYEV. No . . . I've been sitting in the greenhouse with Potap . .. he's your uncle, isn't he?

KATYA. Yes, he's my uncle.

BELIAYEV. How pretty you are to-day! [KATYA smiles and looks down. He takes a peach out of his pocket] Would you like it?

KATYA [refusing]. Thank you very much ... eat it yourself.

BELIAYEV. I didn't refuse your raspberries when you gave me some yesterday. Take it, I picked it for you . . . really.

KATYA. Oh! thank you very much. [Takes the peach.]