'The same thing,' she snapped, her voice set and stubborn.
I pinched her harder.
She yelped again. 'Take another look,' I told her. She tried to rub herself - I slapped her hand away.
'I don't care if you pinch it right off, I'm not . . . Burke!' she squealed as I pinched her again. My hand was getting tired.
'I see a beautiful young girl,' I whispered to her. 'You
Tears rolled down her face. 'You mean it? You swear you mean it?'
I squeezed her butt, gently this time. 'I've got all night,' I promised her.
'This isn't fair,' she said, a smile peeking out from beneath the pout.
'Tell me what you see,' I said, still holding her in the same place, tightening my hand. 'Last chance.'
'I see a beautiful young girl,' she said. Like a robot. I pinched the sweet flesh hard. She tried to push past me but I blocked her way.
'Okay!'
I stroked her butt gently. 'Tell me.'
'I see a beautiful young girl.'
'Me too,' I said, kissing her.
She came into my arms, baby-soft. I kissed her for a long time. 'I'm going to be black and blue,' she said against my chest.
'I'm sorry.'
'I'm not,' she said, pulling me toward the bed. 'It's a lot better than being just blue.'
69
Something flicked at my brain just before I drifted off to sleep. Something about a letter. I made a grab for it, but I went under before I could pull it close.
When I came around, it was still dark. Belle was lying crossways on the bed, her breasts flattened against my chest, her face buried in the pillow next to mine. She was awake too - I could tell from her breathing.
'What, baby?' I asked her.
She turned her head, propping herself on an elbow. 'Baby . . . I'll never have a baby.'
'Sure you will. Someday.'
'No, I won't. I fixed it. I had a real ugly harelip - you know what that is?'
'Yeah.'
'Well, I had a bad one. Pulled up so bad you could see my teeth all the time. I saved some money - went to a plastic surgeon. You know what, Burke? He told me he could fix the whole thing, give me a different face. A real nose instead of this little pig's snout, cheekbones, anything I wanted.'
'So what happened?'
'I started on it. He did the harelip first. Did it real good too. But then I went on a job with a couple of boys. It got nasty right in the middle - the wheels came off and we had to fly. We got away, but one of the boys got himself shot up pretty bad. There's this old doctor, back in the hills. We went by his place, stayed there for damn near a month. Cost us every dime we had between us, but he pulled Rodney through.'
She fumbled around the night table, looking for a cigarette. Her body gleamed in the flame from the match.
'This old doctor - he was an outlaw. Like us. I don't even know if he was a real doctor and all, but he had good hands. I was pregnant - maybe two, three months gone. I found out while we were holed up. I was just a big dumb old girl - never figured on getting pregnant. When the doc told me, I told him to go and get the baby. Take it.
'He wanted to know was I sure. So I told him. I told him the truth. He said I was right - I was doing the right thing. He said he saw a lot of babies like I was gonna have - said they never did too well. Trying to make it gentle for me, but I knew what he meant.'
She took a deep drag off her cigarette.
'He said he could fix me up inside when he went to get the baby. Tie my tubes. I didn't have to think a minute.'
Her voice was soft in the night. 'I could love a baby - I know I could. But I figured, if I loved a baby, I'd never have one. You understand?'
'Yeah.'
'How come you never worried about it?'
'About what?'
'Making me pregnant.'
I laughed. 'I can't make babies, Belle.'
'You tried? With that woman . . .'
'No. I never tried. Never thought about it when I was young. Spent most of my time in places where you couldn't make a baby anyway. I got jumped once. Long time ago. It wasn't a personal thing - I was in the wrong place. Or maybe I was just the wrong color. Doesn't much matter. Anyway, they really did a number on me. When the ambulance dropped me at the hospital, the pain was so bad . . . there's no way for me to describe it to you.'
'What'd they do?'
'Broke some ribs. Fractured my jaw. But the real hurt they kicked me in the balls so many times I thought they were going to fall off. The doctor said it was a testicular torsion.'
'A what?'
'A torsion . . . like a twist.' I held my two fists together in front of her face, twisted one sideways. 'Like that.'
'Ugh!'
'Yeah. I looked down at myself - the whole sac was black. Before they put me out, the doctor said the blood supply was pinched off - they'd have to cut me open and stitch a new wall inside to hold the balls in place.'
'God!'
'I remember telling them, could they do a vasectomy while they were at it . . . The doctor thought it was funny - like, as long as they were in the neighborhood and all. But they did it. No babies from me either.'
'Does that hurt you?'
'No. It's not for me. I don't think about it. But I never told anyone before.'
Belle kissed me. 'You can tell me anything,' she said. I reached past her. Lit a smoke for myself. My watch said it was past four in the morning.
'Go back to sleep,' I said, rubbing her back, pushing against her shoulder.
'I have to sleep on my stomach,' she said, a smile playing around her lips.
'You're breaking my heart - I didn't pinch you that hard.'
'You did!'
'Give it a rest, Belle. I'd need a set of vise grips to do a job on all this,' I said, patting her butt.
'I looked in the mirror. While you were asleep. You made a big mark.'
'It'll be gone soon.'
'I know,' she whispered. 'That's why I'm sleeping on my stomach. I want to see it again before it goes away.'
She put her face in my chest. I felt the tears.
'What?'
'It'll fade away. You will too.'
'I'm right here.'
'For now.'
I took a last long pull on the cigarette, tangling my hand in the hair at the back of her neck.
'It's like you said before, Belle. We're outlaws. Tomorrow's for citizens. For us, it's always now.'
'I love you,' she mumbled into my chest.
