Loud! She whipped me something fierce that time. Brought me back inside by the hand, told me to get to work on my chores and keep my mouth shut. My father was watching us when we came in. Sissy went back in the bedroom. I saw her taking one of her nightgowns out of her drawer. My father went back there too.'
She drew on the cigarette again, the flame close to her hand.
'My father was real drunk one day. Late in the afternoon, swamp shadows across the back of the house. I heard him fighting with Sissy when I came back home. I swear I'll kill you, Sissy told him. He just laughed at her. Slapped her hard across the face. I went after him. He threw me off, but I got up again. Sissy and me fought him until he was out of wind. He just lay there on the floor, looking up at us. I'll be back tonight, he told Sissy, I'll be back, and I'll take what's mine.
'He staggered out the door. Sissy grabbed me, took me to the back of the house. Your time has come, she told me. She took out a suitcase. I didn't even know she had one. Put all your clothes in this, she told me. Don't argue. I helped her fill it up. I thought we were going to run away together. We snuck out the back, into the swamp. Sissy showed me a marker on a cypress tree, where she'd cut it with her knife. She gave me a shovel and told me to dig. Deep. I found an old mason jar, wax-sealed. Found two more. Sissy broke the jars open. There was near a thousand dollars in the jars.'
Belle yelped - the cigarette had burned into her fingers. I held out the ashtray and she dropped it in; put her fingers in her mouth for a second to suck on them.
'Sissy sat me down at the table. He'll be back in a couple of hours, she said. You take that suitcase and get into the swamp. I'll fix the boat so he can't go after you. You take the back trail all the way through, to where it catches the highway. The late bus to town comes past there about nine - you got plenty of time to make it.'
Belle's face was wet with tears, but her voice was the same quiet whisper.
'Where am I going? I asked her.
'You go to the bus station. Take a Greyhound north, and don't stop until you're out of this state. Go north and keep going, Belle, she told me. You're going to be on your own.
'I didn't want to go - I didn't understand. Sissy wouldn't listen to me. You're grown now, she said. Almost fifteen years old. I held him back as long as I could, baby, but now your time has come. You got to mind me, Belle, she said. This one last time. You got to mind me - do what I say. She took her nightgowns out of the drawer, threw them in the suitcase too. Your nightgowns . . . I said. I won't be needing them anymore, she told me. I think I knew then. For the first time.'
Belle was crying now, working hard to keep her voice steady.
'I grabbed on to her. Hugged her tight. Don't make me go, Sissy, I begged her. She pushed me away. Looked at me like she was memorizing me. Then she slapped me across the face. Hard.
'Why'd you slap me, Sissy? I asked her. Why'd you slap me? You never slapped me in the face in all my life.'
Belle took a deep breath, looking straight at me in the dark.
'I slapped you so you'll never forget my name, baby. Don't you ever call me Sissy again, not even in your dreams.
'I was standing there, crying. Sissy rubbed my face where she'd slapped me. So tender and sweet. She kissed me to take away the pain, like she used to do when I was little.
'We heard my father's car pull in. Sissy was calm. I'm not just your sister, Belle. I'm not Sissy. I'm your mother.
'I couldn't move. Go! Sissy said. Go, little girl. I'm your mother. I kept you safe. Now run!
'I ran into the swamp, but I didn't go far. I hid down in a grove, so scared I couldn't make my legs work. I heard my father yell something at Sissy. Then I heard this explosion; flames shot up. The boat. You stay right there, bitch! I heard my father yell. Then I heard his gator-gun blast off: Once. Twice. He yelled my name. Screamed it out into the night. I ran through that swamp.
My mother wasn't lying there dead by the boat - she was inside me - running with me -keeping me strong. She's always inside me.'
Belle grabbed me, holding me tight, her arms locked around my back.
Crying the truth.
49
I don't know how long we were like that. Belle loosened her hold. She drew back from me, reaching out a hand to touch my face.
'Does it hurt?'
'No.'
'I didn't mean to hurt you. I just wanted you to remember my name,' she whispered.
'I do.'
'Will you get in bed with me, honey? Lie down with me?'
'Sure.'
She propped herself on one elbow, reached across my chest for the cigarettes. 'I have to tell you the rest,' she said.
'You don't . . .'
'Yes. Yes, I do. You still don't know what I want from you.'
I fired a match for her and watched the smoke drift out her pug nose, not pushing her.
'How old do you think I am?' she asked.
'Twenty, twenty-two?'
'I'm almost twenty-nine years old,' she said. 'It was fourteen years ago when my mother saved me. I went running. Even when I was a young girl, they only looked at my chest, not my face. There's always young folks running in this country. I found them - they found me. I made some rules for myself, promises to my mother. I never turned a trick, but I let my tits hang over plenty of bars. I could always make men buy drinks. I never let a man beat me - there's some who wanted to try - big girl like me makes them feel small, I guess. I drove cars to - l'm real good at it. Getaway cars sometimes. I ran 'shine over the mountains in Kentucky. Drove stolen cars from Chicago to Vegas. I thought I was going to be a showgirl there. I've got the size and the body for it, but my face . . .'
'You have a beautiful face, Belle.'
'No, I don't. But I know it's the truth to you. Just listen to me, don't talk.'
I nodded, rubbing her shoulder.
'I saved my money. I read a lot of books, teaching myself. I'm an incest child. You know what that means? I have my father's blood and my sister's too. That's why my face is so . . . like it is. My eyes close together and all. I have bad blood, Burke. Bad blood. Only the Lord knows what's gone on in my family before I was born. Or what happened to Sissy's mother. My grandmother, I guess. I saw a doctor. At New York University. I told him the truth. He did some tests, but he couldn't tell me anything without testing my father too. I'm all messed up inside. I'm missing a rib here' - she pressed my hand under her heart - 'and one leg's a bit shorter than the other. The doctor wouldn't tell me that much, but I made him say the truth.'
She smoked in the dark while I waited.
'I can never have a child. Never have a baby of my own, you understand? My father's bloodline has to stop with me.'
She felt the question.
'He's down to Raiford State Prison. In that drawer over there, I have all the papers. I was busted once with a station wagon full of machine guns. I rolled over on the people who hired me,' she said, watching my face. 'They told me it was stolen watches when they asked me to drive.'
'They didn't tell the truth,' I said.
'Yeah, you understand. They didn't tell the truth. I got a free pass out of it - no testimony, just the names. And one of the feds, he looked up my father for me. He's doing a ten-year jolt for manslaughter; he gets out this Christmas.'
'How come he's still in on a ten-year hit if it happened fourteen years ago?'
Belle's face twisted - I saw her teeth flash, but it wasn't a smile. 'He never did a day for killing my mother. He
